The Doxology

I grew up singing the Doxology (aka "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow") weekly. It always meant something to me, but I don't know that I had ever felt as Colin did in The Secret Garden, when he wanted to sing it because he was so happy to be getting healthier and walking. Until last Friday night.

Friday night, we were in a horrific car crash. (Warning: really. It's horrific. And there are pics.) The kind that my first responder friends tell me they expect fatalaties when they see, especially when they know kids are inside.

We all sustained no more than fairly minor injuries. The worst was Bridey's broken leg and deep cut on her foot, and my very cut-up and scraped-up arm, which required a lot of stitches. We'll be better, all of us, completely, in less than 2 months. From an accident that could easily have been fatal.

Before our trip I had some promptings that I didn't understand but followed. I re-packed the luggage to make sure the heavy stuff was compartmentalized. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of Emma falling asleep and falling out of her booster, so even though I'd wavered over the idea of just watching her and poking her if she fell asleep, I put in a harnessed seat for her at the last minute, and sat in the back since she now couldn't reach back to pass snacks. There were other things too, but those were the two major ones.

And so when I realized we had crashed, and we were hanging upside down, and I heard that my family was all alive, and that I could wiggle my fingers and toes (and so was not paralyzed), and that the worst of the car's damage seemed to be on my side, not where my kids were-- I rejoiced. And over and over in my head, as I hung for 10 minutes waiting to be extracted (they had to cut off the door, stablize my neck, unbuckle me and then strap me to the board to pull me out), through fending off the bystander that wanted to cut me out and talking to my husband to make sure the kids were okay, I sang over and over in my head. And without a thought of what my words should be, my soul sang those well-known words over and over, the words that have embodied the joy of knowing that God has blessed us for so many over so many years:

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

And I understood the joy that Colin felt in that book, the joy of being alive-- both the euphoria ("I'm going to live forever and ever and ever!") and the deep, deep gratitude.

I begin to understand, I think, a teeny tiny part of the plan that God had when he sent Becky to live in our family for such a short time. She saved my life; she also enabled me to spread this message of car safety farther than I've ever been able to reach before. And I know that she had a choice in it. She did it for me. For her sisters. And for all those other mamas' babies whose lives she may yet save through the spread of this message.

But more than that, I feel just such gratitude. I can't think "why did this happen to me" because I know. If I hadn't been me, whosever children they were might not be alive. And I know my children need to live, because their missions in this life are far from over. Intuitively, I know that. And I know that God loves all children, and wants them protected tenderly, and that many parents need more information on how to do that, when it comes to travelling in the car. (After all, that's why I became a CPST to begin with.) And I know that my Father stepped in to shield me from the worse things that could have happened. And I'm so grateful. And so once again I will praise Him, and as I thank Him for my children every day, I will also thank Him for the good He is doing through us for others' children.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow!

P.S.-- please join me in doing this work. Spread the story linked in any way you feel you can-- email, facebook, blogs, anything. May it do much good for those who read it. :)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

Someone stole one of my Radians! Maggie's! :(

They were drying right outside our door (enclosed, hidden area, behind locked doors in a gated entry building...) I just can't believe that one of my NEIGHBORS did this. :(

I hope they at least find out how to use it correctly. *sigh* (The instructions weren't with it.)

The really sad part is that I have an extra Recaro Como sitting in my living room that I would have given away if a neighbor knocked on my door and asked for a car seat. And instead they violated the trust of our community in this way. It was gone when Jeff got home last night, within about a 2 hour window. I didn't hear anything. I checked all over hoping it got moved but nope.

I also put up a sign (even offering a reward, no questions asked-- also letting them know it was thrown up on...) hoping it would be back this morning. But no. It's gone. :(

This is really upsetting. I think what is most upsetting to me is that it's a seat with a definite learning curve and without the instructions, it's almost certain to be misused.

Things you don't want to see

Trust me on these:

-Your four year old suddenly fall down and start seizing
-Your BIG tall four year old looking tiny as she lays, extremely sick, in a PICU bed in a hospital gown with a hep lock in her arm boarded and wrapped in gauze to keep her from pulling it out, her face gaunt with discomfort and pale and flushed with fever.

Emma had a febrile seizure when her fever apparently spiked from 99 to 104-ish. She apparently has a UTI-- not that she complained or anything, and she only had one day of symptoms. It was scary, but she's been released, it probably will never happen again, I'll probably write more on this later. For now I'm just glad she's going to be okay.

Know I've been MIA...

...sorry 'bout that.

Lots going on;

Ward Christmas party. Fun. Mostly. Emma was a sheep for the Primary songs. Very cute.

Emma has a UTI. Found out on Tue. right before I was going to finish my Christmas wrapping. Upside: she can now take a capsule.

On the 24th I found out the Baby Center Store is closing and scored a half-price Sunshine Kids Monterey booster for my friend's son (glad I acted fast, they sold out quickly.)

Christmas was fun. Stockings, lots of food, nap, more food... Good times. Pictures, maybe someday. ;) (They're on the camera, just don't know when I'll get them on the 'puter...)

Saturday, went to IKEA, then Carmax to put in an alert on our dream minivan (well mine), and Emma bumped her head, hard. Big goose egg, from the side of the car door she ran into. Had to stop at CVS for an instant cold pack (and another to go in the trunk) and got her calmed somewhat. Then the grocery store for brussels sprouts for the next night, then rented WALL-E (had promised Emma could watch it by that weekend even if it didn't come from Netflix, where we've been in the queue since before it came out. They still have a "very long wait" so we coughed up $6 (!) to rent it for 2 days from Blockbuster. Then returned it and promised she can watch it again when it comes in the mail.

