Thursday, December 23, 2010

Sometimes, there are unsurvivable crashes.

Last Saturday, a friend of mine was on the highway and hit a patch of ice. She skidded, flipped, and went over a fence, hit a water tower and slid some more, landing sideways. Her two year old son was in the car. He was properly restrained in his car seat, which was correctly installed. He was unharmed in a crash that could have been fatal if he had not been. I was so glad to hear that. I knew my time teaching her had been well spent, and this little boy I love had benefited from it.

But sometimes, there are unsurvivable crashes. The big rig's brakes go out and it smashes into the minivan, which plows into another truck or a building. The force is so great that there is nothing anyone can do. The children can all be in proper car seats, and they die anyway.

This week, we had an unsurvivable crash in our own life, though not in a vehicle.

Once there was a little girl named Rebecca Irene, but everyone called her Becky. She had a personality. She didn't like pepperoni, but she loved fruit and she liked chocolate cake, too. She danced a lot. She especially enjoyed The Wiggles, and A Christmas Cornucopia, the new Christmas album by Annie Lennox. She liked warm baths. She knew her father's voice and would wiggle when she heard him. She liked to hear her sisters talk or sing or giggle, and got agitated when they fought or screamed. She was a joyful child and she knew love when she experienced the sound or feel of it.

She was also very active. Last Sunday night, she decided to do a flip. She turned upside down, then sideways, then back down again, as she had done many times before. But this time, she was getting cramped. Like her mommy, grandpa, and sisters, she had a very long umbilical cord. She was running out of room and somehow, when she flipped this time, she tightened a knot that had been tied in her cord a long time back, and the cord also wrapped around her neck three times, whether before or after this, we don't know.

By the next morning she was getting sleepy. Her kicking slowed down, and her mommy thought she was getting a little quiet because it was almost time for her to be born (her due date was later that week, after all.) Soon she stopped moving altogether. Her brain went to sleep; she lost function in her body as slowly the non-essential, then many of the essential parts of her brain shut down. Her mommy thought she was napping, as she did sometimes. Then her mommy started to worry a little. Her mommy listened to her heart, and was reassured to hear her heartbeat. Her mommy also felt her move once in a while, though later her mommy would find out that these movements were most likely reflexive muscle contractions and actually weren't what we would think of as "movements" at all. Her mommy worried enough to call the doctor. The doctor's call service had a problem, and she didn't get a call back. But her mommy fell asleep.

The next morning, Becky still didn't move. Her mommy worried a lot, and counted the minutes until the doctor's office opened. She called as soon as they did, and they told the mommy to come in. The mommy called the daddy and the grandma, and as soon as grandma got home to stay with Becky's sisters, the mommy and daddy went to the doctor's office.

At the office, the nurse put a monitor on Becky. They found a heartbeat, all right. But, it wasn't doing what it was supposed to. Even when they buzzed a loud noise at her and fed her mommy juice, the heartbeat didn't change. The doctor was very worried. He sent the mommy to the hospital, and she went up to L&D. They put another monitor on. Becky had one of her reflexive movements right about this time, though she was still asleep. No one knew that she was already so sleepy there was no chance she would ever wake. There was no way to know. But when no more heart variations came after that last one, the doctor came in and told the mommy that something was wrong. The mommy agreed it was time for Becky to come out, and they began an induction.

After a few hours of the induction, the doctor came in again. They were having trouble keeping the monitor in the right place as the mommy tried to remain comfortable and moved around. The doctor said it was very important to find out what was going on. He asked, and she agreed, to break the mommy's bag of amniotic fluid, and put internal monitors in.

When the water was broken, the doctor got even more worried. There was a lot of meconium. It was what he called "plus four meconium." That meant there was a whole lot of it, and it had probably happened a long time ago. Becky's bowels probably released when her brain first went to sleep.

After a few minutes, the nurses realized that Becky was not tolerating the contractions. They called the doctor. They gave the mommy a medicine to stop the contractions, and the doctor came in and told the mommy that it was time to get the baby out by c-section.

The mommy was very scared and angry. She did not want a c-section. She had a great fear of them. She asked her doctor to please tell her the risks of a c-section (which she already knew) and the risks of not doing a c-section. The doctor still thought there was a good chance to save the baby at this point. He didn't know her brain was already asleep, or that it had probably been that way since yesterday. He told the mommy and daddy what they needed to know, and then he sent the anesthesiologist in.

The mommy didn't like the anesthesiologist. The mommy has a fear of female doctors. She was already panicking and this made it worse. She was given a choice: spinal block or general anesthesia. Again, she discussed the risks and benefits. Then she asked for the doctor to leave while she talked to the daddy.

