Life in the Ketchup Bottle

No, I haven't posted in a long time.

2012-01-22T19:17:00.000-08:00

This is because I suck at blogging. :p

We had a very eventful Christmas (our next door neighbor's house burned.) I don't really want to write about it.

We had a very eventful week after Christmas (we went to Solvang, stayed in a cabin, and I cooked Jeff's birthday dinner in a cabin, with all the windows open, and a wet towel over the smoke detector to keep it from going off constantly. I don't really feel like writing about that either right now, though I may or may not upload pictures at some point and if I do I may or may not post them here or elsewhere. It was an overall good trip though.)

We've been sick on and off, as we usually are all winter, but also with allergies- man, ashes are baaaaaad for allergies. Can't even go outside in the back yard until they finish rebuilding the fence so there's a physical barrier between us and the ash- and I'm not sure about then, until they finish cleanup on the lot.

I want to be more active, but... haven't yet.

So basically, I'm still here, we all are, we're just... being right now. Doing stuff. Went to the Baby and Kidz Expo (wincing at the z there, but that's what it's called); had fun. Tax season, Jeff stays late; not as fun. It's life. We're living it. I have no deep thoughts right now, or anything I feel like I want to write about. But hey! I'm posting! Ha.

Clek Giveaway!

2011-12-06T22:41:00.000-08:00

I love my Clek Oobrs (though Emma needs a little leg support when using them, they're still fantastic in so many ways!) Clek is a fantastic company, too, and boy am I anticipating their convertible, the Foonf! TheBabyGuyNYC is giving away 4 Oobrs and 3 Ollis, and all you have to do to enter is go read his post here and post to enter! Check it out. :)

In Gratitude and Rememberance

2011-11-21T00:01:00.000-08:00

Eleven months.

Today marks 11 months since Becky joined and left our family at the same instant, without a breath or a cry.

It's almost a year. It's been a long 11 months. It's been a HARD 11 months. But in that time, I have seen some of the purpose in Becky's life being so short; I have learned a lot from her.

It's the time of year for Christmas music. Last year Annie Lennox released a new Christmas album. Becky LOVED it. It was her very favorite thing to listen to (though she also liked Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog, and the Wiggles, this was the number one dance album for her.) This was one of her favorite songs on the album. It's a cool video too, so I'd like to share it with you as I remember her.

Becky left me with a lot of happy memories of the time I had with her, even if it was all in-utero (well, at least most of it. I know she has been with me since then too, but... in different ways.)

She also saved my life, and possibly her sisters'. You see, if I had never been pregnant with her, or had miscarried early on, we would still have been driving our Corolla when we were in our crash. And if she had lived, she would have been in the second row, and me in front on that trip. As it was, we all survived with minor injuries (well, except Maggie, who was completely uninjured becasue she was rear-facing and was protected by that.)

I believe so strongly that she knew what had to happen, and that she made this choice. The only time we could have known exactly what was wrong was during our follow-up high-level ultrasound with Dr. Devore. She was active before and after the ultrasound. During, she took a nap. The knot in her cord was behind her. They poked and prodded and tried to get her to move so they could see the back of the cord, but she just wouldn't. She just didn't move. In the end, they concluded that something was "off" a bit with the cord flow, but since she was growing (she'd jumped from the 15th to the 60th percentile), they were thinking it was okay. If she had moved away, if they had seen the knot behind her, she would have been born by scheduled c-section or emergency c-section if I went into labor. I'd have been upset by that, sure, but I'd have had time to come to terms with it and she would have almost certainly been born healthy. But because of her choice, her actions- it didn't happen that way. And so, because she stayed still when she needed to and did that flip that tightened the knot when she had to, she died just as she was born, and saved me.

Why would she do this? I can only guess that it's because it was necessary for me to stay here. I have work to do. Part of that work is advocating for child passenger safety. I'm a Child Passenger Safety Technician, and have been for about two and a half years now; I'm also currently on the board of Safety Belt Safe USA, an organization which provides education for techs and parents as well as advocating on the state and federal level for improvements in standards, laws, and policies regarding child passenger safety and occupant protection, and advocating for proper use in the media.

I have felt called to this work since I kind of "fell into" it. I have felt like I've found the work I'm meant to do, at least in part. And I feel that Becky's sacrifice for us was in part so that I can continue it- so that, through continued advocacy, spreading the lessons our crash story can teach, and the work I can do to help Safety Belt Safe in their mission, other mamas' babies will be saved.

So in that spirit I'd like to ask three things of you in the next month if you are reading this and care to, to commemorate Becky's life and help me express my gratitude for her gift to us of how she joined our family. They are:

1. Please make sure the children in your care, or those you care for who are in the care of those you can reach with this message (family, friends) are riding as safely as possible in the car. (Let me know if you need information on what that means or how to accomplish it!)

2. Please share my crash story in the link above (there's a brochure ready to print) with at least one person who has a child 12 or under riding in his or her car on a regular basis. This can be via Facebook, email, or by printing out the brochure and handing it to someone.

3. I know budgets are tight, especially this time of year, so this one's the hard one to ask for. If you have a few dollars to spare, even $1, and would like to make a donation in Becky's memory, please consider making a (tax-deductible) donation to Safety Belt Safe. If you go to their website there is a button that says "Make a Donation." Click and a button will pop up. Enter the amount you wish to donate and click "Update Total." Then log in to your paypal account. On the next page, click the button that says "add additional instructions." If you'd like to make your donation in honor of Becky, please write "In memory of " (or "in honor of") "Becky Hamilton." These donations, as a group, will be acknowledged and a little blurb placed in her honor in the January issue of the Safety Belt Safe newsletter. You can also make a donation by check or money order by sending to
SafetyBeltSafe U.S.A., Box 553, Altadena, CA 91003 with a note stating that it is in honor of Becky.

Whether you do any of these things or not, I appreciate your love and support. It would mean a lot to me if you are willing to do any or all of these things for me in memory of Becky, though. Thank you for your friendship.

More bad poetry

2011-10-25T17:24:00.000-07:00

(Actually there's a tune running through my head for it. So perhaps it's a poorly written song as much as bad poetry.)

The Clouds

On dreary days, when all the world is grey and dark,
And in the air there hangs the taste of woe,
I sometimes think that there's no feeble little spark
That can dispel the clouds that gloomier grow.
And when I think on losses hard and heavy,
Sometimes I wonder why I must endure;
But I remember that my Father levies
Only that which my triumph will procure.