Sunday, went to my aunt's for dinner for our family Christmas with them (my grandma and great aunt Reba were in town too) and Jeff's birthday. Dinner was yummy; prime rib, ham, biscuits, boiled peewee potatoes, broccoli, macaroni and cheese, salad, and the brussels sprouts which I totally made unhealthy. Kids had presents and some granddaughters visiting a neighbor came over and did some Irish step dancing for Ems and Bridey, who loved it. The night went downhill fast from there. Drama with my brother. Happy birthday Jeff. Won't be going anywhere where he is again for a while. *sigh*

Today, called my friend Rayann, whom I haven't spoken to lately with all the craziness in both our lives. Going to try to make it a habit to call once a week or so.

Not much else going on. Looking forward to Jeff having the day off for New Year's and the day after-- another 4 day weekend. But, no big plans. *sigh* I used to have such fun NYE but now even being up at midnight is not a big deal, I'm usually up at midnight tending to a cranky baby. Oh well.

Oh, did I mention my cousin Mark's wife Hope had their second baby a week or 2 ago? Silas James. Very cute, and a name to match. (I love the name Silas!) Healthy and happy, mama too. Big brother doing pretty well with it so far, apparently.

So, like I said, just frantic activity lately but doesn't seem to go anywhere, nothing gets done 'cause we're never home! But soon enough it will be tax season, not really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to it being over so I guess you can't have one without the other, lol.

Thoughts and prayers appreciated:nearby fire, ward members evac'd

So we went to church yesterday and the chapel looked really empty. In Relief Society I heard why: half the ward had been evacuating their homes because of a wildfire in the Angeles Crest National Forest and nearby Lakeview Terrace.

The fire is only 20% contained and we're having Santa Anas. (Santa Anas are a particular kind of strong, dry wind; they're usually warm but right now they're accompanying colder weather.) The wind is bad enough it's keeping me up tonight and my toddler keeps waking and crying because the winds are howling and rattling so hard.

Apparently yesterday smoke and ash was being blown all the way to Malibu (which, strangely, meant we got no smoke only a few miles away because it was all being blown the other direction.) But anyway, the forest is really beautiful, my friends (and their animals-- the area is zoned for horses as well as chickens, goats, and house pets) have been evacuated, and the Wildlife WayStation animals are caged and ready to be evac'd if necessary. It's scary to me to hear the winds howl, knowing they're fueling and spreading the fire and putting people's homes and firefighters' lives at risk (the lives, of course, being more important than the homes, but the homes not being negligable.)

If you've got a moment, please send good thoughts/vibes/prayers for the brave men and women who are battling this fire, and those who have been displaced, as well as the animals and the forest if you are so inclined. It would mean a lot to me to know that other folks are thinking of our area and our firefighters.

An emotional weekend

Friday was Jeff's day off. We got calls all day about Uncle Bob's status, and finally went to see him in the evening. We only went in for a few minutes. Since he's in the critical care unit overflow, the girls couldn't go in at all... (I had been asking my dad that and it would have been nice if he would have just read the sign and told me that. All he would say was he didn't know if it was a good idea, he never said it was a rule.) At that point they were not thinking he was going to pull through. Today he is given a 90% chance of survival.

Let me backtrack a little. Thursday we found out that he was going to the hospital. He has ALS, as I've mentioned before; he had pneumonia, a really bad case that had progressed to sepsis. And of course because of the ALS it's harder for him to fight things off, especially things that involve breathing.

It was really hard to see him in the hospital. While we were waiting to hear if he'd even be awake for us to go see him and such, we ended up going to the thrift store. I did find some awesome books. I listed them on eBay but if they don't sell I think I'm keeping them!!!

Then Saturday we got up early and I headed to choir practice. After I got done with that we went to my mom's house but on the way hit a yard sale. I got a Pack and Play for $3, and a whole bunch of clothes for the girls (mostly winter clothes for Bridey; Emma skipped from a 2T to a 4T and Bridey is firmly a 3T, we don't have a lot of clothes that fit her, but a few for Emma and Maggie, too) for 25 cents a piece. Then we went to my mom's; her former boss (retired) was there, and they took pictures of Maggie doing different things for a presentation they're making for parents on what to do and not to do to ensure a nice round head in your baby (preventing positional plagiocephaly, which has spiked really high since the "Back to Sleep" campaign started, with proper positioning techniques, tummy time, etc.) She made us spaghetti for lunch. We all enjoyed that.

We didn't make the evening session of Stake Conference Saturday night because it is "adults only" and there's no way we could keep the kids under control and not disturb people, and we didn't have a babysitter.

This morning we were at the Stake Center at 8:30 for choir practice again. When we finished the last song, Bridget was ready to go, poor thing! (It did not make sense for them to go home and come back because they'd only end up with 15 minutes at home or so before it was time to come back-- and they'd lose the sweet parking spot we scored, actually in the SC parking lot instead of in the school parking lot backing up to the SC, so 10 minutes less of walking, and even in the shade!)

Stake Conference was good. I heard a lot of things I needed to hear. In particular I loved the Primary President's talk. I really needed that one, though she directed it to the children it was for the parents just as much. And I was interested to hear the big focus on getting out of consumer debt; our stake has been challenged by our Stake President (who used to be my bishop and I love him and his family so much) to be consumer debt free by 2010 (this is not inculding houses and school loans but is including cars, credit cards, and everything else.) Luckily we are in a position where we have already been able to start paying this debt off. We may have another car payment by then, but are hoping to have it mostly paid off. (We will have to get another car if we have another child, because we're using all the seats in our Corolla right now!) And there was also emphasis on teaching our children and those around us good spending/saving habits. The Primary children are going to be provided with savings banks from the Stake Presidency that have 3 parts; one for tithing, one for saving for a mission or education, and one for spending.