The mommy was very, very, very scared. She called her mommy. She couldn't make herself make the decision she needed to. She called the anesthesiologist back in to ask if she had the spinal block, could she change her mind. The doctor said yes, but it would be easier on her to do the general in the first place if she thought she'd end up with it-- and that after talking to the mommy, she thought that was likely.

The daddy and mommy talked. The mommy told the daddy that she was sorry. She wanted the daddy to be able to be in the room for the baby's birth. But she couldn't make herself do it. The daddy loved the mommy very much. He knew how scared she was. He told her that he wanted her to do whatever would make it okay for her. She got mad and said it wasn't okay. He said he knew. But it had to be done.

The doctor came back in. He said the baby's heart was getting worse. He understood this was a hard decision but it needed to be made now, and he would make it if she couldn't. The mommy finally told him, "Just put me under. I can't do this awake." He told her he understood as he ran out of the room and began to scrub in the OR down the hall.

The nurses ran in. They began to move the bed. The daddy walked into the hall with the mommy, and then he had to kiss her and go back. The mommy was very, very scared. She felt like this couldn't be happening.

She got to the OR and they tried to put a catheter in as the anesthesiologist got ready. It didn't go in the first time and the doctor ordered them to give up. A little pee was the least of his worries and he needed them doing more important things RIGHT NOW. The mommy got more scared but at that point, the anesthesiologist (who really wasn't a bad person; just in the wrong place at the wrong time or the mommy might have liked her) apologized that this was going to hurt. A nurse came and held her throat as the medicine began to burn in her arm and chest. As the mommy fell asleep, the nurse held her hand and stroked it, and looked her in the eyes. She whispered, "It's all right. I know you're scared. I'm sorry."

The next thing the mommy knew, she was in a strange room with strange people. Her doctor whom she trusted was not there. There was a strange nurse who was talking loudly to her. She didn't like it. She felt empty in her tummy and her heart. Her throat hurt, and her body was very tense. It was so tense that she was grabbing the bedrails, which her wrists were strapped to, and could not let go, and her body was shaking so violently that she thought there were vibrating cushions in the bed. She knew something was horrible. She moaned, "I want to go back to sleep. Please let me go back to sleep."

The nurse came over with a shot and said, "I am going to give you a shot for pain, ok?" The mommy yelled, "No! I don't want the shot!" She was still not thinking very clearly. She asked, "Where is my baby? Is my baby okay?" No one answered her. In the other bed she heard an old man being taken upstairs after his surgery. The lights were very bright in her eyes. She still couldn't let go of the bed rails. The nurse unstrapped her wrists and told her to let go. She couldn't make herself do it. She asked again, "Is my baby okay? Is my baby okay?" The nurse said, "Honey, I wasn't in the room. I'm just in Recovery." That wasn't really an answer. The mommy felt that she should know the answer. She asked, "Would you please look in my chart?" The nurse seemed not to hear. At this point, the mommy gave up. She was pretty sure that the nurse knew where her baby was and didn't want to tell her. She hoped that the baby was being life-flighted to a NICU. But in the bottom of her heart, the mommy feared that what she had felt when she woke up was true-- that her baby was gone from this life.

The mommy started to think a little more clearly. She said, "I want the shot now." The nurse gave her the shot. She relaxed enough to let go of the bedrails when asked, though she did not want to. She waited a little longer, pretending that she was calming down, while inside she felt more and more like screaming. She asked what floor they were on. For some reason she needed to know. Tears ran down the mommy's face. They wheeled the mommy back upstairs, and in the elevator the mommy asked what time it was, and found out that about an hour had passed since she went to sleep.

When the mommy got to the room, the daddy was there waiting. She couldn't see his face, as she had taken off her glasses before surgery. She asked for her glasses. The daddy went to find them. He said, "I know they're in one of these bags." As the daddy looked she grew impatient. She said, "What happened?" He said, "Let me find your glasses. Then I'll tell you." She knew then that he didn't want to tell her. But she had to know. She almost yelled at him, "I need to know! Tell me what happened!" It wasn't angry screaming. She wasn't scared. She was terrified.

The daddy came back, and sat down. He held the mommy's hand. He said, "She didn't make it." He cried. She cried. She asked again, "What happened?"