Well do I know my Savior bore my anguish
And that He bore my burden hard for me
So I'll not low in sorrow pine and languish
But stop to pray and thus make myself free.
Then I'll recall the joys that I now live with,
And the delight I had with those now gone,
Thus will I scrape the sorrow down to find the pith
Of joy that bears me up as I march on.

Bathing Becky

2011-09-25T16:27:00.000-07:00

A friend linked this story (warning: it's about being there at the death of a friend) on someone's blog in a thread on a forum I'm on. The mindfulness of the moment, the sense of it being her job, something about it reminded me powerfully of when my mom came, to be with me and help me get ready while Becky was photographed.

She was covered in meconium. The nurses had given her a quick wipe but then just wrapped her up, not washed her except her face, because they didn't know how soon we would want her. It was the first time I had noticed this, even though I had held her all night, because I had been clinging to her so hard I hadn't even thought to unwrap her.

So my mom went and got a wash basin from the nurses, and some soft washcloths. And she filled it with warm water, and we washed Becky. We first washed her arms, little fingers, carefully cleaning the fingernails and being very, very gentle so as not to bruise her skin. Being careful not to tip her over onto her face, because I had found overnight that her body was already breaking down, and bloody liquid of a nature I didn't want to really think about would ooze from her nose if we did. Then she got some soap and we washed her hair. I reminded my mom that she has been the first one to wash each of my babies' hair, that she is the one who taught me to wash Emma's hair, cradling her over the sink, holding a washcloth over her forehead while pouring water with a cup over the sink to rinse it without getting the shampoo in her eyes. She is the one who first scrubbed cradle cap off Bridget's scalp with me and washed her hair, which was curly and reddish (it isn't any more.) She gave Maggie her first hair wash, too, when she had a diaper blowout at her house that got into her hair. And now she was washing Becky's hair with me. Gently, gently, being so careful of the fontanelle.

We cleaned the folds of her ears too. She has ears like me. I reminded my mom how she had remarked that all our ears are "complicated." I laughed, gently, as if the sound would break her skin too, or possibly just our emotions. I almost felt as if I was not supposed to feel like laughing. But at the same time I knew- yes, I had lost my beloved child, but that did not mean the world was devoid of laughter. She wouldn't want it to have meant that, and I didn't either. My life had changed but it wasn't over yet. Laughter and love go hand in hand.

We wiped her legs and feet. We washed between her toes as well as we could without hurting her- no, she couldn't feel it, but neither of us wanted to hurt her body anyway. We washed her little bottom, and wrapped it in a bit of gauze; she had no diaper, but we wanted to be sure nothing would leak out and mar her dress.

We put her dress on. Her pretty Christmas dress, the one that matched her sisters' (exact match with Bridget's, coordinating with Emma's and Maggie's.) The dress I had bought just in case she came before Christmas. The dress I had planned to put her in for portraits as a family and with her sisters, in their matching dresses. The dress I had stalked ebay for, feeling such joy when I got such good prices on all the dresses. Her arms were stiffer than a newborn's usually are, and yet she did not fight. It was strange how we had to fight her in, but there was no screaming like babies usually make when they get dressed. Almost a cognitive dissonance to dress her and not hear screaming. As we pulled the dress over her head my mom turned it sideways- she knew from experience with my girls (and remarked upon it) that it wouldn't fit without turning it, they get such long heads from Jeff. Maggie was the only one whose head wasn't quite so disproportionately brachiocephalic as a baby. I buttoned the buttons at the neck. She did not hold her head up as we dressed her. It was hard to think that she would never use those strong neck muscles, which I could see were just as unusually strong as the other girls' had been at birth, to look around at me, at her Abba, at Grandma, at a sister.

We put the bow on her head, the bow I had bought in a multi-pack at Target the day I saw it, a bit before Thanksgiving, because I had already bought the Christmas dresses, and the bow headbands for her sisters from Gymboree, and I knew this would perfectly complement her dress and coordinate with theirs. I have used bow headbands with all my girls since Bridget, but usually smaller bows- this was the biggest baby bow I had ever bought, and it was huge on her tiny head. It was flashy and bright and screamed "look at me!" As I put it on I thought of the irony- that bow that I had bought to elicit oohs and aahs from all my baby-loving friends and family would not be worn out to church, to family gatherings, to Christmas dinner. Instead, it would be photographed, and then it would lie in her coffin. I didn't want to think about what would happen to it after that. It was enough that for now, she looked beautiful, and that she got to wear it. It was so important to me that she wear that dress; most of the clothes I had washed and ready for her were ones her sisters had worn, or that I had picked up at the thrift store here and there "for the next baby" and not specifically for HER. This dress and headband were bought just for her. Just for my Becky, after she had a name. One of a set of four, the only single outfit, other than the outfit to go home in that I had bought only for her that was newborn-sized. The most special dress that I had spent hours deliberating over and shopping for. This was the outfit I had chosen with love, and now it was wrapping her cold little body, the warm fleece soft against my skin, my love wrapped around her, my mom helping me dress her.

My mom asked if I knew what color her eyes were. I didn't. I didn't look and I didn't want to. She was born asleep, her eyes closed, her heart done beating when the cord was cut, no energy to ever open them again. I wanted to leave her with that peace, and leave peace in my heart, not open her eyes and see them without life behind them, or risk bruising the delicate, purple-veined eyelids. I'm sure they were blue-grey; all my babies have had blue-grey eyes of various shades. I didn't need to disturb her to know the color. My mom agreed. Perhaps they were more blue than grey, as she was my blondest baby yet, with the sparsest hair. My mom said her hair was just like mine when I was born; it would have been curly, very curly, as it grew out.

And then we took photographs. Once we were done we wrapped her back up. She had to go down to the morgue. No one ever said morgue. They just said that it was time to take her downstairs, and that we could hold her again later before she left. They didn't say before the hearse came to pick her up but that is what they meant. And they meant morgue. I almost wished they would say morgue. They were trying to be gentle but I know what a morgue is. I know that they refrigerate bodies so they don't deteriorate as fast. I knew they would put my baby in a metal tray in the refrigerated wall. I hoped they would leave her in her bassinet, the bassinet that someone had made up for a living baby and which held her body instead, instead of putting her directly on the cold hard metal. But I didn't ask. I knew the nurses I was talking to were not the technicians who would be responsible, so I felt I shouldn't put my wants onto them. And I winced as the nurse tenderly, lovingly laid a blanket over her bassinet before wheeling her down the hall to be handed off to the assistant who would take her to the morgue. But I didn't say anything. I recognized, even in my grief and my outrage that she had to be hidden from view, covered, just to walk down the hall where babies were wheeled down all the time, that the sight of her might upset other mothers, and that I didn't really want to do that. No, it wasn't fair that my baby was dead and theirs were alive, but it was how it was.