The choir was so big we overflowed the rather poorly designed loft, and three or four of us had to be down on the pews and walk up. However we had less than we had thought so there were 3 empty rows that had been reserved for us; I volunteered to sit down there and got to have my family with me. A very nice lady held Maggie through much of the meeting so I could get up and down with the choir. Emma fell asleep on the pew; Jeff took Bridey and later Maggie too to the Nursery room (where they had toys out and also had a video feed from the chapel so the adults could hear the talks.)

I had an asthma attack near the end. It was pretty bad; it took 6 hits from my inhaler to even start breathing properly and 2 more before I was completely breathing. I was shaking so badly from the albuterol when we got up to sing the closing number that I forgot I was supposed to sing second soprano until halfway through the verse... Oops... I did manage to hit the high note at the end, though. (One of the first sopranos couldn't hit the note so she switched parts with me just for the last line.) We sang my favorite arrangement of "The Spirit of God." I really love this one because it's so powerful, especially if you think of it the way I do, as a metaphor. See, it starts out with a solo tenor voice. Then the tenor is joined by a baritone. Then they are joined by a small group of men, then all the men, then the women, and in our case we added the congregation on the last verse. I think of it like a metaphor for the growth of the church and it has always added a lot to my appreciation of the piece.

So anyway... It was a weekend of ups and downs. I don't really know how much longer Uncle Bob is going to last. As much as for his sake I hope he does not have to suffer too long in a body that doesn't work while he retains full consciousness of what is going on, I hope for our sake to have him a little longer. It's confusing and it hurts and... Well, I guess I will just have to try to appreciate whatever time we are given to be with him. There are some things I want to do with him. I want him to hear Emma do her reading lessons before he goes, that would make him so proud (he's one I really talked things out with before deciding to homeschool, before his diagnosis and before he went downhill so fast, physically speaking.) And I want him to see Emma dance. And I want him to see Maggie grow and Bridget mature. But I don't know how much of that will even be possible (well, in this world. I'm sure he'll care for them after he is gone. But you know what I mean.)

This dying stuff is hard. :(

I guess I don't talk about this much.

But I know you will not mind. (No TMI, I promise!)

I think I may have some PPD.

I've had a great weekend. The music was fun, mostly (don't get me started on my altercation with the lady who works there-- okay, not altercation, that's too strong a word, but I was not happy with our interaction), despite the hotel experience (they told us they'd have a crib and then they didn't; we hadn't brought the port-a-crib after being told they'd have one; Bridey didn't sleep until almost 5 AM-- it was La Quinta Costa Mesa, if you want to know), we had fun at IKEA and a good time at the wedding (though Emma freaked out at the sparklers-- which are illegal, BTW, which I was rather surprised no one seemed to know about, and we were RIGHT across the street from a state park, during fire season), a new nursing dress I bought on eBay was waiting for me when we got home, it was all around a fun few days. But I've been snappish, sad, yelling, crying, when we were driving home I had this crazy urge in the tunnel to just open the door and roll out into traffic. It was kind of scary. Jeff took Maggie to burp her while I was asleep and I woke up in a panic because she was gone. I am extremely anxious when separated from her (though I'm getting better about letting others hold her and not holding her ALL the time.)

Please don't suggest drugs. I'm not going to take them. Please don't suggest counselling either. I don't trust therapists. Both these issues stem from my experience with medication and therapists as a teen, which I don't want to talk about, but I may share privately if you ever really have to know. Suffice it to say, it's not going to happen. It's like my thing with female doctors. Just not going to happen. (Not that I could afford it if I wanted it, with no insurance. But since I don't, it's moot.)

I was like this when I was pregnant with Emma. I got over it as the hormones changed. It never happened with Bridey, at least not that I remember; okay, maybe a few days when she was a few months old. That was it. But this started when I was separated from Maggie and has persisted since then. It doesn't help that my hormones aren't back to normal yet. I've got a good few months to go, judging by past experience.

If you are a praying person, I'd love your prayers. I feel detatched and isolated even as I'm more involved than I've ever been in a host of things. Life goes by so fast and I sometimes just feel like it's passing me by. I hate this. I hope it passes soon.

And I don't know why I'm even writing this. I just am. And it doesn't help. Prayer helps while I'm praying, and for a little while afterward, but not all day. And I feel so tired I don't even want to pray. Ditto everything else that usually makes me feel better. I'm stress eating, which just makes things worse. I should probably watch that. But I don't even care.

I want to escape. I just want to go watch the waves roll into nothing and then sleep and not listen to any whining and screaming and just sleep.

I guess I sound pretty depressed, huh? Sorry. Didn't mean to bring you all down...

I really do have fun. This weekend was fun, lots of it. Next Saturday we're having a poop party because Emma finally pooped in the toilet three times in a row with no accidents. (Who's coming? My mom. Who else? No one, because all she wants is my mom and a pinata, go figure. Well, that's fine, makes things easy...) Everything is fun. But the fun never lasts, and in between I'm just... bleh.

I want to sleep now. I'm tired. But I can't sleep and probably won't. Again. Oh, well. That's okay. It's not like I have anything to do tomorrow...

Maggie's First Earthquake

Actually, it might be Bridey's, too. I can't remember. I think Ems slept through hers... If Bridget's had one before, she did too.

It was just a little one. But you never know when it starts if it's going to be big or little. We were watching tv, and our tv is not bolted down, so I unplugged the laptop from the cord (which was in the wall), just in case, scooped up the baby, and got Bridey to follow me. (She wanted to watch tv, and wasn't sure what was going on. We have had drills, but she had never felt it, so she didn't know it was an earthquake! I had to say "Emergency!", which is our "obey right now because this is serious" trigger word, before she followed me to a clear spot, where we sat down and practiced "duck and cover" even though I was sure by then that it wasn't a big one (it never hurts to practice!)