The daddy said that he had waited in the room, then went out and was directed to the waiting room. Half an hour later the doctor came in. The daddy knew it was very bad when the doctor asked the other man in the room to leave. The doctor told the daddy that Becky was born less than ten minutes after the mommy went in the room. She never took a breath, and her heart never beat outside the womb. It turned out that the umbilical cord with the knot had sustained just enough function that it was like life support. When the cord was cut, the plug was pulled on the life support machines. Becky's brain had already died. It couldn't make her heart beat on its own. The doctor told the daddy that they tried for 20 minutes to make Becky's heart beat and make her breathe.

The mommy couldn't quite believe this was happening. She asked again for her glasses. The daddy found them and she put them on. The mommy began to cry again. She said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Then the doctor walked in. He asked, "Does she know?" The daddy choked down a sob and nodded.

The doctor was in shock. He looked it, and he said it. He said in 26 years this had never happened. He had had babies that he knew would not make it die, but he had never expected that Becky would not live. He had expected that she would be saved. The mommy said that she should have done something sooner. She should have gone in on Monday. Gently the doctor explained that it wouldn't have made a difference. Becky's brain was already asleep. When that happened, by the time the mommy could notice that something was wrong, it was too late already. The same thing would have happened, just a day earlier. The doctor sat with them for a long time, and he answered a lot of questions. He said he was very, very sorry. The mommy could see that the doctor was sad. She said, "I think you feel almost as bad as us." The doctor said, "I can't imagine how you feel. But I do feel very bad. I'm so, so sorry. I never thought this would happen. None of us wanted this. We tried our best and it wasn't enough." The mommy was not angry at the doctor. She trusted the doctor with her life, and her babies' lives. She knew that if he was not able to save Becky, she could not be saved. And she knew that he was telling her the truth. Though she still felt like a bad mommy for waiting so long, for that one extra day of not worrying enough, she knew, in her heart, that the doctor would not lie just to make her feel better. He was not hedging. He told her straight out that Becky was already gone by the time anyone could know something was wrong, and that nothing would have made a difference.

The doctor left, telling the mommy and daddy that he knew they would have more questions the next day, and that he would make extra time to talk to them as much as they needed. Then the mommy and daddy were alone in the room.

The mommy began to say sad and angry things. She said a lot that she didn't remember later, though she knew she probably said some things that hurt the daddy some. She mostly cried. And she said over and over that she was sorry. She knew it wasn't her fault but she was still sorry. She felt like she had failed to protect her baby.

After a while a nurse came in. She gave the mommy more pain medicine. The mommy's body was still very tense, and as her uterus contracted she stiffened all over and it hurt. But she couldn't focus on the pain in her body, because the pain in her heart hurt too much. The mommy and daddy cried together. The nurse came back, and asked gently if they wanted the baby in the room. They were not ready yet to meet Becky.

The mommy got her phone. The daddy had already called the relatives to let them know. The mommy called a friend. Her friend cried. The mommy was sorry but she couldn't talk much. She posted on Facebook. It was hard but she knew people would want to know. She knew people were worried for her and Becky and they deserved the truth.

The grandma came by with Becky's sisters. When they walked in they wanted to know where the baby was. The mommy explained that Becky's body had stopped working and that she was dead. The sisters had a lot of questions. Well, the older two did. The mommy answered them. The littlest sister just looked at the mommy. She was scared to see the mommy lying in the bed crying. The mommy's heart hurt for Becky, and it hurt because she had to tell the sisters news that was going to make them sad.

After a while the mommy and daddy asked for Becky to be brought in. They asked if the sisters wanted to stay or go. Two of them decided to go in the hall. The oldest sister stayed. The baby was brought in. Becky looked like she was asleep. The sister did not want to touch her. That was okay. The mommy asked to hold the baby. Then the daddy held her. Then the mommy held her some more. The next sister walked in and wondered why the baby was asleep. The mommy had to explain again. The two oldest sisters left. The daddy went out to be with them and the grandma came in. She held the baby too for a while. After a while the littlest sister came in with the daddy. She looked at the baby. She wanted to kiss the mommy but didn't like leaning over to do it. The daddy asked the sisters to say goodbye to Becky. The middle sister didn't understand why Becky couldn't come home, and the mommy explained again. The biggest two sisters said goodbye, and the grandma and daddy took the sisters home. The grandpa came by. He held the baby too. He talked to her, and to the mommy. The mommy told him all the most horrible thoughts she had had, and why she felt so bad. He told her that it was okay. We all think and say things when we are scared, that we don't mean. She knew that he meant it. She was comforted.

