Monday, August 18, 2008

I guess I don't talk about this much.

But I know you will not mind. (No TMI, I promise!)

I think I may have some PPD.

I've had a great weekend. The music was fun, mostly (don't get me started on my altercation with the lady who works there-- okay, not altercation, that's too strong a word, but I was not happy with our interaction), despite the hotel experience (they told us they'd have a crib and then they didn't; we hadn't brought the port-a-crib after being told they'd have one; Bridey didn't sleep until almost 5 AM-- it was La Quinta Costa Mesa, if you want to know), we had fun at IKEA and a good time at the wedding (though Emma freaked out at the sparklers-- which are illegal, BTW, which I was rather surprised no one seemed to know about, and we were RIGHT across the street from a state park, during fire season), a new nursing dress I bought on eBay was waiting for me when we got home, it was all around a fun few days. But I've been snappish, sad, yelling, crying, when we were driving home I had this crazy urge in the tunnel to just open the door and roll out into traffic. It was kind of scary. Jeff took Maggie to burp her while I was asleep and I woke up in a panic because she was gone. I am extremely anxious when separated from her (though I'm getting better about letting others hold her and not holding her ALL the time.)

Please don't suggest drugs. I'm not going to take them. Please don't suggest counselling either. I don't trust therapists. Both these issues stem from my experience with medication and therapists as a teen, which I don't want to talk about, but I may share privately if you ever really have to know. Suffice it to say, it's not going to happen. It's like my thing with female doctors. Just not going to happen. (Not that I could afford it if I wanted it, with no insurance. But since I don't, it's moot.)

I was like this when I was pregnant with Emma. I got over it as the hormones changed. It never happened with Bridey, at least not that I remember; okay, maybe a few days when she was a few months old. That was it. But this started when I was separated from Maggie and has persisted since then. It doesn't help that my hormones aren't back to normal yet. I've got a good few months to go, judging by past experience.

If you are a praying person, I'd love your prayers. I feel detatched and isolated even as I'm more involved than I've ever been in a host of things. Life goes by so fast and I sometimes just feel like it's passing me by. I hate this. I hope it passes soon.

And I don't know why I'm even writing this. I just am. And it doesn't help. Prayer helps while I'm praying, and for a little while afterward, but not all day. And I feel so tired I don't even want to pray. Ditto everything else that usually makes me feel better. I'm stress eating, which just makes things worse. I should probably watch that. But I don't even care.

I want to escape. I just want to go watch the waves roll into nothing and then sleep and not listen to any whining and screaming and just sleep.

I guess I sound pretty depressed, huh? Sorry. Didn't mean to bring you all down...

I really do have fun. This weekend was fun, lots of it. Next Saturday we're having a poop party because Emma finally pooped in the toilet three times in a row with no accidents. (Who's coming? My mom. Who else? No one, because all she wants is my mom and a pinata, go figure. Well, that's fine, makes things easy...) Everything is fun. But the fun never lasts, and in between I'm just... bleh.

I want to sleep now. I'm tired. But I can't sleep and probably won't. Again. Oh, well. That's okay. It's not like I have anything to do tomorrow...


Awesome Mom said...

I hope that you can start feeling better soon.

Meagan said...

I'm so sorry. I never got PPD, but I had a BAD case of the baby blues for about a week after my daughter was born. It was the hardest week of my life... and not because of her, but because I felt like I couldn't deal with anything. All I did was cry.

Anyway, just wanted to let you know I'm thinking of & praying for you. Hope you feel better really soon!

happy mommy said...

Hang in there, Mom.

May I suggest 2 things? (feel free to ignore me)

Exercize. If at all possible, find an hour every other day to walk, swim, something. I know it can be near to impossible with hard working hubby and little ones, but I swear by it.

And--listen to good, uplifting music. Not saying you listen to bad music, I just know that one day I realized I didn't ever listen to music at all. And it really does soothe and heal. So, consider that.

I've been where you are, you have my prayers.

Shiloah Baker said...

My dear, I completely understand where you are coming from. I was down that road off and on for years. Thankfully through much prayer I was taught how to heal and what to do.

I found your blog surfing from Mama Hens. I am LDS too and live in NC with my seven kids. I'm going to share some links to my blog and website where I talk about these things and what I have done to heal. I am no longer trapped in misery. Prayers and Priesthood blessings work, but God also wants us to figure out how to help ourselves. After all, we came here to earth to work out our own salvation. He does understand what we go through.

I've been blessed to see a naturopathic doctor this past year and the question she puts to me, is "The problem is not the symptoms, the problem is WHY is she HAVING the symptoms?" More specifically in my personal journal I have added additional questions: What are you lacking in nutrients? How are your emotions? Do you have problems with parasites or candidas? Are the hormones balanced? Did you know fears and phobias cause the hormones to be off balance? Emotions play an enormous role in our physical health.

Healing Emotionally:
(My Health Update)

If you wish to learn more, I can share so much. I have completely been where you are and it is miserable and you feel very alone. ...but you are NOT alone. Others have felt what you have felt and most importantly our Savior knows what you are going through too.

Shiloah Baker, mom of 7

Dionne said...

Oh yeah, I've been there. Still there to a degree, actually, with this last babe of mine.

Strangely enough, what has helped me the most (besides priesthood blessings and uplifting music, as others have said) is to just accept that this is how it is for me.

I take two years to bounce back from a baby, and when I cut myself some slack for that, it's easier.

*sunchips* said...

"A conviction that you are a daughter of God gives you a feeling of comfort in your self-worth. It means that you can find strength in the balm of Christ. It will help you meet the heartaches and challenges with faith and serenity" ("What It Means to Be a Daughter of God," Liahona, Jan. 2000, 123; Ensign, Nov. 1999, 102).

I'm going through the same thing right now. I recognized it right away, from past depression problems. I finally asked for medication so that I could at least function.
I've found that making a goal to do something for MYSELF every day helps a lot.
Keep praying. I'll add you to my prayers as well. Remember you are a good mother and a good wife. Heavenly Father loves you. Read and re-read the August Visiting Teaching message. ((HUGS))

txmommy said...

Oh no! I'm late in reading this but I just wanted to offer a word of support.

It sounds like you have an awesome husband and family and great faith so I will pray for you that this will pass quickly and that you will figure out what helps.