The IUD is out.
A month ago I got an IUD put in (ParaGard); being uninsured, I paid $450 for this ($350 for the IUD, $100 for the insertion.) I can't have hormonal bc of any type, so we were really excited about this option (Bridget, much as we love her, was conceived when a condom failed.) I was really worried about the insertion, having had previous problems with heavy cramping and bleeding, so I got a blessing before I went. In it, my husband blessed me that all would go well with the procedure (he was kinda vague as our home teacher was over helping with the blessing; I didn't want to get into our reproductive history with a young man our age, even though he also has two kids, so we just told him I was having a "minor procedure" done the next day and I just wanted a blessing because I was worried about complications; I know, I'm fine sharing with internet strangers but not a member of our ward, go figure), that my body would be healthy, that I would have minimal pain, and that the procedure would be effective. And the insertion went great! I did indeed have all the "some people may experience" immediate aftereffects-- dizziness, weakness, and blackouts-- but there was minimal cramping, and after lying on the table for five or so minutes, I was good again. I had a tiny bit of cramping, not as bad as with my period, and a little spotting the next day or two, but by the day after I was fine going to Disneyland, with no ill effects other than some PMS-like emotional symptoms. So I was thinking what a great thing this IUD was, and that it was really going to work out.
So I went in yesterday for a one-month check, just to make sure it was still positioned right (my doctor is really good and very experienced and I trust him when he says it was positioned correctly when it went in.) With the usual "Ow!" and wincing as he got ready to check it, I was as relaxed as is possible in that situation as he said, "So, we'll check this, and then it should be fine and you won't need to come in again for it, just call us if you have any problems." Then, as he actually got a look, I heard the words you don't want to hear: "Oh, my. This is unusual."
Apparently, the IUD had come half out and stuck. He said he's only seen that two or three times in all his years of practice; usually if it's going to be expelled, it gets all the way expelled. "So we're going to give you a pregnancy test today, just in case, and then come back in a week or two and we'll do another and replace the IUD. The company stands behind their product, I'll call them and they'll replace it and pay for the insertion so you don't have to pay again." So I peed in a cup before I left; they usually give the results of pregnancy tests right away but they were about to go to lunch so the doctor said they'd call with the results.
They didn't call. I don't know if he forgot to tell them or they forgot to call or what, but they didn't call. By the time I called this afternoon, they were closed for the weekend; I forgot that they close at 1 on Fridays. I can't deal with the nerve-wracking-ness, so I went to the dollar store to pick up a home test. No luck, they usually have them but were out. So we went to a late lunch at Bronco, where they have good Mexican food and also horchata to drink. (Ems and I are both horchata lovers, and it was a hot day.) Their ATM was broken, and they're cash-only. Grrr. Not my day. So I went down the street to Bank of America, where they charge more than the pay-for-ATM that Bronco has, and used theirs. Whatever. By the time we got back to Bronco, I was really ready for it. We shared a chicken burrito and each had a cup of horchata and some chips. Mmmm. So I came back home, and having given up, called and left a voicemail for Ketchup Prince Consort saying that I needed him to pick up a pregnancy test or two on the way home; he's as nervous as I am about this, even though, as my mom says, the chances are very small that I'd actually be pregnant.
But at least I got a laugh out of it; husband mine knows just what to say. I called him at work yesterday to tell him what was going on and when he heard, he said, "If you're pregnant, I want my money back!" Just the right thing to make me laugh and break the tension. I love that man.