The daddy slept on the chair that folded out in the room that night. The mommy didn't sleep much. Most of the night she held Becky. She sang songs in the long, long rainy night. She sang all the favorite songs that she had looked forward to singing to Becky once she was born. She had wondered which would be Becky's favorite and now she would never know. But she sang the songs anyway, to get through the painful, rainy, sad night. She was in a lot of pain. She kept getting the daddy up to help her. She felt bad doing so, and apologized each time. But she needed help and tonight, she needed him. She could not ask a nurse, a stranger, to come in and help with little things. She only wanted the daddy to help.

The next day people started asking to help. The mommy accepted their help. A very nice photographer came from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation. The night before a friend had contacted them and the daddy had called. He couldn't call again, he was too upset, so the friend kindly made the hard phone calls for the mommy and daddy. The daddy left and the grandma came, and helped wash and dress the baby, and the pictures were taken. The great-grandma was there too. The mommy dressed Becky in the Christmas dress and bow she had bought for her, that matched her sisters' dresses. The mommy and grandma cried. The photographs done, the photographer left. The great-grandma left. The grandma stayed with the mommy until the nurse came to take the baby down to the morgue so that she could stay the way she was, until the daddy was ready to come say goodbye.

That night the daddy and mommy said goodbye to Becky. They signed some release papers to let Becky go to the people who would take care of her for her burial preparations. They told her they loved her. They told her everything they needed to tell her. They kissed her, and they called the nurse in. The nurse tucked her in lovingly and gently. Then she wheeled her away, and the daddy and mommy held hands and cried together. It was probably the hardest thing they had ever done, to let her go out that door. The daddy went home to be with the sisters, and the grandma came to sit with the mommy.

The story isn't over. There is another day, and another, and another. Next week the mommy and daddy will go to a cemetary with their Stake President, whom they have known for a long time (he knew them before they married; he witnessed their wedding certificate in the Temple and he performed their ring ceremony; he has known each of their girls as a baby, and he was looking forward to meeting Becky.) He will consecrate her grave and they will put her body in the ground. There will be a place where people can go, and know that Rebecca Irene, whom everyone always called Becky, existed. There will be no way for them to know her, and they will not be able to see, looking at her grave marker, how joyful her very short time with her family was. They will probably never even know that she never took a breath or had a heartbeat outside of the womb. But they will know that she had a name, and a family who love her, and who wrote her name down so that people can see that she was here, and part of their family.

Becky will always be a part of the family. She may not be seen, but she will be present in their lives. The mommy and daddy and sisters were brought joy by her life. They always have and always will love her. And they believe that they will see her one day. The wait will be hard, but it will be worth it. And they will know her when they get there. They don't know how that will happen, but they know it will happen. They will know Becky, and Becky will know them. And once again, there will be joy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This is the first photograph we have. There are many more but the photographer rush edited it so we would have it right away.



Rebecca Irene
Born still on Dec. 21, 2010 at 5:32 PM
7 lbs., 0 oz.
20 inches long

We will love her forever.

104 comments:

Qarin said...

Ohh, Anne, she is beautiful.

I love you, and I'm so, so sorry.

Meghan said...

Anne, she is so beautiful.

I love you, and I love your beautiful little girl.

I'm so very sorry. Lots of love for you and your family.

Jessica said...

She's so very beautiful, and you are pure grace. Such lovely writing, what a wonderful way to share your precious daughter with the world. We WILL remember her, and the joy she brought. Love to you and your family.

Judi said...

She is perfect. I am crying with you.

berahid said...

She is so beautiful. Thank you for sharing your story with us. You and your family are in our prayers.

Desiree_Leigh said...

Anne, she's so gorgeous. Thank you for sharing her with us all. You are all in my thoughts.

Jenna said...

Bless you, Anne. I am so grateful that you were willing to share this sacred experience with those of us who love you. Writing it out, freshly, is exactly what I would have done too. You did a lovely job. It brought tears to my eyes, and also strengthened my faith. I can feel yours too, though I know it must be terribly difficult for you to focus on right now. She is so, so beautiful. And she'll be yours again to rock in your arms and sing to one day.

I love you.

mrs_teeee67 (Terri) said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful Becky.

Tears are flowing again and my prayers continue for your family. May you find strength and comfort.

Valarie said...

Wonderfully written, Anne. I was sobbing, but couldn't stop reading to even get a tissue. It brought back so many memories, but I also felt so much love for Becky, and you and Jeff. She's such a beautiful child. Thank you for sharing her story and picture.

Awesome Mom said...

I am so sorry for your loss! It is heartbreaking that something like that would happen at a time when you like to think your baby is the safest.

Anonymous said...

She is so beautiful.

--Rosey

Nessa said...

She's beautiful. I've been thinking of you, constantly. Sending lots of love to you and your family.

ThreeBeans said...

