Why am I writing this?

I honestly don't know.

I felt like I should write on my blog tonight. (It's been more than a month... again. Maybe I'm guilting myself, lol.)

Life goes on. We've had hot weather and icky colds. I went through a week of horrible side effects as I took the first step down on my dose of antidepressant (it turns out the one I'm on- which worked wonders for me when I needed it- is one of the absolute worst drugs to get off of. Horrible withdrawl.) I had such a bad migraine Thursday that my sister and mom took the kids for a few hours so I could try to sleep it off.

The week before that, we went to the beach with "Grandma Sheri." I stayed on the pier... I hate the beach. The kids loved it, until it was time to clean the sand off-- ick! And then they of course didn't want to go home, but we rode the Beach Bus and, well, didn't want to have to walk! ;)

Two weeks before that was our adventure in Hawaii. I feel like that should have its own post... but it probably won't! My album of Hawaii pics on Facebook is kind of a photojournal though if you're interested. I was really glad to get to spend a few days getting to know Mike, my friend Yvette's beloved, for a few days. He's really, really, really great. He reminds me of Jeff- can there be higher praise for a man? ;)

Overall, right now, my life feels... strange to me sometimes, but mostly good. I find it funny how after going through such a low place when we lost our Becky, I seem to have come out higher than I started. I feel better about myself. I feel better about my other kids. I feel better about being alive. I don't even know what to call that... it's just where I am. I almost feel like I should feel guilty for feeling that I am blessed by losing my daughter. But I'm not... I'm just blessed. I know that she loves me and that she knows I love her. I think I'm beginning to feel like she's here to bless my life- just away right now. And it will be a while til I see her but I know that's ok, she's in good hands...

It's hard to be reminded of her when it's not on my terms, though, still. I like to look at her pictures, sing songs she liked, touch what I've kept of her little clothes and the things that were lovingly made for her. But then they went and named a hurricane her middle name, the name I gave her because it symbolized such joy for me... Let's just say I'm not reading the news much right now.

It's so crazy to think that Bridget is a "kindergartener" this year. (She's 5... So she's not officially on the school paperwork, but she'll probably be learning to read some time in the next 9 months or so.) Maggie doesn't look at all like a baby any more. She definitely looks toddlerish. And Emma comes up with things that... Well, they remind me of me at her age, only deeper. 'Nuff said. :p

I still don't have the energy I want to. (Cannot WAIT to get off the BCP- found out when I took a week off in HI that it's causing a lot of this energy lag, etc.) My house is not clean (and, uh, probably never will be. :/ ) I'm not doing as much cooking as I should. But, I think I like our life, even as I think what it could have been... I like it. It's a good life. It's the best one we can make right now and so... it's good.

I don't really know what else to write. I think I'm out of things to say. Now THAT is an unusual occurrence!

Reno, due date, and heat wave

Yes, it's a dumb title. No, I don't feel like coming up with something else. :p

We went to Reno for Jeff's "Super Seminar" CE conference. He didn't take afternoon classes, so he was "home" at the hotel every day by 3:30. It was nice! We went swimming while there, went to their Planetarium (where we saw a pretty decent film about Saturn, and then Emma and I watched a truly EXCELLENT film called "Mysteries of the Nile" about white-water rafting from the source of the Nile all the way to the Mediterranian (Jeff was with Bridey and Maggie who were not up for another hour in the theater, though later Bridey wanted to come in-- oops, too bad. But maybe we can find it on Netflix or something because it was really good, I'd watch it again and I think Jeff would enjoy it!) Before we left we visited the Reno 1st Ward's Sacrament Meeting, and the Bishop there (whom Jeff had called earlier in the week) was so kind as to hunt out soy-free bread for the Sacrament so Maggie and I could take it. It was really wonderful how happy he was to help us!

The drive there and back, however, was NOT fun. It was hot. Our A/C didn't work at full capacity. And we passed through much stinky farm land, not fun at the best of times but abominable with my pregnancy-heightened super-smell and nausea. Also, on the way there I discovered that sitting in the same position in the car for 10 hours makes me swell up really badly right now. I moved around as much as possible, but it took 24 hours of lying around with my feet up to drain all that fluid from my legs! While in Reno, we found a maternity store where I could buy compression stockings. I wore them on the way back and they did help. Of course by the end of the drive back since my legs and feet couldn't swell, my HANDS started to instead! Ick.

This past Saturday I had an ultrasound to determine my due date (since my last period was in November...) I am a bit further along than I thought! My EDD is December 23! That means today, I am 12 weeks 4 days. Wow! We got a great shot, you can see facial features already! Hopefully I'll be able to get coverage and go to see my doctor SOON.