That's the thing about Becky. That's the blessing of her life, the blessing she gave me. She is a teacher. That is her mission, I feel that so strongly. In saving my life in our crash, by her refusal to let us see the knot in her cord, by joining our family knowing that she would never get to meet us until our mortal lives are done so that the greater purpose could be served, she gave me the opportunity to teach, to spread the story in ways that may well save other mommies' babies' lives. And she's taught me more compassion. I like to think I was not devoid of it before, but in my grief, even in those first few days, I knew that MY wants and needs were not all that mattered. That I was not alone, not isolated. I knew that I was part of a long experience of the human race, death and life, in a way that I had never felt before. She gave me that. She has taught me to love better, forgive more readily, enjoy my life, be more patient, and find friendship, love, comfort of the Holy Ghost and strength even when my world may be crashing down around me. She's taught me that I can live through my greatest fears. And I know that she's got more to teach. That's my Becky. And one day I'll tell her how glad I am that she's my daughter, and how proud I am of her, face to face.

Counting Blessings

2011-09-14T01:16:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling blessed tonight. So, I'm counting my blessings.

Jeff, who is being pretty incredible lately (not that he isn't always.) Three girls with me to make me laugh and smile. Becky looking out for us as she waits for us to join her.

A big comfortable house to live in. Enough food to thrive on. A fairly healthy body that should be able to safely bring more babies to our family to bless us. A doctor who supports that desire and will help me do that the way I want to.

A family that doesn't judge or chastise but just lovingly supports even when I'm not at my best. Friends who love me for who I am and give of themselves in ways I'd never ask.

Faith that even though I'm not good enough, that gap between the self I am and the self I can be will be bridged by grace, and my efforts will be helped. Love, lots of love. Divine love, familial love, true, deep love from Jeff, love of friends.

Opportunities to make a difference, to help change things for the better for others. Wonderful discussions with others who share the same work.

A brain capable of learning and deciding to do things better every day. A mouth capable of talking to teach and share with others. Eyes that can see beauty all around me. Ears to hear music, music that can touch me.

Life. I love life. Faith to not fear death. Peace in my heart knowing that those I love who pass out of life are safe.

So much I can't even write it all. Love, love, love, at the center of it all.

Why am I writing this?

2011-08-28T02:47:00.000-07:00

I honestly don't know.

I felt like I should write on my blog tonight. (It's been more than a month... again. Maybe I'm guilting myself, lol.)

Life goes on. We've had hot weather and icky colds. I went through a week of horrible side effects as I took the first step down on my dose of antidepressant (it turns out the one I'm on- which worked wonders for me when I needed it- is one of the absolute worst drugs to get off of. Horrible withdrawl.) I had such a bad migraine Thursday that my sister and mom took the kids for a few hours so I could try to sleep it off.

The week before that, we went to the beach with "Grandma Sheri." I stayed on the pier... I hate the beach. The kids loved it, until it was time to clean the sand off-- ick! And then they of course didn't want to go home, but we rode the Beach Bus and, well, didn't want to have to walk! ;)

Two weeks before that was our adventure in Hawaii. I feel like that should have its own post... but it probably won't! My album of Hawaii pics on Facebook is kind of a photojournal though if you're interested. I was really glad to get to spend a few days getting to know Mike, my friend Yvette's beloved, for a few days. He's really, really, really great. He reminds me of Jeff- can there be higher praise for a man? ;)

Overall, right now, my life feels... strange to me sometimes, but mostly good. I find it funny how after going through such a low place when we lost our Becky, I seem to have come out higher than I started. I feel better about myself. I feel better about my other kids. I feel better about being alive. I don't even know what to call that... it's just where I am. I almost feel like I should feel guilty for feeling that I am blessed by losing my daughter. But I'm not... I'm just blessed. I know that she loves me and that she knows I love her. I think I'm beginning to feel like she's here to bless my life- just away right now. And it will be a while til I see her but I know that's ok, she's in good hands...

It's hard to be reminded of her when it's not on my terms, though, still. I like to look at her pictures, sing songs she liked, touch what I've kept of her little clothes and the things that were lovingly made for her. But then they went and named a hurricane her middle name, the name I gave her because it symbolized such joy for me... Let's just say I'm not reading the news much right now.

It's so crazy to think that Bridget is a "kindergartener" this year. (She's 5... So she's not officially on the school paperwork, but she'll probably be learning to read some time in the next 9 months or so.) Maggie doesn't look at all like a baby any more. She definitely looks toddlerish. And Emma comes up with things that... Well, they remind me of me at her age, only deeper. 'Nuff said. :p

I still don't have the energy I want to. (Cannot WAIT to get off the BCP- found out when I took a week off in HI that it's causing a lot of this energy lag, etc.) My house is not clean (and, uh, probably never will be. :/ ) I'm not doing as much cooking as I should. But, I think I like our life, even as I think what it could have been... I like it. It's a good life. It's the best one we can make right now and so... it's good.

I don't really know what else to write. I think I'm out of things to say. Now THAT is an unusual occurrence!

I sometimes wonder how I ended up so strange.

2011-07-18T03:31:00.000-07:00

Not that strange is necessarily bad. I just... wonder sometimes. Is it mostly genetic? Is it mostly because of the family I was raised in? (I know that's a big chunk of it, but how much?) Is some of it just who I am?

My kids were each born, very obviously, with their own personalities. But they also have genetic traits, for sure. And then there are the things I work hard to foster in them. It's so funny to see how each little baby is such a different personality, and such a different person in terms of needs, likes, dislikes, wants. I think about Becky now and then and wonder what she would like and dislike. She'd be old enough to be grabbing for foods now. She'd be sitting up, smiling, laughing. Crawling around and getting into things... But what would be her favorite games? Foods? Ah, well. I know, no matter what, she knows I love her.

Sometimes we get to do the things we're really interested in, the things we love, the things we're good at. I'm excited for Pioneer Day; this weekend is the stake picnic, and I'll get to not only dress up (yaaaay! I love to dress up!) but also sing with my dad. The stake asked for musical entertainment, so we'll be giving them a (very) brief survey of popular music of the mid to late 19th century, things the pioneers would have known and sung. We'll be doing Aura Lee (one of the love ballads that was so popular), The Campbells are Coming (part of the Scottish cultural revival that also touched the US people), Gentle Annie (a Stephen Foster great, of course he was probably the great songwriter of the era, if one were to choose), and Bringing in the Sheaves (a popular gospel-song type hymn.) This is something I adore. A chance to sing period music, with my dad, in costume? You can bet I jumped on that...