Oh Anne....she is so very, very beautiful. My heart is broken for you all over again.

Starlight said...

Anne, my heart breaks for you and your family. Thank you so much for sharing your story. Your daughter is beautiful.

Dana said...

Such a heartfelt story - thank you for sharing it and for the beautiful photo - you are very loved by lots of people and I hope you are comforted with that love - Becky's mortal journey was over before it started but she is safe in the loving arms of Him who blesses us - may He pour out His love and comfort for you as you mourn the loss of your precious child !

Jessica Sawyers (Joyofbirth) said...

Oh, Anne, my heart aches for you. Thank you for sharing Becky with us and thank you for sharing her story. She is so beautiful and so precious. I wish there was something I could do or say. I desperately wish there was some way I could make this not true. I am here in for in any way I can be. I love you and your family so much. I'm so, so, so sorry.

Jamii (DJMA) said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. She is absolutely beautiful! You and your family will continuously be in my prayers.

Anonymous said...

thank you for sharing you story, anne. she is beautiful!

i'm so sorry for your loss.

holly (super_grape)

Mom2FiveGirls said...

Thank you for sharing. Becky is absolutely beautiful! You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mylilboyblue said...

Thank you for sharing Anne. She is beautiful. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart is broken for you and your family.

Shane Roe said...

What a beautiful child. I cried along with you as I read your story. My heart and prayers go out to you. I know you will one day have Becky back again.

MissKatie said...

Oh Anne. My thoughts and prayers have been with you and Becky and Jeff and the girls all week. Your words are beautiful, and your daughter even moreso. Please know that myself and the rest of car-seat.org will be here for you in the coming days. I think I speak for all of us when I say I wish we could bring Becky back, but since the best we can do is wrap our arms around you, you have all of our hugs.

juanita said...

so very sorry Anne and Jeff, what a beautiful picture. I am glad you have it. Like Shane said, I know you will be with your little one again and hope you will feel her influence in your life.

Stephanie (stephpook) said...

What a beautiful love story and a beautiful little girl. Thank you for sharing, even in your pain.

We will continue to pray for you and your family.

Torey (MomToGupAndBetaCPST) said...

Anne, Becky is just gorgeous.

I'm so sorry. Sorry seems too inadequate, but there are no right words for this. Thank you for sharing Becky's story with us.

rachelandtyke said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful daughter and her story. I am so sorry . . .

palmetto_gal from Nauvoo said...

Thank you for sharing these tender words and feelings with us. I'm so sorry that you, Jeff and the girls are going through this. How grateful we can be for the Plan of Salvation. Hugs to you.

Holly (lukensophie) said...

Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful Becky with us. I pray that you and your family will find comfort in those who love you.

jocelyn said...

I'm wishing so much love for you and yours.

She is beautiful.

(krasota from the board)

Melissa said...

Thank you for sharing your beautiful angel's story. My prayers are with you and your family.

M2O

Titus Todd said...

I'm sure it took a lot to write that. I cannot imagine the emotions ya'll are going through. My heart aches for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
-TheOne

Bob of MN said...

Becky was beautiful. Thank you for sharing her story with us.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing with us. You are right, we all will know, remember and love that little girl. She is gorgeous and you are amazing. So many prayers and lots of love for you in the coming weeks and months. My husband also says to send his thoughts for you and your family.

Melissa-Menfusse from cs.org.

Anonymous said...

Anne, your grace and strength amazes me. Your story is a legacy to both Becky and your family.

She is absolutely beautiful and she was known and loved by so many. Sending love and prayers for you, Jeff and the girls.

I am so, so sorry.

Christa (celtic1885)

Miss-buggy said...

Hun, that was beautifully written. Becky is beautiful. I am so sorry that you and your family have to go through this. Such a terrible heart ache and you are in my heart. Know that you are loved and Becky IS loved.
You are not a bad mommy and there is nothing you could have done to stop it. I imagine it feels so out of your control. Hun I am so sorry. So sorry.
Love the picture. She is beautiful

Pink Floyd said...

I am so sorry for your loss. You and your family are in my thougths and prayers.

Thank you for sharing your story. I will read and re-read it often.

Best to you from me.

Pink Floyd
Nauvoo

Mandy said...

This is such a beautiful story in memory of your beautiful little girl. My heart breaks for you and your family, enduring this unthinkable loss.

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing with us.

She is so beautiful. Your strength amazes me.

Steph c-s.org

Nikki said...

Anne, She is absolutely beautiful.

I don't know what else to say all I have is a ((HUG))

Nikki (njkj on c-s.org)

CurelomFarm said...