We had a nice cool overcast Saturday, but Sunday it burned off and yesterday was HOT. Today is shaping up to be the same. I have to say I prefer heat to cold-- but I am glad we have central air in the house we're in now, when things get bad! Last night I put some clothes on the line at 5:30. When Jeff brought them in at 8, they were all bone-dry already, even the jeans! Wow! Thankfully we're approaching the longest day of the year (also our wedding anniversary :) ) so soon it will start to get dark a wee bit earlier again (though that always seems to happen slower than the sudden way it seems to stay light so long!)

Hee hee hee, car seat FUN!

I'm so excited! I am now registered for a CPST Certification Course in San Diego May 4-8! I have been wanting to certify for quite a while and I'm so excited.

We will all go down there and the kids will have a vacation with Jeff while I take MY vacation taking the course. It will end at 5 each evening so we can do fun stuff in the evenings together if desired. And at the end of it I will (assuming all goes well) be a certified Child Passenger Safety Technician! I'm really thrilled because we have a real lack of technicians around here and I hope to be able to help a lot of parents. :)

Fun plans

We have many things coming up that look to be lots of fun (if we ever get over these colds...)

So not so much a real blog post as a list of stuff we'll be doing that I'm looking forward to.

-the Watermelon Festival is this weekend. That's always a blast!

-the weekend after, we're staying Friday night in a hotel in Costa Mesa. Jeff has a seminar he has to attend for work that Sat. at the Huntington Beach Hyatt Regency, and while that's too rich for our taste, we'll be close so he won't have to get up at 5:30 to get there. The place we're staying at is literally across the street from an IKEA, so we'll have a late checkout, and just sleep in our clothes, get up, and go spend about 3 or 4 hours at IKEA while Jeff goes to a boring seminar! We do so love IKEA. And sleeping away will kind of be like a mini-vacation, so fun! Jeff has that Friday off so we can do stuff that afternoon, too.

-when he gets out, we're going to his cousin's wedding reception in Pacific Palisades. Not only do we get to go to a wedding reception and see his cousin; that happens to be the building I was baptized in! It should be fun for me to go back, see if there's anyone still in the ward who remembers me! (Long shot-- it's been 7 years, and I've changed a lot!) Maybe I'll get a chance to show the family the font where I was baptized. That would be cool. Also, it's just plain beautiful there. :) Emma will love looking at the ocean. Hopefully Bridey will sleep in the car there. Now, I get to decide what we're all going to wear... (Well, what we're going to change into. Jeff will probably be the only one to wear what he's going to wear to the reception all day.)

-I get to buy a super-cool carseat! Jaden, our niece, just had her birthday. She turned 4, and she's outgrowing her carseat. So for her present, we're buying her a Britax Regent, which is just an incredibly awesome seat (we'll probably be buying one when we get a bigger car, for Emma, and when she's outgrown it Maggie will probably be ready for it, my long-torsoed girl... Do you know she has a TWELVE INCH torso already? :o ) Anyway, there's going to be a Britax sale soon, so we're getting this ASAP (when Jeff gets his bonus for getting his EA next paycheck-- oh, did I mention that came???) from Amazon, which has a 30 day price guarantee. Then when the price drops for the sale, I'll just call and get my refund. Simple! I even found a website that will track your Amazon items and notify you when the price drops. Awesome!

-I got a new swimsuit (from Land's End-- via On The Counter), and I get to try it out. I love having a pool. :) And I just ADORE their swimsuits. This is a "High-Neck Slender Swimsuit." Which is just how it sounds! Has a high neck, and slenderizes you. :D

And I'm sure there's more fun stuff that will happen too! But that's my top-five excitement list right as of this second. :)

So Long for Now

We're heading off to Vegas! Jeff is preparing for his EA exam and there is a seminar there (the one in L.A. was on Sat.-Sun., which is obviously a religious conflict. So his work, which is awesome, is paying for him-- and us-- to go to Vegas instead, where it is held Thurs.-Fri.)

I'll tell you all about it when we get back (we are staying at Circus Circus and meeting someone from the Nauvoo forums, both of which I am sure will be fun.) So so long until we get back!

We're back.

We're here, we're safe, I'm reading Harry Potter, which came to my aunt's while I was gone and I started late last night.

Sorry, blogging= not as important as finding out the end of Deathly Hallows.

Will write more later.

Having fun!

Hello from Tulsa! We're having lots of fun and went to the zoo yesterday. Pictures when I get back! The trip was rough but it was worth it. :D

Jeff, if you're reading this, shouldn't you be doing something else?