Then, the week after that, we're going to Hawaii. By "we," I mean me, and the girls. Jeff is staying home and boy is he excited to get a little time to himself... But the funny thing is, I have no desire to go to Hawaii, per se. I'm excited to go to my friend's wedding (which is why we're going), and you can bet I will be taking advantage of historical and cultural opportunities while we're there, but I abhor sand, have a fear of volcanoes, and a huge phobia of flying over water. What am I most excited about during the trip, other than my friend's wedding? (Oh, and meeting her? That's right, we've known each other 10 years online and never met in person... did I mention that? :p ) The child restraints... I get to use some neat ones. Ride Safer Travel Vests for Bridget and Maggie BubbleBum booster for Emma, and a borrowed CARES harness for Maggie on the planes... Yes, this is the part I'm most excited about.

But really, it's not a bad thing that I'm passionate about safety, even excited about it. It's not bad that I love history. Or that I love singing. That I love old music which was for the most part (ok, let's not mention the bawdy Irish songs and military and drinking ballads :p) were much less filled with cussing and abuse of women and blatant nastiness and sexuality than the music of today. That I love sharing these loves with others. No, not a bad thing. Just makes you wonder sometimes how it all happens. How it all starts. It's one of the most fascinating topics to think about for me. But I know no matter what, I will be proud of the cool things my girls end up interested in, and how great they are at learning about/doing them, whatever they may be. And I'm sure as I daydream into the future, I can't guess what even a portion of those interests will be some day- but I know, because I know my girls, I'll be happy with them.

Charlie Banana Diaper Giveaway: Go Enter!

2011-06-22T14:18:00.000-07:00

Mothering Magazine is doing a cool giveaway on their blog! These diapers look neat, go check it out!

http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/giveaways/enter-to-win-a-pack-of-cloth-diapers-from-charlie-banana/comment-page-4#comment-22636

Being Part of Something Big

2011-06-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

I meant to post yesterday about the plight of Habiba and Alma as we staged our own little demonstration at the park yesterday. Thankfully, this morning we found out they were reunited! But I'd still like to write about what we did yesterday.

Yesterday, the kids and I "marched" to the park, set up a sign, and sat for an hour and a half singing lullabies and handing out flyers in a peaceful demonstration on behalf of Habiba and Alma (the flyers asked people to contact the Spanish Consulate in L.A. and tell them that we wanted them reunited.) We scheduled it at 2 PM, the time set for demonstrations/lullaby sings all over the world yesterday. We passed out 6 flyers; not, you might think, that big of a contribution. But that wasn't the important part to me. The important part, for me, was teaching my kids that this is what we do. When we see injustice, we stand up for people in trouble. We organize. We protest.

On the way to the park, we had a great talk about the American civil rights movement. We talked about Martin Luther King, Jr. We talked about Ghandi. I mentioned Cesar Chavez too, I think. And we talked about the meaning of "non-violent demonstration" and why non-violence. We talked about what Jesus taught us about how to treat people who hurt us. We talked about doing what is right no matter the consequences to yourself. And we talked about why we would be singing that day.

This was a lesson for my children that we put our actions where our words and our hearts are. We stand up for those who are treated unfairly. We are part of something bigger- we are part of a city, a state, a nation, but also part of a world full of human beings just like us, and all of them deserve to be treated fairly, and to have their basic rights respected. When there is a wrong to one human being it is a wrong to all of humanity, and we must stand up and say "this is wrong." Not hurting anyone by doing so, but peacefully saying "We will not stand for this."

That is what I learned when I asked my dad what we could do when we heard the news of the massacre at Tiananmen Square on NPR when I was 6, and he said we could go join a peaceful demonstration. That is what I learned as we stood outside the Chinese Consulate that weekend with a crowd of other people who also would not stand for that wrong. That is what I learned as my 3 year old brother and I sang with the crowd "We Shall Overcome" that day. And that is what I hoped to teach my children as we sang "We Shall Overcome" along with many, many lullabies yesterday.

In the words of the song,

We are not alone,
We are not alone,
We are not alone today!
Oh, deep in my heart,
I do believe that
We shall overcome some day.

We were not alone, we are part of a global community that protested this wrong and celebrates the reunion and, hopefully, will continue to fight injustice together. I do believe that if we can keep on this path, individual humans uniting into a larger force of peaceful strength for other individual humans who are wronged, some day we can overcome injustice. Some day, we shall overcome the wrongs of the world, and it is through peace, not violence, that will happen. The lesson I learned as a child is the lesson I hope to teach my own children- change comes through working together and non-violence, hurting others is not the way to enact change. I pray that I can help them learn that. I think that yesterday was a good start.

Waiting For You

2011-06-05T20:02:00.000-07:00

I'm not a patient waiter.
I was never one to sit quietly and wait my turn,
To find a pleasant way to pass the time,
I have turned back because the line's too long, often.
I was waiting for you for a year, for it to be the right time for you to come.
Then I waited months more, learning to be patient,
Not impatient as I had been before,
Learning to tame my mind,
To calm my thoughts,
To wait for you to come
Patiently.
I thought I was getting better at it.
And as soon as you came you were gone
And now I have to wait again.
I have to learn to walk without you
I have to learn to laugh without you
I have to learn to sleep without you
I have to learn to BE without you.
Even when you're here, I can't know.
Even if you are busy, I can't see.
Even though it was time, I can't count
Each minute
Each breath
Each smile
Each tear
Each song
With you.
I have to wait
And I
Hate
To wait.
But you're worth it
And so I'll spend the rest of my life
Waiting for you.

Wow.

2011-05-24T22:59:00.000-07:00

It's been a while hasn't it? I didn't realize how long it's been since I blogged...

I've been busy. Busy, busy, busy, seems like we've been DOING for two months straight. April is always super-busy for us and with Bridey's broken leg was more so this year. We spent several weeks at my mom's house, then came home just in time to get ready for Easter and birthdays and... Yeah. While at my mom's house we had lots of help, which is good as for 2 weeks I could not lift and Bridey could not bear weight. The Relief Society stepped up and I also had help from family, friends, and even my family's friends-- my sisters' friend's mom came and helped us several days (and gained the girls' undying love by making cupcakes with them and making them princess outfits out of tissue paper and ribbon and tape...)