What a beautiful baby and daughter of God. It took me awhile to read your story because I kept having to wipe away tears.

I'm so sorry she couldn't be with you longer, but I know you trust in God's love and the plan of salvation. Someday, I hope to meet this precious child.

Love to all of you from Sandy (Curelom from Nauvoo)

Carrie Cetina said...

Anne, your strength amazes me. My heart has ached for your family since your loss. You have been in my thoughts and prayers each time I pray. She is absolutely beautiful. She is being cradled in Christ's arms now, and he loves her. Knowing that you will be reunited with her in the hereafter is such a beautiful gift that we have. You are such an awesome mommy, and your family knows that. Becky will watch you from afar, and wait for your return to the heavens above, and when you are reunited with her, the angels will sing. She will always be in your life, during the fun, the sad, the exciting and the boring. I am so sorry for your loss.

christineka said...

Thanks for sharing your story. It's heartbreaking. Your Becky is beautiful.

Stevens Family said...

What a gorgeous beautiful girl. We love you Becky. We love you Anne and Jeff, and girls. Please let me know if I can do anything.

Maggie said...

Anne, she is gorgeous. Thank you for sharing her with us.
Maggie from c-s.org

Rachel Stabler-Clements said...

Anne,
She is absolutely beautiful! Just as beautiful as I expected. Thank you so very much for sharing her with us. We love you very very much, Anne!

Defrost said...

Oh honey, I don't know if it is too early for you to hear this, or if my perspective even means anything, but this was truly not your fault in any way. It's just like you said, an unsurvivable crash.

The first thing I saw was the post that Becky was gone. Then I went back and read your earlier posts about contractions and her not moving. My FIRST THOUGHT was "oh no, it was a cord accident." Then I read the post from the hospital about finding a heartbeat, and I thought "I was wrong, it must have been something else; if it was a cord accident they wouldn't have found a heartbeat."

It's normal to have doubts and what-ifs. Even when things are so very obviously just pure accidents and no one's fault at all, we still go back over the details and try to figure out what we could have done differently. It helps us regain that feeling that we have at least some control over our lives, especially when things are feeling so chaotic.

You really, truly, did everything just exactly right, and it sounds like your medical team did, too. It should have worked, it should have protected Becky, and it would have, had the "crash" been any other type. (((hugs)))

Alicia! said...

Oh Anne, she is just perfect. I can't imagine the horror and pain you had to undergo. You are a stronger woman than I, and I pray that peace will surround you, even in moments of doubt.

-kidzndogz

Michelle (smithmom) said...

Anne, she is beautiful. I am so sorry for your family's loss. Thank you for sharing her with us.

Marcie said...

Anne, thank you for sharing Becky with us. She will always be loved. We love you and your family and you will be in our thoughts and prayers.

Calleiah said...

Oh Anne, she's so beautiful and so perfect. Thank you for sharing your little miracle. She is in every way God's masterpiece. You did everything you were supposed to do, you loved her, and took care of her, and grew a perfect baby. She knew nothing but love and warmth and comfort with you. I will never forget your sweet Becky.

Crys said...

Anne, my thoughts are with you guys durring this time. Thank you for sharing your story.

A Pack said...

That is just worded just wonderfully. She is a precious little angel. Your strength amazes me. -Karen

Anonymous said...

Anne,
Thank you for sharing Becky with us.
She is so beautiful. My heart aches for you and your family. All of you are loved by many and I hope you feel that love surround you.

I will keep you and yours in my prayers. May you find love and peace, beyond the grief.

Love, Coral (New grandma)

murphydog77 said...

Becky is beautiful, Anne. Thank you for sharing her story during such a difficult time. My thoughts are with you and your family.

Heather

Amanda (Jourdysmom) said...

Anne, thank you so much for sharing your precious Becky with us. May you be filled with her spirit and light as she watches over you. May you find peace during this difficult time.

We love and pray for you at C-S.O, hugs.

~Amanda (Jourdysmom)

Brandi said...

Anne, she's absolutely beautiful. May your family receive the peace and strength you need to face the coming days. Thank you for sharing Becky with all of us at c-s.org.

Brandi (ZephyrBlue)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful daughter. She has touched so many lives. I am so sorry your family is going though this.
Ann (aeormsby)

Dyany said...

Oh Anne I'm so so sorry. May you find peace.

Jessi said...

Anne, your strength is amazing. I am so sorry for your loss. Becky is beautiful. RodentRanger

Jessica said...