So Long Until Next Week

We're leaving for the airport in an hour and a half! We'll be back a week from today (plus a couple of hours.) I will be checking my e-mail once in a while while I'm gone, so if you need to contact me, you can e-mail or call my cell phone if you've got it.

Hooray!

Guess what?

I'm going to TULSA! To see my extra special friend and her extra special kiddos! Yaaaaay! *happy dance*

My aunt is helping to pay, so that we can go on the trip I had planned before Jeff lost his job and that I was so disappointed to lose out on. And we are going to stay almost a whole week! We're getting there around noon local time on the 18th and will be coming back in the afternoon of the 25th. And I'm just so excited! I don't even care that I will miss my husband and will be traveling alone with 2 kids (luckily they are good travelers, I don't really mind that.) I am gonna have SO MUCH FUN and I am gonna SEE MY FRIEND RAYANN! I haven't seen her in more than a year now-- almost 2?-- and I have missed her HORRIBLY. Much more than I have missed anyone else I moved away from, I think. We talk on the phone a lot but it is just not the same!

So yeah, I'm excited.

Our Trip, Part II: Phoenix

So when we got to Phoenix, we were all ready to get out of the car! We got in and said hi to everyone; my Aunt Helen and Uncle Harry, and they already had my Grandma Ronnie over. She is not allowed to drive any more after her brain incident (she can't remember what it's called and right now neither can I) and so they had picked her up and she stayed the entire time we were there (she wanted maximum time with her only great-granddaughters!)

I fed Bridey some cereal and carrots, then we had a very nice turkey dinner together, except Ems, who was still cranky from the lip-biting incident and wouldn't come to the table, and kind of hung out. She played with Legos during dinner. There was much baby-holding. Emma played the piano a bit. We all chatted a lot. Then everyone else had to go to bed, not being on California time or a weird sleep schedule. Bridget fussed a bit and had to be fed three times before she went down to sleep. Emma wanted to eat at midnight, and Jeff and I wanted a snack, too. We ate leftovers made into sandwiches (mmm, turkey dinner sandwich!) and ice cream and watched The Empire Strikes Back. When Ems was wound down, Jeff brushed her teeth and his and got her into bed, and then I spent some quality time with the toilet (*wince*), washed up, and brushed my teeth and climbed into bed myself. Emma had fallen asleep between the wall and Abba, so I actually got to cuddle with him, which was nice.

The next morning we SLEPT IN! Yeah! When we got up Helen graciously made us french toast, mmm, and even got peanut butter for Jeff to put on it, ick. But he was happy. We hung out a lot, Emma played outside (wearing her blue Superman t-shirt and red pants and socks and her red t-shirt on her back for a cape.) She loved the tetherball. And the lacrosse stick. And the laundry basket and basketball that Aunt Helen got out for her to play with. She watched Curious George and then went outside to play again, even though it was getting hot. I made some more cereal and carrots and let Grandma Ronnie feed them to Bridey. We warned Emma four times that we were going to Target, but she wanted to stay and play. We enjoyed ourselves going to Target alone, and of course when we went back Ems had had a fit that we were gone. She had finally settled into a grumpy but placated state watching Lady and the Tramp and eating a lollipop. (Bribery works wonders with that child...) We packed up the car and had dinner (Stouffer's Lasagna, one of my favorites! With garlic bread and green salad, as I told my aunt, "Just like my mom used to make!" *grin* ) Uncle Harry got home from work in time to say goodbye. We all got in the car and started driving. A quick stop for gas and we were on our way.

Since we hadn't really had our typical "Family Home Afternoon" the afternoon before, we decided to have FHE in the car. We decided this kind of in the middle of it. ;) Jeff was kind of being testimony-bearing-ish talking about things that have made him see the power of prayer, the power of the priesthood, the truth of the Gospel. We turned back a few times in our discussion to include Emma (she loves to talk about Heavenly Father and Jesus. Especially Jesus.) We stopped for a snack at Del Taco, then continued our discussion. A while later we needed to go to the bathroom, so we stopped at a rest stop (Arizona has WONDERFUL rest stops. They are clean, well-lit, well-maintained, have stocked, tidy vending machines, places to sit, places to walk... They're just really nice, their only shortcoming being the lack of toilet cover seats. But no one can have it all, right? ;) ) Emma decided to sit on the metal bar in front of the vending machines and fell backwards, hitting her head twice, hard. :( Poor kid. She was soothed by picking out Cheetos, snack mix (of which she wanted only the pretzels, but they didn't have just pretzels) and, after I got some Sour Skittles for Jeff, M&Ms. (There was something funky with the machine; instead of giving us 1 bag, it gave us 3! I looked for a number to call to tell them, but couldn't find one. Oh, well.) We then got back in the car, Emma fell asleep, and the really interesting stuff began.