Right before the end of tax season (which was 3 days late this year) I worked a check at the Petersen Auto Museum with SafetyBeltSafe, and we got a "Safety Belt Saved" award. The coolest part of this for me was my button. I keep it on my purse. It's teh awesome.

Here is a picture of the girls in their Easter dresses, as is tradition all matchy and adorable:

And wearing their hats, yes, hats are also tradition, bonnets until 2 or 3 and then hats thereafter:

Then there was May. My brother was confirmed a member of the Catholic church (he converted) and had his First Communion; we attended to support him in his desire to renounce evil and turn to God. We had a family birthday party for me and the girls the same day.

Bridey got her cast off, and after a slight snafu (we realized the next week or so that she still seemed to have a stitch in; we had my dad remove what turned out to be TWO, and thereafter her limping and complaining of pain stopped) she's doing great.

We got a new van! It's a 2005 Odyssey-- after we were protected so well by our 2002, buying anything else was kinda out of the question for us. We love it. We went out to Corona and found out that it will be a cinch for us to get swivel screens added in the back rows so rear-facers can watch the DVD player! That will be kinda super-cool as the older two tell me they want to rear-face again to feel safe, and we're going to oblige them with Swedish seats...

I had a few private seat checks in there too-- including one for a friend whom I think I know now better than I did when we were in high school, but either way, I'm glad to know her. And so glad she cares to keep her sweet kids as safe as possible. :)

My uncle who has ALS has been in the hospital; we downloaded Audacity and recorded a CD for him. It has some hymns from me, a song with all of us singing, Emma reading a story, us telling jokes, Ems and Mags singing songs with me (Bridget was not in the mood, lol, typical), and I hear it was a hit. The kids and Jeff learned a new song for it-- the "Alleluia/Praise Ye the Lord" caller/response song-- and it was very amusing to me that Jeff couldn't remember his part on his own. So after Emma learning the whole "Alleluia" tune with me, she had to switch to his side to lead him in "Praise Ye the Lord" because he couldn't remember the notes without a strong singer leading him! LOL! Note to self, if we ever sing a group thing as a family, put Emma with Jeff...

I had a birthday. It was kind of a hard day, being 5 months anniversary of Becky's birthday. I crashed a bit hard the day after. The day of though, my aunt watched the girls and we went to a movie. Then we had dinner with my dad. The day before we had dinner with my friends Melina and Leslie and their mom Celia at their house (I also consider Celia my friend, actually.) We have known each other since Meli and I were in Brownies together... We go way back. They're pretty much family at this point. Isn't it great how your family can grow to include people who you love even if they weren't born into your family? I have a lot of friends like that. Some I've met online, some IRL, but all are now family. Love that.

Anyway, in between ALL that business-- we've been sick over. and over. and over. Ick. It seems like when we're not busy, I'm sick, and when I'm not busy or sick, I have a hard grief day. I'd say I'm ready for a break but, um... I don't know that there's one in the foreseeable future coming up... I'm looking forward to stuff like flying to Ohio to help with a friend's son's birthday party, getting together with local-ish online friends, a trip to Reno, etc. But still.

That's ok. I'd rather be busy doing good things, making happy memories for my kids, and helping and supporting others. I mean, that's life, you know? Even with some grief and illness mixed in-- it's good. And I'm glad I get to experience it.

The Doxology

2011-04-01T23:04:00.000-07:00

I grew up singing the Doxology (aka "Praise God from Whom All Blessings Flow") weekly. It always meant something to me, but I don't know that I had ever felt as Colin did in The Secret Garden, when he wanted to sing it because he was so happy to be getting healthier and walking. Until last Friday night.

Friday night, we were in a horrific car crash. (Warning: really. It's horrific. And there are pics.) The kind that my first responder friends tell me they expect fatalaties when they see, especially when they know kids are inside.

We all sustained no more than fairly minor injuries. The worst was Bridey's broken leg and deep cut on her foot, and my very cut-up and scraped-up arm, which required a lot of stitches. We'll be better, all of us, completely, in less than 2 months. From an accident that could easily have been fatal.

Before our trip I had some promptings that I didn't understand but followed. I re-packed the luggage to make sure the heavy stuff was compartmentalized. I wasn't comfortable with the idea of Emma falling asleep and falling out of her booster, so even though I'd wavered over the idea of just watching her and poking her if she fell asleep, I put in a harnessed seat for her at the last minute, and sat in the back since she now couldn't reach back to pass snacks. There were other things too, but those were the two major ones.

And so when I realized we had crashed, and we were hanging upside down, and I heard that my family was all alive, and that I could wiggle my fingers and toes (and so was not paralyzed), and that the worst of the car's damage seemed to be on my side, not where my kids were-- I rejoiced. And over and over in my head, as I hung for 10 minutes waiting to be extracted (they had to cut off the door, stablize my neck, unbuckle me and then strap me to the board to pull me out), through fending off the bystander that wanted to cut me out and talking to my husband to make sure the kids were okay, I sang over and over in my head. And without a thought of what my words should be, my soul sang those well-known words over and over, the words that have embodied the joy of knowing that God has blessed us for so many over so many years:

Praise God from Whom all blessings flow,
Praise Him all creatures here below.
Praise Him above, ye heavenly host,
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost!

And I understood the joy that Colin felt in that book, the joy of being alive-- both the euphoria ("I'm going to live forever and ever and ever!") and the deep, deep gratitude.

I begin to understand, I think, a teeny tiny part of the plan that God had when he sent Becky to live in our family for such a short time. She saved my life; she also enabled me to spread this message of car safety farther than I've ever been able to reach before. And I know that she had a choice in it. She did it for me. For her sisters. And for all those other mamas' babies whose lives she may yet save through the spread of this message.

But more than that, I feel just such gratitude. I can't think "why did this happen to me" because I know. If I hadn't been me, whosever children they were might not be alive. And I know my children need to live, because their missions in this life are far from over. Intuitively, I know that. And I know that God loves all children, and wants them protected tenderly, and that many parents need more information on how to do that, when it comes to travelling in the car. (After all, that's why I became a CPST to begin with.) And I know that my Father stepped in to shield me from the worse things that could have happened. And I'm so grateful. And so once again I will praise Him, and as I thank Him for my children every day, I will also thank Him for the good He is doing through us for others' children.

Praise God, from Whom all blessings flow!