Anne, she's perfect. Thank you so much for sharing her with us. You write beautifully. I can't fathom your pain or longing for your daughter. Know that you have a ton of people thinking of and praying for you and your family.
(Jess71903)

gojirama said...

I am keeping you all in prayer. Thank you for sharing Becky's life with us.

Michael Larsen said...

Thank you, Anne, for sharingn your story. There are not words to express my sorrow, but know that you are loved, that Becky is an angel in the arms of her Heavenly Father now, and you will see her again. this I promise you.

Tatiana said...

I'm so very sorry! My tears and my prayers join those of so many others for you and your family.

Amy littleangelfire said...

Thank you for sharing your story, and I pray it be a first step of many in your journey of healing. I pray you physically heal quickly. And I pray for God to wrap you and your family in his love and to provide for your earthly needs so you can just...be for a while.

Anonymous said...

Anne, she is such a beautiful girl. My heart is so heavy with sorrow for your loss, but I am awed by the love in your family, and the strength you have. Thank you for sharing your story and letting us experience some of the joy you received from Becky as well as some of the pain of only having her a short time.

My prayers will be with you and all your family. May you know comfort and peace from the Holy Spirit. It will be a long wait, but one day you will hold that precious child again. God bless.

Belle from Hatrack

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing your story and your beautiful perfect little girl. I was sobbing the whole time I was reading along. You truly have a way with words. My heart is breaking for you and your family. You will all continue to be in my thoughts and prayers.

Leah-zactayaus (c-s.org)

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Your narrative is beautifully written, and brought tears to our eyes. You and your family are in my prayers for healing in the upcoming days, weeks, months, and years. Becky will be back again, and as you said, you will know her when she comes. May you be embraced by your Higher Power.

Selena - sdelesie(at)gmail.com

Cinderill said...

I don't know you, I found you through Jenna's blog. I read your story and wept for you. My mothers-heart is broken for you. You will have your darling Becky again. She is yours for all eternity. I will pray for you to feel the healing comfort of our Savior. I have lost someone very dear to me and there is a change that happens. I had someone tell me that it would not get easier but that I would get used to it. I have. It will never be ok, but you will be. May you have the wisdom and guidance to help your other children with this. I wish I could do more for you. My prayer and thought are with you.

Your sister,
Cinderill

Anonymous said...

Anne, thinking of you and your family. She is a beautiful baby. I loved reading about the things she liked. Its amazing what personality they have even in the womb! Sending healing and peaceful thoughts to you.

Becky (bectoo2 c-s.org)

Anonymous said...

Anne, I had a difficult time reading your story through all of my tears, I cannot imagine how you were able to write about it. You are amazing to have such strength.

Becky is precious and I imagine her being a guardian angel now, watching over you and your beautiful family.

Marsha (msg221)

Anonymous said...

Anne, thank you for sharing this story with us. Becky is beautiful and always well be. I'm so sorry that this has happened to you and your family. My prayers are with you and your family. I hope your physical recovery is easy. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help you.

Tara (tl01)

tarynsmum said...

Thank you so much again for sharing Becky with us. I know our lives, like yours, will be changed in knowing her and her (your, our) story.

Your writing is beautiful. I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Anonymous said...

Anne-Becky is just absolutely beautiful. Your story was so honest and thank you for sharing it with us. It brought back memories for me that haven't surfaced for a while. I'm so happy that you got to hold your precious baby in your arms. That is one of my most bitter sweet memories of my son. Please know all of us are wrapping you in our arms and surrounding you with love. Becky is so loved by all of us.


Joanne aka fyr

Tara said...

Thank you for sharing your story Anne, I hope it helps in your healing. You're in my prayers. Becky's beautiful. *hugs*

Julie said...

She's so precious, and your story was so well told. I'm so sorry for your loss :(
Julie

laura said...

Thank you for sharing your story and your daughter. Now Rebecca Irene will live a little bit in my life, too.

Laura Andersen (bluestocking on Nauvoo)

Verla said...

Thank you for sharing. My heart aches for you, we are praying for you and your family. Becky is so beautiful.
~Verla Renae (Skitle1802)

Nicole said...

Your daughter is beautiful. I am so sorry for your loss. Your story is beautiful too. Thank you for sharing it.

Nicole
(formerly NicoleRL on BBC)

Dionne said...

Thank you for your courage in sharing Becky's story with us, Anne. My dearest wish is for you and your family to feel peace and God's love at this extremely difficult time.
-dianoia from nauvoo

Anonymous said...

Anne, I'm so sorry. Your story is so heartbreaking. I'm in awe of your testimony and your strength. Thank you for sharing them with us. And thank you, also, for sharing your beautiful daughter, Becky. You and your family continue to be in my prayers. I pray that you continue to feel the love we all feel for you and your family.