You see, we've been feeling we need to have another child, sooner than we had thought. It started with me, but after praying, Jeff felt it, too. This is despite me not really WANTING another child yet. I can barely handle the two I've got. We'd almost certainly have to move, probably get a different car... I was worried that it was just my secret wants that I didn't know were there coming out, because usually I KNOW when something is coming to me through the Spirit. But after prayer, we thought this was right. But I was starting to think of a date, of starting to try sometime in January (trying for us means not using BC, and letting whatever happens happen.) I already knew I need to get my IUD out, I'm STILL having pain from it, I just haven't been able to get in to the doctor. But I just haven't been sure. Jeff has been afraid to pray about that date, afraid of what answer he would get. I was reminded by someone on one of my forums that the righteous believers are allowed to ask for a sign. So I told Jeff this. He being the one who was the most unsure, I figured that if a sign came to him, it would be for real. So he prayed, and he said that he hated to bother Heavenly Father with this, but we were still unsure, and if it wasn't too much, could he please have a sign? Could he see something like a shooting star going across his field of vision (he was pretty specific in picturing it?)

So we started watching. At the moment he was looking at traffic, I saw five shooting stars go across the sky in rapid succession, right where he had shown me he had pictured them. He wasn't sure, so he watched some more. He thought he saw something out of the corner of his eye, but then was still unsure. So he prayed again. He said, "Heavenly Father, I'm really sorry. I'm just still unsure. Can I have something brighter, if that was the sign?" After the prayer was finished, there was silence as we scanned the sky. All of a sudden, he said, "What was that?" "What?" I asked. "That! Did you see that?" "That airplane that I have been watching for five minutes?" "You've been watching for five minutes? Did you see it just glow very brightly?" "No."

Apparently, the airplane that had been moving across our field of vision for quite a while had just glowed very brightly-- only for him. He felt a confirmation that this had been sent by Heavenly Father. This was what he had asked for. Heavenly Father changed his perception so that he would KNOW the sign when he saw it. And so we knew.

So in January or February, it looks like we will be abandoning all efforts at birth control.

I just don't know what I'm going to say to my family when I get pregnant. They all know I don't want another so soon, how am I supposed to explain that it was planned?

Our Trip, Part I: Flagstaff

So we started off at 3:40 in the morning, and drove to Flagstaff. We got in about 11 local time. Although check-in at the Holiday Inn Express, where we stayed, wasn't until 3, our room was ready so we got to check in early. It was a very nice room-- there was a king bed, a sofa bed which we later unfolded for Emma to use, and they had left the crib we requested outside the door. It was easy to set up, sturdy and safe, clean, and fit right between our bed and the wall, perfect! And since when we booked through the company's website we joined the Priority Club, besides expedited check in/out, they had left a special welcome sheet and two bottles of water and two bags of chips for us. Cool! Also, they've changed the bedding since last time I stayed at a Holiday Inn; they've switched from those itchy ugly bedspreads to duvet inserts in a high-count cotton cover that's white, same as the sheets. It's more attractive and ENDLESSLY more comfy, especially when you just lay on top of it, as we ended up doing (they had a very efficient heater.)

Once we got everything situated, we changed into swimwear and went down to the indoor/outdoor pool. Nice! It was Bridget's first time swimming (we used to take Emma a lot when we lived in a complex with a pool, but it has been a while and I'm unsure if she remembered ever going before, but she seemed to enjoy it) and after a little adjustment, she seemed to have fun. We swam for as long as the girls stayed warm, then Jeff took them up while I got some alone time. Swimming is one of the best things ever for my sore back and I hardly ever get to do it, so it was a real treat to be able to do it there. I spent some time in the whirlpool, too, before I went up.

We then went to lunch, to the mall, where Emma played on the equipment, which she loves, and I shopped (I found some discounted Superman shirts for Ems and some pants and some socks and tights for the girls, as well as some dress socks for Jeff. Everyone was having sales but Dillard's; unfortunately I had just missed theirs.)

Then we headed over to my almost-step-sister's and her husband's. I took my allergy medication in the car because they have a dog. They had also vacuumed and washed everything, which was very thoughtful of them and made my allergy medication much more effective. We had a wonderful time with them. Jeff took a nap on their couch, which they didn't mind, and Craig cooked. Emma loved the food. She REALLY loved the food. She's a fan of simple but elegant meals, and the barbecued chicken, baked potatoes, steamed carrots, and Cesar salad really hit the spot for her, apparently. She also liked the dog and cat (Bridey, having just had some bad experiences with barking dogs, took a while longer to get used to Pandora.) We had a great visit and a wonderful time. We love Jilly and Craig and it's always great to see them. Emma even opened up enough to sing all her songs for them at the end of our visit. And she loved feeding chicken to the dog.