Nothing even fell off the shelf, but outgoing calls weren't working on the home phone and the cell service was too busy to get a call through. (We got texts through, very slowly.) Same story with Jeff's work phone, only incoming worked. He kept trying on the cell and eventually got through to Emma's preschool (they were fine-- they thought it was a drill!) and then to me to tell me Emma wasn't scared. We're glad that it wasn't any worse! It was a scary time for me having Emma at preschool and not knowing whether she was scared or okay (I was sure she wasn't hurt but, you know, emotionally.) I was really glad Jeff was able to get through, in case she had needed the comfort of hearing a parent's voice.

Update: we went to Grandma Pam's house in the evening to pick peaches, and she had lost a picture frame, but that was the extent of the local damage we've heard of. We're lucky enough to live on solid bedrock, which really dulls the damages when we have quakes!

Please pray-- scary time for my family as fires threaten

As we celebrated, Goleta, where I have family, was on fire today.

The news as of this past afternoon:

My second cousin, once removed, and his wife have been evacuated. My second cousin and his family (other cousin's father, this is my dad's father, evacuated cousin is his son) are on the street that is the boundary between evacuated and non-evacuated homes. One block over, their neighbors are gone, and the car is packed in case they have to leave at any moment. My great-aunt is less than a mile from them.

I know things are just that, things, but memories are precious in a place where you raised a family, and even if things can be saved or replaced, the stress of losing or nearly losing them is always hard. Please, pray for my family, for their safety and well-being. Pray for the city. Pray for rain, for the heat to break and the fires to be contained, for no lives to be lost and for property and the memories that go with it to be saved. Pray for the firefighters and other emergency workers who bravely battle for the property of others. Thank you.

Perez Hilton asks, "Is this Safe... Or Legal?"

The answer: No and no.

Normally I would not link to (or read) Perez Hilton. But this one's right up my alley. Anthony Kiedis, of the Red Hot Chili Peppers, went riding in his Gem car with his infant strapped to his chest in a front carrier.

Boo! Hiss!

The Gem car is a smart car from GM; it has seatbelts and is a street-legal vehicle. As such, it falls under the California law that says that all children must be in a properly used carseat or booster in the back seat (unless the vehicle does not have a back seat or does not have belts in the back seat or the seat otherwise cannot be properly installed in the back seat, in which case they may be in front) until they are 6 years of age or 60 lbs. It is neither a bus nor a motorcycle, which are the only exceptions other than standard medical, etc. exceptions; it is a citable offense. Also, he needs to be wearing that seatbelt himself, it's also the law.

Other than being illegal, it's unsafe. If in a crash, if they were both not ejected from the vehicle (which is likely to cause death or serious injury), he would probably be thrown forward into the steering column, and the baby would be crushed against it. The baby would be likely to die, and he would probably suffer severe internal injuries himself.

Get a clue, Anthony! Get safe for yourself and your son, that's way uncool!

And where's the CHP when you need them? Or the LAPD? Someone write the man a ticket and make him learn how to be safe in the car!

Doing somewhat better, but still missing my baby.

That's right folks, she didn't come home today. Her bilirubin was a bit lower this morning, down to 10.9 from 11.6, but not low enough to get off the bililights. I went in at 9 and fed her, and my did that feel good. The milk that had come in yesterday but not come HARD in, meaning it was still at pretty low levels all day and night (which was kinda a blessing in disguise last night, I only had to express a few drops once for comfort, so I only have to suffer one real night of engorgement), suddenly let down and soaked through my nightgown at 7:30 in the morning. All of a sudden engorgement came on hard and fast, and I was harassing everyone to get ready NOW because I could not stand much more of this and Maggie REALLY needed to eat!

We went to the hospital, kids' breakfast in hand, and they set us up in LDR 1, which is the labor/delivery/recovery room right next to the nursery. Since it's down a hallway and away from the other rooms it is the last LDR room they fill, for the nurses' convenience, and it also happens to be slightly bigger and nicer than the rest! Since Sunday is a slow day for LDR rooms, it was a convenient empty space, and it was designated "our" room for the day as long as no one else needed it. We weren't allowed to touch the bed or use the bathroom, which have to be kept ready in case a patient needs to use it, but we were allowed to use the chairs and such, and of course since Maggie is still not discharged we could ask at the nursery for anything we needed for her-- they are still providing the diapers, wipes, any formula she needs (now that my milk had come in we'd switched from supplementing every other feeding to offering formula if she is still hungry after emptying both breasts, just to make sure she gets as much fluid to clear that bilirubin as possible.) It's nice not to have to worry about that.

We moved chairs from the table that sits in LDR 1, sat the kids down with cartoons in front of the tv, and that kept them occupied for a while, but they were just way wound up. We decided that staying in the room with Maggie with the kids running wild while patients were trying to rest(and me fretting about what her level would be) was counter-productive, and once I'd seen and held her for a while (she ate for almost an hour-- good baby-holding time) I felt better, not so clingy and anxious, so we told them we were going to take the kids out for a walk and would be back, since all Maggie would be doing was sleeping anyway. They told us that the doctor would be in in about an hour at that point and to call then to find out what was going on. So we went down to the Farmer's Market/Family Fun Fair they hold on Sundays down in Montrose, just a few blocks from the hospital, which normally we would never ever do on Sunday-- but we really needed occupation for the sake of all our sanity while Jeff and I worried about Maggie, and the activity was good for the kids, who were hyper as all get-out. We walked around, and Emma requested "When the Saints Go Marching In" from the Dixieland band that was playing (they are probably heartily sick of that song but I didn't think they would mind a request from a four-year-old-- they didn't-- and she really loves that song, she danced and looked so thrilled to hear it that it made them all grin and smile.)