-Ann (Chex)

Anonymous said...

Thank you so much for sharing her with us. She is such a loved child. I cannot fathom your pain. You and your family will remain in my prayers.

-vamom

Lana said...

I commented on C-S.org, but wanted to show my support for you wherever I can during this time.

Blessed be, Anne and Becky.


-JB

Living My Dream said...

My heart is breaking for you. Thank you for sharing yoru story. Becky is so lucky to be loved by someone as wonderful as you. I will keep you in my prayers that you feel peace as you go through such a painful time and that you will feel the love of others right now to know that while you feel alone, we are all keeping you lifted in our prayers!

Kim

Kate said...

So beautifully written. She is gorgeous and I'm so sorry.

Daniele said...

I am so sorry for your loss Anne. Thank you so much for sharing Becky's story, and especially her picture. Your story brought back the memories of my own daughter's birth and death from a cord accident due to Amniotic Bands almost 8 years ago. You and your precious Becky will continue to be in my prayers.

Becky said...

My heart aches for you and your family, Anne. My own sister, just a day before you, was in a hospital with the same tragic outcome. My niece, Eden Hope, was born still on Dec. 20th. We mourn with you the loss of your sweet Becky. I'm so so sorry. I pray a loving Father will bring peace, comfort, and Hope to your sweet family.

Becky
(SmileyMama from BBC)

Jenna said...

She is beautiful, Anne. I am so sorry for your loss. How hearbreaking.

Jennabohenna from Babycenter

Joe said...

KQ--
I just found out today (Sunday, 26 DEC 2010). I don't know what to say. I guess that many people want to say something deep & profound, but I'm afraid that if I tried to do so at this point in time it would come out stupid. The Zoe family cares for you, KQ, and we are keeping you in our prayers.

Beau Zoe
(on behalf of the Zoe family)

Tami said...

KQ- I am so sorry for your loss. My mom worked in the nursery for many years and I mentioned your story to her. She says in a situation like that, you have 3 minutes. So, unless you are prepped and in the OR, by the time it happens, it is too late. Your doctor is not just comforting you on this. There was nothing more you could do. I wish there was something brilliant I could say to make things better.
scholarette from hatrack.

m0m22girlz said...

I can't even begin to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. Becky is beautiful. Thank you for sharing yoru story and her portrait. Sending prayers to you and your family. God Bless.....


Kim

Kecia said...

Anne - your courage, grace and eloquence under such horrendous circumstances is remarkable. Thank you for sharing Becky and her story with us. Yes, I sobbed through most of it but I'm grateful that you chose to share this part of your life, and hers, with us.

Anonymous said...

Anne,
Thank you for sharing Becky with us.
She is so beautiful. My heart aches for you and your family.
My thoughts are with you and your family.

_Jessica_ c-s.org

Anonymous said...

I'm saddened to hear of your loss. Tears in my eyes and prayers for your family.

Jason (aka mirkwood at navuoo)

Liz H. Allen said...

I am so, so sorry. There are so many of us going through this with you. You are never alone.

DDDayshIM said...

Oh Anne (and family), I'm so sorry this happened. Your daughter is beautiful, and I'm sure she's loving you from heaven.

Anonymous said...

Anne, the tears ran down my face as I read your brave yet tender story. Bless you, your family, and your beautiful baby girl. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
-ShumNum (c-s.org)

Shannon Blood said...

I am so very sorry. She is absolutely beautiful and perfect in that picture. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family during this time. Blessings. Shan (Hatrack)

Kat - Ruthie-dos.blogspot.com said...

I am so sorry for your family's loss... she was a beautiful baby.

you are all in my prayers

Anonymous said...

I am so sorry for your loss. Crying as I'm typing this. Becky is so beautiful. I pray for your emotional and physical recovery and for your family too.
BABYGIRLLYNDSEY (c-s.org)

Mean Mommy said...

I read your post, and one more person knows the story of your beautiful girl. I am sorry for your loss.

Shannon (Euphrasie)

Enjoy Birth said...

Becky is a beautiful baby girl. I am so sorry that your family experienced this unsurvivable crash and lost your sweet baby girl.

I wish you healing and peace and comfort. I am hugging my boys a bit tighter today.

Hugs,
Sheridan

Amy said...

You are very brave to share your story and speak so openly. Our prayers continue to be with you and the family.

Sarah Lou said...

She is a beautiful baby. Thank you for sharing.

scottneb said...

Thank you for sharing this. You are a strong person. My heart breaks for you.