P.S.-- please join me in doing this work. Spread the story linked in any way you feel you can-- email, facebook, blogs, anything. May it do much good for those who read it. :)

Muscle Memory

2011-03-04T01:48:00.000-08:00

It's funny the things that get stored away in your brain. When I was about 10 I took piano lessons. I stopped after 2 1/2 years; I never got very far, and now I can barely pick out a melody. But I did learn a lot that stuck with me. One of the things I learned about is muscle memory.

My piano teacher talked about muscle memory. When you practice playing a piece, or scales, or anything, over and over, after a while your brain stops having to consciously think about where to put your fingers. Your fingers learn to "know" the feel of the song, or scale, and how to move and reach to the right place. I've found the same thing applies to many other things. Walk the same route enough and you stop having to think about where to turn; even if you've got your nose in a book (as I often did when walking to the library after school in high school) your feet seem to turn at the right place, your brain goes into automatic on it, and you don't have to think, you just feel and know.

It may seem silly, but when I was holding Becky, I knew I would have to let her go. I didn't want to forget-- so I made use of my muscle memory. I held her in my arms, cradled as my other babies have been by my side in my bed. I stroked her hair, and most of all, I traced her features, especially her ears, with my hands. (I love baby ears. I have always been a fan of nice ears-- they were one of the most attractive things, physically speaking, about my husband when we met, I know that's silly but I do love nice ears. But there's something special to me about baby ears. How other people feel about baby feet, I feel about baby ears-- just in awe that they can be so tiny and yet so perfect from the minute they are born.)

I stroked those ears over and over, tracing the ins and outs and lines with my fingertips, cradling her head in my whole hand, also touching lips, eyes, forehead, nose, chin, but always back to those ears, those perfect ears. I laid her head against my arm just where her sisters always cuddled to sleep. And though it may seem strange to some to want to do all this with a dead baby-- I'm glad I did.

You see, it seems to me I knew her soul, at least a little bit, before she was born. But every mother also wants to know and marvel over the sight and smell and feel of her baby's physical body. I don't have a great visual memory. I have an excellent auditory memory-- I can "play" whole CDs in my head and remember a movie line for line, note for note of orchestration of the background music, etc.-- but I have a very hard time visualizing things, whether real memories or imagining something. Thankfully, Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep sent a photographer to help us remember forever how Becky LOOKED. Even if I can't close my eyes and "see" her, I can look at photos. But the feel-- I was so afraid I would not remember the feel.

But I can. Because I touched her over and over and over, and held her so long, I can remember. Late at night sometimes I lie in my bed, close my eyes, and remember the feel of her weight cuddled against my side, her head pillowed on my arm. I reach out my fingers-- and they feel the downy hair, the tiny chin, those little ears. And I'm so glad. It's a comfort to me, to know that I can remember. To know that just as I can feel, if I concentrate, how Emma, or Bridey, or Maggie felt when they were newborns cuddled in my arms-- I can feel how Becky felt too.

I'm sure that might be bizzare to some. But to me, it's a precious gift. And I'm grateful for it.

Through the Deep Waters

2011-01-21T01:30:00.000-08:00

These lines have been on my mind a lot the last few days:

When through the deep waters I call thee to go,
The rivers of woe shall not thee overflow,
For I will be with thee, thy troubles to bless,
And sanctify to thee thy deepest distress.

(From "How Firm a Foundation.")

Today is one month. One month since what we anticipated as a happy, if anxious arrival turned into unforseen, unexpected sorrow.
I've had help and comfort from sources expected and unexpected. I've had friends throw themselves into helping me, helping us, any way they could, from feeding my family, to sending money for expenses, to gifts for the girls. I've leaned hard on a few of them, crying to them, letting them distract me at times and listen to me talk about everything, even the hard things, at others.

I've had a visit from my Stake President (President Morgan has known me since I was about 18; his family feels like family to me by now, honestly) and Elder Ringwood, one of our General Authorities. They came by last Saturday (it was Stake Conference) and sat with us. Elder Ringwood talked about some experiences he's had with families who have lost children at or shortly after birth, and that he was impressed at the way they didn't let their other children forget their siblings, because they were an eternal family. He gave a beautiful prayer that touched me very much, about us being assured that Becky was entitled to eternal life, and asking that we recieve extra comfort when it was needed. His words were just what we needed to hear. (And he even understood the pressures of tax season, being an accountant.) We talked, we cried (and Bridget sat on President Morgan's lap the whole time, the girl knows a sucker for little girls when she sees one, lol.)

I've had days when I felt like everything was pretty much going okay. I've had more days when I felt like I will never be truly happy again. I've wanted to escape. I've needed to get out. I've gone out, and found that I didn't even know where to go. I've screamed at my husband. I've cried in his arms. He's cried in mine. We've talked; we've cuddled; we've tried our best, and sometimes it seems it hasn't been enough.

I've found comfort in strange places. The scriptures have much comfort for me, but that was expected; music has helped more than I can say. I've always felt most connected to myself, to my soul, through music, more than anything else. I've made dirty jokes with my girl friends and strangely that has lifted my spirits when nothing else seemed to. Helping a friend in need made my week. (That old adage about serving others when you need to lift your spirits? Really true...) My parents and other relatives have reached out to me and I've gratefully accepted their company, conversation, listening ears. Then things that I've thought should help, haven't. Ice cream holds scant comfort for me any more. Sleeping is fraught, as I'm apt to wake up from a dream of a baby I remember all over again isn't with me any more.

It's been a strange month. Unexpected. Unanticipated. Books on grieving, instead of a baby. Medications to regulate my brain chemistry so I can grieve healthily instead of going off the deep end, and to prevent another pregnancy until my uterus and heart have time to heal (for the sake of the baby, as well as my own.) Visits to the doctor's office where my main concern is not how much I weigh, but how I'm going to survive sitting in a room full of baby pictures. Tea to stop my milk coming in, instead of making sure a jaundiced baby gets enough of it to clear her bilirubin.

And yet, I've found gratitude. So much gratitude. For my friends. For the comfort I've been given. For the little ways I was prepared to survive this, and to be comforted, as far back as my pregnancy. For the things I was spared. I can't write about them all yet. But I'm sure I will.

So so far, it seems, the old hymn is true. My head is above water. I'm not "overflowed" quite yet. I'm finding out you can live through the unliveable. And as life flows on, sorrow is part of the water. But in the words of Khalil Gibran, "When you are sorrowful, look again in your heart, and in truth you shall see that you are weeping for that which has been your delight." The sorrow is there because there was joy. There will be joy with my Becky again, and, long-awaited, it will be richer because I have known this sorrow. I know that as sure as I know that she knows we love her.