We then went back to the hotel and to bed. Unfortunately I developed a killer headache. After I ironed the clothes for church the next day and the kids were bathed and down, I took a bath. Emma laid down with Jeff on the couch bed and went right out, which surprised us all, but was wonderful.

The next morning we went down to breakfast. (I'm nursing and Emma is a toddler, so we don't fast; Jeff prayerfully considered whether or not to fast on a day when we would be driving another two or so hours immediately after church, and decided against it. I agreed that this was a good choice, knowing his body chemistry and physiology.) Emma had a fit about getting up and dressed, and carried that over into breakfast. She cried because her banana broke, and when a lady at the next table gave us one her kids had taken but not eaten (we had taken the last banana), cried because it had a black spot. I cut it out and she cried because I cut her banana. So finally, I "fixed" the banana by gluing the piece back on with cream cheese (I was having a bagel and cream cheese.) She ate it and decided she liked it-- so she made me "fix" it "gain". I cut a piece from the other banana. After about three repetitions of this, I decided we would be there all day if it kept on. So I took her banana, split it in half (risking more tears), and spread cream cheese all down the middle, then put it back together, which she accepted once she tasted it. She also ate 1/2 of a huge cinnamon roll and two bowls of Fruit Loop-type cereal with milk. Ay.

We got everything in the car but then got lost and couldn't find the church building. We called Jill, who directed us to a different one, the stake center, which is under construction. Luckily they had a family ward that was also starting at 11; we made it in time to walk in and sit down with just a few minutes to spare. They had THREE baby blessings, and then the testimonies began. Now, not to criticize, but I was wondering if their bishop was new, because at least half of the testimonies were from kids. Including some two-year-olds. Did they not get the letter about that? It's periodically read in our ward, and having now witnessed the reason it was probably written, I can see the difference. Not that the kids weren't cute, or even that I'm denying that they have a testimony. But to hear the same exact things from five little boys in a row does reduce the spirit of the meeting just a bit. On the other hand, the reason this is allowed may be because everyone else seemed pretty reluctant to bear their testimonies. But other than that, it was a very nice ward, if HUGE. There were two or three women there who were grandmothers, I think. Everyone else was young couples with kids! I don't usually bear my testimony while visiting another ward, but I felt that someone might need to hear what I had to say so I did. It was actually cathartic to say things that have been going on in my life that I probably wouldn't be able to share in my own ward. I was very proud of Emma because she was having trouble in Sacrament meeting and asked Abba for a time out. (We don't use time-out as punishment, but as a cool-down period, so she feels free to ask for it when she needs it.) It was much better than having a meltdown in church.

Like I said, it was a very nice ward, but... I dunno, they didn't seem very, well, deep. Or involved in the discussions. Maybe it's all the exhausted parents with young kids. But Sunday School and RS were just not on the level I was used to. I did enjoy it, though, and it was nice to visit another ward and building and see how the organization of the Church works elsewhere. And did I say they were nice? They were very nice.

Their nursery is huge. They had three rooms and rotated groups through. I was happy to see that Emma went to a different nursery without any qualms whatsoever. She is growing up so much! Unfortunately they were a bit understaffed and the group Ems was in had some rowdy boys apparently; they were running around and knocked her into a table and she bit her lip. She was taken to Abba and when I got out that awaited me. She was okay once we got her Bert jacket (from Halloween, one of her favorite things to wear right now) on, gave her a Superman toy, and gave her a chocolate muffin, though. Jeff had mostly stopped the bleeding by the time I got out.

So then we drove down to Phoenix. Next up: Part II: Phoenix.

Home safe.

Very tired. Had fun. Off to bed now. Will post more soon.

As Tigger Would Say, TTFN...

...we're about to leave on vacation, I'll see you all in three days! (ish.)

Awwww. How cute.

We went to Goleta, north of Santa Barbara, this weekend, and stayed with my great-aunt. We also saw my second cousin and his wife and one of my second cousins once removed.

Anyway, we got back tonight, and Bridget was fussy because she wanted to sleep but had some gas in her tummy. So after she was finished nursing and trying to burp, she was fussing a little. Ems brought her a pacifier and sang her a little song, with a tune and words of her own devising:

"Oh, Baby, shhh.
Here go, paci.
Yeah, Emma love Baby.
Shhh, soon night-night."

It was so sweet, I almost wanted to cry.