When that was done we got some drinks and sat in the shade (it was HOT), and Jeff called the hospital just in time to catch the doctor. He explained that her bilirubin was too high still, and that it was still in the high risk zone-- BUT that it was down a bit, not rising, and so that was a good thing. He also explained that even if she had the exact same level tomorrow, she would be out of the high risk zone, and able to go home, because of the older age! So I was almost crying that she would stay another night-- but happy that we were pretty much guaranteed to take her home the next day.

Then we went back, got settled, and I fed her again. Jeff took the kids home for a nap, which they took, and I stayed all day in LDR 1, just nursing Maggie. In between nursing she was able to be in the room with me, in the bilibed (which, btw, is a Medela Bilibed, complete with little sleeper-type cover featuring a duck-- pictures have been taken, of course, and you will see her in it eventually; sorry, not up to that quite yet, probably tomorrow) and I laid back on the recliner (the same type that Jeff napped in while I was in labor, the one intended for the support person, so pretty cushy and comfortable.) I actually got several hours of sleep between feedings that way-- which really, really helped, I have to say. Lack of sleep and food due to anxiety was part of my problem last night, I think. After naps Jeff took the kids over to my mom's, then came to see us at the hospital. I fed Maggie one more time before dinner, and then we went to my mom's house for dinner. She had asked me what I would like and I told her pot roast, so she made me pot roast. I love my mommy. She also made an orange cake because Emma had asked for it, and she made applesauce jell-o (minus apple chunks, with strawberry jell-o and cinnamon applesauce) which we used to bribe Emma to finish ALL of her pot roast, potatoes, carrots, and most of her salad, plus a few bites of biscuit. I was amazed! I had thought she was going to be picky, but the wonders applesauce jell-o will do...

Then all of a sudden my milk came in hard again. Every time that had happened all day it had meant Maggie was about to wake up and be ready to eat. We hustled out but it was ten minutes by the time we left (because the kids unexpectedly wanted to come right then instead of staying with my mom and going home with Jeff after he dropped me), and had been almost half an hour when we got there. Sure enough, she was hungry! Apparently she had NOT been behaving for the nurses, oops! She had cried and cried and only taken 20 ccs of formula despite acting VERY hungry. As soon as I got her in my arms, though, the crying stopped cold! Before I even lifted my shirt she opened her eyes wide and looked contentedly at me! I guess she just wanted her mama-- which made me feel very, very good. I know it's irrational but I had been feeling like a failure because my milk hadn't come in the day before (which had more to do with her being too lethargic from the jaundice to be nursing well than anything I could do) and I think feeling like anyone could take care of her at least as well as I could because she had to be in the nursery all night. It felt really, really good to have that confirmation that I, as her mother, was not only important but ESSENTIAL to her, that she knew me, and that she preferred me to someone else! To make me feel even better, the nurse said that in the last 12 hours she had gained 1/2 an ounce! Yay, all that milk was doing something! And she had just had a VERY green poop (green poop is a good sign in jaundiced babies because it means they're breaking down and passing the bilirubin.) Anyway, she nursed REALLY well, twice in a row, and then settled in. (In the meantime, Jeff and the kids went home after everyone said "goodnight" to Maggie and gave her kisses. I got hugs and kisses, too.) I took one more nap, then nursed her once more (and called my mom), then got her all burped, settled in, and when my mom called to say she was there, I kissed Maggie once more, left her at the nursery, and went down and my mom drove me home. (She also brought us leftovers. Which was nice of her.) And I didn't even cry (although I did a bit later, with Jeff.)

Anyway, the plan is for me to get through tonight as best I can, express some milk as necessary (and maybe get enough to make it worth freezing), hopefully even sleep a couple of hours (although I really don't know if I can manage it without Maggie), and then all get up early, get ready, call the hospital to find out when she ate, and get there in time to give her her next feeding. Then hang around (although again I may stay there and have Jeff take the girls somewhere-- Montrose is right there and the shopping district includes a toy store that allows touching and playing with floor models, and a very cool kids' book store, among other things they might like, or there's even a kids' play area in the ER waiting room they might enjoy), and wait for the doctor to come and tell us it's okay to take our baby home! (It's extremely, extremely unlikely that her level will be even as high as it was today, considering all that green poop, frequent nursing, and the fact that she looks less orange than she did yesterday! But even if it was as high as long as it had not climbed a couple of points we would be good to take her home!) I am just praying that everything works well because we want her with us!

I'm home and Maggie is not.

And that's why this is not a birth announcement post yet. I can't do that right now. All I can do is cry. And get really upset about everything, apparently. (I even threw a fit and just plain refused to leave the hospital in a wheelchair. It makes me feel helpless and I needed to be in control and walk. I just cried and cried and refused and the nurse finally walked me down instead. My mom, who brought me home tonight, was not too pleased with me either. But I just could not add that emotional load on top of everything else I was feeling.)

Maggie has to stay because she needs to lie in the bilibed (which I must admit is much nicer than traditional bililights or biliblankets; it's a brand-new state of the art system they just purchased. She's not thrilled to be in it but at least she's more comfy than she would be in a biliblanket or under old-fashioned lights. I'll give a better description when I post pictures. But being in a really cool bilibed does not make me feel better about leaving my newborn.) Insurance will not cover bililights at home, only their use in the hospital. So she has to stay.

I know it's only a few hours and that she will be well taken care of (she even sleeps better for the nurses in the nursery than for me) but this is just really hard to handle. It feels like one of the hardest, scariest things I've ever done-- even though no one is in danger. How does that make sense? Well, it doesn't. But that's how I feel right now.