So the day will be hard. The month will be hard, as this month has been. The year will be hard. But I am confident that I will not go under. I can already see some of the ways in which this distress is sanctified. I pray for the strength to heal, to carry on, and to recognize the ways in which it is sanctified further to me.

A Bend in the Road

2011-01-05T11:56:00.000-08:00

If I could I'd tell you now,
There are no roads that do not bend,
And the days, like flowers, bloom and fade,
And they do not come again.

Now we've only got these times we're living in.
We've only got these times we're living in.

-Kate Wolf, "These Times We're Living In"

The older I get the more I hear in Kate Wolf's songs. I grew up listening to her and appreciating the music as well as the vivid imagery and beautiful metaphor she wove through her startlingly real portraits of people and life, but like most great works of art (be they visual art, music, or literature) the more life experience I gain, the more they gain meaning as I gain understanding.

I was struck by those lines today. There are no roads that do not bend-- there is no life that goes exactly the way we hope and plan. I have had friends and family members lose babies before (though most before a full-term birth, many were quite far into their pregnancies) but though I'd obviously known that this is a huge shock and loss, I never thought about the changes in plan it entails.

That road trip we were going to take? Well, we won't be doing it with a baby. The trip to Disneyland? Won't be navigating it with a baby in tow. The plans for next Christmas? We won't have a one year old along. The picture of how my family will be spaced? Maggie will now be probably 4 or even 5 when the next sibling comes along, instead of being less than 3 when she gets used to having a baby in the house. Yes, Becky will always be in our hearts, and part of our family-- but she won't be living here, she won't be part of the household routine, it will be very different spacing-wise than what I'm used to, and planned for. Add in that I had a c-section (unexpected since I've always said I'd only consent to one when it was a life-or-health-of-the-baby-or-me situation in MY estimation) and it changes my short term plans due to my physical ability, and my next birth will now be "labeled"-- I'll be a "VBAC" with a slightly higher risk (before I was a "medium risk" patient, I probably still am, but still, it's a word I'll hear that I wasn't expecting, not that it's a bad one or anything.)

Basically, there's not much that will be happening the way I thought it was going to. So now, I have to walk that bend in the road and start trying to plan out the route ahead all over again, since my life has turned 40 degrees to the side of where I thought it would be going. There will be stops along the new route that are more sorrowful and difficult than I was expecting. Off to the side lies a little grave. But I can't stay here, can I? I guess I have to keep walking. Because I've only got this life, I don't get a choice. We can choose our path but sometimes it's not the path we thought it would be. We've only got these times we're living in.

Sometimes, there are unsurvivable crashes.

2010-12-23T23:02:00.000-08:00

Last Saturday, a friend of mine was on the highway and hit a patch of ice. She skidded, flipped, and went over a fence, hit a water tower and slid some more, landing sideways. Her two year old son was in the car. He was properly restrained in his car seat, which was correctly installed. He was unharmed in a crash that could have been fatal if he had not been. I was so glad to hear that. I knew my time teaching her had been well spent, and this little boy I love had benefited from it.

But sometimes, there are unsurvivable crashes. The big rig's brakes go out and it smashes into the minivan, which plows into another truck or a building. The force is so great that there is nothing anyone can do. The children can all be in proper car seats, and they die anyway.

This week, we had an unsurvivable crash in our own life, though not in a vehicle.

Once there was a little girl named Rebecca Irene, but everyone called her Becky. She had a personality. She didn't like pepperoni, but she loved fruit and she liked chocolate cake, too. She danced a lot. She especially enjoyed The Wiggles, and A Christmas Cornucopia, the new Christmas album by Annie Lennox. She liked warm baths. She knew her father's voice and would wiggle when she heard him. She liked to hear her sisters talk or sing or giggle, and got agitated when they fought or screamed. She was a joyful child and she knew love when she experienced the sound or feel of it.

She was also very active. Last Sunday night, she decided to do a flip. She turned upside down, then sideways, then back down again, as she had done many times before. But this time, she was getting cramped. Like her mommy, grandpa, and sisters, she had a very long umbilical cord. She was running out of room and somehow, when she flipped this time, she tightened a knot that had been tied in her cord a long time back, and the cord also wrapped around her neck three times, whether before or after this, we don't know.

By the next morning she was getting sleepy. Her kicking slowed down, and her mommy thought she was getting a little quiet because it was almost time for her to be born (her due date was later that week, after all.) Soon she stopped moving altogether. Her brain went to sleep; she lost function in her body as slowly the non-essential, then many of the essential parts of her brain shut down. Her mommy thought she was napping, as she did sometimes. Then her mommy started to worry a little. Her mommy listened to her heart, and was reassured to hear her heartbeat. Her mommy also felt her move once in a while, though later her mommy would find out that these movements were most likely reflexive muscle contractions and actually weren't what we would think of as "movements" at all. Her mommy worried enough to call the doctor. The doctor's call service had a problem, and she didn't get a call back. But her mommy fell asleep.

The next morning, Becky still didn't move. Her mommy worried a lot, and counted the minutes until the doctor's office opened. She called as soon as they did, and they told the mommy to come in. The mommy called the daddy and the grandma, and as soon as grandma got home to stay with Becky's sisters, the mommy and daddy went to the doctor's office.

At the office, the nurse put a monitor on Becky. They found a heartbeat, all right. But, it wasn't doing what it was supposed to. Even when they buzzed a loud noise at her and fed her mommy juice, the heartbeat didn't change. The doctor was very worried. He sent the mommy to the hospital, and she went up to L&D. They put another monitor on. Becky had one of her reflexive movements right about this time, though she was still asleep. No one knew that she was already so sleepy there was no chance she would ever wake. There was no way to know. But when no more heart variations came after that last one, the doctor came in and told the mommy that something was wrong. The mommy agreed it was time for Becky to come out, and they began an induction.

After a few hours of the induction, the doctor came in again. They were having trouble keeping the monitor in the right place as the mommy tried to remain comfortable and moved around. The doctor said it was very important to find out what was going on. He asked, and she agreed, to break the mommy's bag of amniotic fluid, and put internal monitors in.

When the water was broken, the doctor got even more worried. There was a lot of meconium. It was what he called "plus four meconium." That meant there was a whole lot of it, and it had probably happened a long time ago. Becky's bowels probably released when her brain first went to sleep.

