The Day You Joined Us

On the day you joined us there was joy and terror.
I was too scared to scream.
I was too upset to cry.
I was too relieved to think.
Someday I'll be able to tell you that it matters that you were born safe and healthy
And it also matters that it didn't go as planned
And that I was scared out of my mind.
Someday I'll tell you how I grieve that I was asleep and didn't see you until you were clean and wrapped and had sat with Abba by my bed for hours.
Some day
I'll also tell you that when I gave you milk I felt that you were truly born at last
That I finally felt you mine.
Some time
I'll have the courage to tell you
I had pain and horror
But
You were the best medicine there was.
Someday you'll be old enough to understand why I won't read you On the Day You Were Born
But I'll read Love You Forever
And I'll mean it.
I'm still sorry for both of us
Your poor little body suffered too
I'll always regret that.
The day you joined us was among the most terrifying
Scariest
Hardest things I've ever done
But I'd do it again to have you here.
I would die for you but that's not what you need.
Living is harder
But I'll do that too.
And some day I'll hold you
And tell you your story
And I hope I'll be able to help you understand
Though I never want you to have to live through it
No matter what it was worth it.