I'll post a happier and more informative post when she comes home.

Dentists, drugs,and HALLUCINATIONS

So we had quite the day. We went to the dentist and all I can say is thank the Lord for my mother. She went in, gave Emma the second dose of sedative (I forced her to choke down the first), talked her through the procedures, and basically made it possible for them to do the work today. Emma has a ton of cavities; they only got x-rays and did the bottom half. The top ones have to be done another day because it wasn't safe to sedate a 33-lb. child long enough to do them all. I'm going to talk to her pediatrician about prescribing flouride.

Then we got home, I put Bridey down in the crib, she played a while then went to sleep (thank you Lord) and then the REAL fun started. Emma had a paradoxical reaction to the benzodiazepan she was given. I know what fun this is because it happened to me when I was 12. (I can't have anything in that class and now neither can she-- Valium, Versed, or the one she was given which I have written down somewhere and which starts with an "m", my mom e-mailed it to me so I can update her records but I can't remember it, or anything related.) She got real sleepy, like she was going to conk out; that was fine since she was cranky and still dizzy from the nitrous. Then all of a sudden she was wide awake, asking what the turtles were doing. Um, what turtles? The ones building something by her. That was fine-- until they climbed onto her and she was screaming "get them off, get them off, oh, no, they went in my pants!" What followed was 2 hours of frantic phone calls to my mom (who, btw, is a pediatric nurse) and me doing everything in my power to distract her, reassure her that they were just pretend, not real, and they could not hurt her (although then she said they were attacking her and they WERE hurting her, poor baby had-- and has-- a rash, my mom thinks from where they restrained her, and was interpreting it as the turtles attacking her), and we even had to take off her pants because she was absolutely hysterical that they were building something in her pants and she WANTED THEM OFF. I was brushing off imaginary turtles, for a long time, and it was not fun. Then they turned into ants. At least the ants weren't on her, just on parts of the bed. So she colored, being careful to stay away from the ants, and I used "magic ant spray" to "clean off the ants" if they "got too close to her." (Hard to do since she was the only one who could see them. She had to direct me and tell me if I missed any.) Along with this reaction comes extreme low blood pressure, which causes dizziness, so when she would stand up and climb to get away from them, she fell. She fell off the bed twice. This only made things worse. I was trying to get her to drink water, to clear it from her system a bit faster, but she wouldn't drink much because her mouth hurt and of course wouldn't take any Tylenol for the pain.

Finally it wore off. Thank goodness. And she ate some yogurt and fell asleep for four hours or so (actually I slept for almost three, until the baby got up.) I am so grateful that her reaction didn't last as long as mine did. And that her sister slept through it so I could give her my full attention and be there for her.

She woke up and wouldn't eat or drink still because her mouth hurts so much. I did get her to eat an ice pop. And her grandma is bringing her a milkshake for dinner (and a hamburger for her sister and a chicken salad for me.) So that's at least something. She's asking for bread so I think I'll let her try a bit of soft white bread with the crusts removed, and some hummus.

It's really hard dealing with this! And Jeff won't be home until almost 11 again. AND this means the rest of her work can't be done in the office-- that's the only pediatric sedative they're licensed to use. She will have to go to the hospital and have the work done under general anesthesia. I'm just hoping my mom can take the whole day off that day because I cannot care for a child recovering from general anesthesia AND my second child AND myself all alone. I just can't.

New Car Seat Safety Info on Sidebar

I'm one of those car seat freaks. You know, the one who obcesses over not only my kids' safety in the car, but everyone else's. I see tv shows with improperly restrained kids and wince. Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about the subject (as I researched how to fit three across in the back of our Corolla-- we'll be doing it using three Radians, the narrowest seat on the market, two rear-facing and one forward-facing for Emma in the middle) and I thought I'd share a few tips, because a staggering number of parents don't know enough to be able to make the safest choices for their kids in the car, and an even more staggering number of parents buy car seats but don't use them correctly.

Take a look and see if you learn something! If you spot any errors please tell me-- I did check it over several times but it is a bit late and I am a bit tired today. :)

Quite a week.

It's just been one of those weeks. On Thursday last, Jeff was in a wreck. Our car will be in the shop for two weeks-- not cool. We had to buy a new car seat for Emma because hers was in the car; don't know when the insurance company's going to get around to replacing that one. I had to take her to the dentist on Sat. (I had noticed a spot on her tooth.) She has cavities. We have to take her in next Wed. to get them fixed (and it's going to be a doozie of a day then, too, since we have to take her fasting. Yikes.) Afterwards we hit the Mervyn's sale and IKEA-- which was a bright spot-- but Bridey decided she'd rather play than nap, and didn't nap at all. Jeff's last client came in late, and he didn't get there to pick us up until after 10. Then on the way home, we ran out of gas (stupid rental car only indicates that the tank is low at the last minute.) We had to coast to the nearest gas station (thankfully it was downhill most of the way) in the rain. Then as Jeff pulled up he realized-- the gas tank was on the other side. Thankfully, there was a guy there who helped Jeff push it around to where he could get it over. Then, turns out there was a problem with their machines, and they were only taking cash. We scrounged up $5 between the two of us-- we just don't carry much cash-- and that was enough to get us to the next gas station, where the card thing was working. Jeff went to church the next morning without us, because we all had a horrid cough and my head was throbbing and my throat was aching. It hasn't stopped since-- the head throbbing has eased up a bit, but the threat and cough remain. Grrr. As soon as I start to get over one thing I get another! Bridey too. (Emma was a little cranky but got over the bug in a day or two, it seems.) A few nights ago, I had contractions that didn't slow down unless I was lying down-- kinda hard to manage with 2 little ones running around. And Jeff's not getting home until between 9:45 and 10:30 now, pretty much every night. That was rough. Today Jeff had his second sitting of the Part 2 EA exam-- and again, missed passing by 2 points. So he'll have to take it again-- if he can find the time. He's upset because he didn't really get a chance to study-- between the wreck, dealing with Emma's insurance, and working 75 hours a week, not to mention two kids and a pregnant wife, he's tried, but not gotten much in. Not to mention, I apparently missed a sale on Radians at Babiesrus.com, which stinks, because it was, like, half off, and that would have been a really nice savings. We have to buy three so we can fit all 3 kids in our car once the baby comes. *cry* It's really expensive, and they just don't seem to go on sale hardly ever. When they do, they're gone within a few hours.

Hopefully things will ease up soon-- because this week has proved the truth of the saying, "When it rains, it pours." I don't think I can take the downpour much longer!

Shopping: the good, the bad, and the painful

We had a shopping day today. USA Baby was having a sale; we didn't end up with any big-ticket items. We did end up with $60 worth of small ones, including things I'd been meaning to buy online but couldn't justify the shipping for; the sale price made them as cheap or cheaper than online prices, so I got them. We also got a very nice calming CD with instrumental arrangements of hymns and gospel songs that put the kids right out in the car and calmed my crankiness, and some cute and cool little pacifiers that snap closed to cover the nipple part when baby drops them (like this; we got two Bugsy Beetle patterned ones, one Lola Ladybug, and one Ethan Penguin.) Everything in the store WAS on sale, but unfortunately it was almost all only 15% off, not the higher-end discounts they had advertised so heavily, and most of it was overpriced to begin with. We did pick up some training chopsticks just because I have fond memories of learning to eat with chopsticks as a kid and even though Ems already knows how to eat with chopsticks, Bridey gets jealous and would like to learn too. And the price wasn't atrocious after the discount, so we figured why not.

Then we went over to the "Holiday Tent" at IKEA. We got all our gift wrapping stuff for Christmas.

Then since Macy's was right there and my aunt had given us some old Macy's scrip they never used for Jeff's graduation, we decided to do Macy's too. We got Jeff two dress shirts (one on sale, one on clearance) and a tie, then went downstairs so I could eye up all the baby stuff. The Christmas dresses were soooo cute. I really liked a few of them, but I knew we couldn't afford them (we had about $35 left after the shirts and tie, and that was before tax.) But then Jeff told me to choose the ones I liked, and buy them anyway; he said it was okay that it was a little more than I had budgeted for both dresses this year, that it was worth it to see me happy. I went and looked at the ones that I had loved the most-- and noticed a green notation on the tag. They were already marked down to $25 from $50, 50% off! With the additional 30% discount, that meant that both dresses would be $35 together, not $35 each, and just paying the tax was definitely within our budget! Then when I checked out, it turned out that the clearance shirt was on additional sale as well because of the brand it was, so it was $10 instead of $15 as it had been marked. So we walked away from checkout with two dress shirts, a nice tie, and two Christmas dresses for an out-of-pocket cost of $2.38-- less than the total tax on the items we bought!

Unfortunately, things then took a turn for the worse. As we were exiting, I slipped on a spill on the floor. (A "wet floor" sign was up, but on the other side of the walkway from the spill and behind a sign, not easily visible.) I cried out in pain as my back pain was immediately eclipsed by hard, painful contractions. My husband managed to help me limp over to a chair they pulled up for me. They gave me some water, took my information, and immediately cleaned the spill up better (apparently it had already been mopped, but not well) and moved the sign, as well as posting an employee to warn people away (which I was glad to see.) After a while the contractions were less, and I was able to walk out to the car. But they didn't stop on the ride home, or when I got home and put an ice pack on my back. I was worried, so we called around until we found someone to help with a blessing (our home teacher works late most Saturdays, and most every other night, unfortunately; he's a full-time student and has a full-time job as well to support his two kids and pregnant wife. I don't begrudge him supporting his family, of course, but it can be hard to reach him, so we often end up calling someone else for immediate needs.) He came right over and after the blessing, the contractions finally stopped (I had one during the blessing and then no more.) The pain in my back also got better (helped as well, I am sure, by the Tylenol and ice pack.) But all in all, it was a scary experience. Thank goodness, no bleeding, although I did have rather heavy cervical mucous discharge. If the contractions had not stopped, I was nearing the two-hour deadline I had given myself before I was going to have to call the doctor and probably go in. Instead, I laid back on the ice pack and we watched Evan Almighty (very funny, not at all disrespectful to religion, and really quite entertaining.) So I'm hoping this is pretty much the end to the incident, but we'll see.

I just talked to my aunt.

My Uncle Bob has been sick for a while. They haven't figured out what has been wrong with him. Last night they got a tentative diagnosis of Lou Gehrig's Disease (ALS.) This is really bad.

They're still waiting on some more tests. It is not a definitive diagnosis yet. I would really appreciate everyone's prayers, for some kind of miracle that it is NOT ALS, for him to have a long and healthy life even if it is, just for him to be well, for his doctors to figure out what to do for him, and for my family in general.

Uncle Bob is really special to everyone who knows him. He has been a Catholic school teacher for many years (interspersed with some principaling and some consulting.) He has touched the lives of his students and their families as well as our family in so many ways. He is just one of the most wonderful people I know and we are not ready to accept this diagnosis until it is definite.

Please, any prayers you have for him and for us are much appreciated. His name is Bob Grossi. Thanks.

That was NOT how I intended to spend my morning.

So Sister Stoll picked me up, another older sister was already in the car, we were on our way to the Storehouse to work for the morning-- and we got rear-ended out of nowhere. The guy apparently fell asleep at the wheel after his graveyard shift and hit the accelerator. I was in the back seat. The others were shaken up but unharmed; I have a serious case of whiplash. (Thankfully, the paramedics found my glasses.) I can't raise my right arm up hardly at all, can't lift my left over my shoulder, my head is throbbing, and I don't have full range of motion in my neck, especially to the right. I let the paramedics convince me to go in and get checked out because I was kind of dizzy. So after a rather disconcerting (and nauseating) ambulance ride and a chat with the kind-of-cute paramedic, I wound up in the ER, where I was exposed to rubbing alcohol (in the room across from mine) and promptly got an asthma attack. They sent down a respiratory therapist, I had a breathing treatment, and then had to go get x-rays. (They double shielded me, just in case.) That hurt. Somewhere in there Jeff showed up (Sister Stoll called him) and Bridget started screaming. I could hear her all the way in the x-ray room. Once the doctor checked to make sure that I didn't have a spinal injury, they let me go. They gave me a prescription for Ultram, which is great, I have taken it in the past for menstrual pain, but I can't take it because I'm nursing. So I'm stuck with moist heat, Advil, and Tylenol.

So we just got home. Ay.

Griffith Park is burning.

I didn't know this until I turned to NBC for SVU; they ran coverage in between instead of commercials tonight. Dante's View is gone. (That's a beautiful garden overlooking the city, that you could walk up to and check out the flowers in the daytime or the city lights at night.) They had to evac the zoo, the historic carousel, the Gene Autry museum, and Travel Town (although they are now safe.) (They didn't have to remove the animals at the zoo, just had all the people leave; they had a plan in place to evac the animals if necessary but the fire was turned and they didn't have to.) The fire has come dangerously close to the Observatory (although at this time it has been turned away from that area), the Greek Theater, and houses in the area (mandatory evacuation; Marshall High School, where one of my friends teaches, is being used as an emergency shelter.) As one commentator said, only about 300 acres have been affected, which isn't really that much in a wildfire, but the problem with this one is that Griffith Park is right smack in the middle of an urban area, bordered by Glendale on one side and Los Feliz on the other. For those not familiar with L.A., imagine New York's Central Park burning and that might give you an idea. For those who don't know Glendale, I'll explain that it's near Pasadena and that my parents, siblings, and I were all born there. Bridget's birth certificate says Glendale on it because the hospital she was born in is in the part of Montrose that is technically part of Glendale instead of part of unincorporated L.A. County. Although we were not technically part of the city-- most of La Crescenta, the community I grew up in, is unincorporated county land-- we were part of the Glendale Unified School District. Growing up we were 15 minutes from Griffith Park; now we're about 20-25.

Jeff heard about this before I did but didn't mention it to me, not knowing what it would mean to me. You see, I, and I think many others, think of Griffith Park as the heart of L.A. (not geographically, but rather spiritually or, well, you know what I mean.) It has many of the historical spots, cultural centers, and childhood favorite places in the city. When I suddenly saw pictures of flames in Griffith Park, I was overwhelmed. I was stricken. I cried and I prayed. Others, apparently, are having the same reaction. The water-dumping helicopters are still out flying; they were told to land for the night if they wanted to but to a person the pilots and crews said they would stay and fight the fire, now with only infrared to help them navigate and despite communications being sub-par because the power is out and so they're running on field generators for the radios and other comm equipment. (My prayers are with those pilots as well as the firefighters on the ground and the people whose homes have been evacuated.)

So now that I've vented a bit, I will turn to happier memories of Griffith Park, since I have a feeling that it will do more good, for me and for everyone else, to have some positive energy going than negative thoughts and worries all the time, when I can't really do much about it.

Growing up, Griffith Park was like a fantasy land or a theme park to me. We used to go on hikes there; we went to the zoo, of course, and the Gene Autry Museum of Western Heritage. That's a great museum, with art exhibits (NA art, western vistas, period pieces, all kinds of things), historical clothing and household objects, a collection of authentic western sheriff badges from the 1800s, exhibits on westerns in tv and movies and their influence on pop culture (including a saddle you can sit on and put yourself in a western!), the Howdy Doody bedroom that my mom wanted when she was a little girl and never got (long story), all kinds of things. We all loved it so much, including my mom, that we had a membership growing up. Travel Town was a favorite when we were young enough to be bored by the Autry but enthralled by trains; they had a train you could ride around, real old train cars you could climb around in, all kinds of things. My aunt used to take my brother and me, or me and my second cousins once removed when they were in town (girls, twins a year older than me; one is my aunt's goddaughter) to ride on the carousel, ride the ponies, run around the picnic area. My class took field trips to the Observatory. The Greek Theater is an outdoor auditorium that hosts all kinds of great events; we took field trips to see shows there, and that's where I fulfilled my almost lifelong (since I was 5) dream of seeing a live broadcast of A Prairie Home Companion when I was 19 (my dad got tickets for a birthday present for me.) At Christmas time the DWP puts on a light display in Griffith Park; we used to drive out every year and look at them. It's just a wonderful place, with lots of landmarks, an oasis in the busy city and a great place for people of all ages, and families especially.

So if you have an extra prayer, please say one for the people fighting the fire, the people who live nearby, and that the winds will continue to calm, that the weather will cool, perhaps some rain will come, the fire will die down, and the park will be spared further destruction. Thank you.

More excitement than we actually wanted

We had a grease fire in the oven. (No one hurt, no damage, I put it out and I have a slight cough but am otherwise okay, smoke has cleared nicely.)

Our landlord is not responding to the call that he needs to fix our oven. Of course.

I'm very glad we practiced and all knew exactly what to do. Emma even knew how to "get low and go"-- thank goodness for Elmo reinforcing our home fire and emergency drills!