After a few minutes, the nurses realized that Becky was not tolerating the contractions. They called the doctor. They gave the mommy a medicine to stop the contractions, and the doctor came in and told the mommy that it was time to get the baby out by c-section.

The mommy was very scared and angry. She did not want a c-section. She had a great fear of them. She asked her doctor to please tell her the risks of a c-section (which she already knew) and the risks of not doing a c-section. The doctor still thought there was a good chance to save the baby at this point. He didn't know her brain was already asleep, or that it had probably been that way since yesterday. He told the mommy and daddy what they needed to know, and then he sent the anesthesiologist in.

The mommy didn't like the anesthesiologist. The mommy has a fear of female doctors. She was already panicking and this made it worse. She was given a choice: spinal block or general anesthesia. Again, she discussed the risks and benefits. Then she asked for the doctor to leave while she talked to the daddy.

The mommy was very, very, very scared. She called her mommy. She couldn't make herself make the decision she needed to. She called the anesthesiologist back in to ask if she had the spinal block, could she change her mind. The doctor said yes, but it would be easier on her to do the general in the first place if she thought she'd end up with it-- and that after talking to the mommy, she thought that was likely.

The daddy and mommy talked. The mommy told the daddy that she was sorry. She wanted the daddy to be able to be in the room for the baby's birth. But she couldn't make herself do it. The daddy loved the mommy very much. He knew how scared she was. He told her that he wanted her to do whatever would make it okay for her. She got mad and said it wasn't okay. He said he knew. But it had to be done.

The doctor came back in. He said the baby's heart was getting worse. He understood this was a hard decision but it needed to be made now, and he would make it if she couldn't. The mommy finally told him, "Just put me under. I can't do this awake." He told her he understood as he ran out of the room and began to scrub in the OR down the hall.

The nurses ran in. They began to move the bed. The daddy walked into the hall with the mommy, and then he had to kiss her and go back. The mommy was very, very scared. She felt like this couldn't be happening.

She got to the OR and they tried to put a catheter in as the anesthesiologist got ready. It didn't go in the first time and the doctor ordered them to give up. A little pee was the least of his worries and he needed them doing more important things RIGHT NOW. The mommy got more scared but at that point, the anesthesiologist (who really wasn't a bad person; just in the wrong place at the wrong time or the mommy might have liked her) apologized that this was going to hurt. A nurse came and held her throat as the medicine began to burn in her arm and chest. As the mommy fell asleep, the nurse held her hand and stroked it, and looked her in the eyes. She whispered, "It's all right. I know you're scared. I'm sorry."

The next thing the mommy knew, she was in a strange room with strange people. Her doctor whom she trusted was not there. There was a strange nurse who was talking loudly to her. She didn't like it. She felt empty in her tummy and her heart. Her throat hurt, and her body was very tense. It was so tense that she was grabbing the bedrails, which her wrists were strapped to, and could not let go, and her body was shaking so violently that she thought there were vibrating cushions in the bed. She knew something was horrible. She moaned, "I want to go back to sleep. Please let me go back to sleep."

The nurse came over with a shot and said, "I am going to give you a shot for pain, ok?" The mommy yelled, "No! I don't want the shot!" She was still not thinking very clearly. She asked, "Where is my baby? Is my baby okay?" No one answered her. In the other bed she heard an old man being taken upstairs after his surgery. The lights were very bright in her eyes. She still couldn't let go of the bed rails. The nurse unstrapped her wrists and told her to let go. She couldn't make herself do it. She asked again, "Is my baby okay? Is my baby okay?" The nurse said, "Honey, I wasn't in the room. I'm just in Recovery." That wasn't really an answer. The mommy felt that she should know the answer. She asked, "Would you please look in my chart?" The nurse seemed not to hear. At this point, the mommy gave up. She was pretty sure that the nurse knew where her baby was and didn't want to tell her. She hoped that the baby was being life-flighted to a NICU. But in the bottom of her heart, the mommy feared that what she had felt when she woke up was true-- that her baby was gone from this life.

The mommy started to think a little more clearly. She said, "I want the shot now." The nurse gave her the shot. She relaxed enough to let go of the bedrails when asked, though she did not want to. She waited a little longer, pretending that she was calming down, while inside she felt more and more like screaming. She asked what floor they were on. For some reason she needed to know. Tears ran down the mommy's face. They wheeled the mommy back upstairs, and in the elevator the mommy asked what time it was, and found out that about an hour had passed since she went to sleep.

When the mommy got to the room, the daddy was there waiting. She couldn't see his face, as she had taken off her glasses before surgery. She asked for her glasses. The daddy went to find them. He said, "I know they're in one of these bags." As the daddy looked she grew impatient. She said, "What happened?" He said, "Let me find your glasses. Then I'll tell you." She knew then that he didn't want to tell her. But she had to know. She almost yelled at him, "I need to know! Tell me what happened!" It wasn't angry screaming. She wasn't scared. She was terrified.

The daddy came back, and sat down. He held the mommy's hand. He said, "She didn't make it." He cried. She cried. She asked again, "What happened?"

The daddy said that he had waited in the room, then went out and was directed to the waiting room. Half an hour later the doctor came in. The daddy knew it was very bad when the doctor asked the other man in the room to leave. The doctor told the daddy that Becky was born less than ten minutes after the mommy went in the room. She never took a breath, and her heart never beat outside the womb. It turned out that the umbilical cord with the knot had sustained just enough function that it was like life support. When the cord was cut, the plug was pulled on the life support machines. Becky's brain had already died. It couldn't make her heart beat on its own. The doctor told the daddy that they tried for 20 minutes to make Becky's heart beat and make her breathe.

The mommy couldn't quite believe this was happening. She asked again for her glasses. The daddy found them and she put them on. The mommy began to cry again. She said, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." Then the doctor walked in. He asked, "Does she know?" The daddy choked down a sob and nodded.

The doctor was in shock. He looked it, and he said it. He said in 26 years this had never happened. He had had babies that he knew would not make it die, but he had never expected that Becky would not live. He had expected that she would be saved. The mommy said that she should have done something sooner. She should have gone in on Monday. Gently the doctor explained that it wouldn't have made a difference. Becky's brain was already asleep. When that happened, by the time the mommy could notice that something was wrong, it was too late already. The same thing would have happened, just a day earlier. The doctor sat with them for a long time, and he answered a lot of questions. He said he was very, very sorry. The mommy could see that the doctor was sad. She said, "I think you feel almost as bad as us." The doctor said, "I can't imagine how you feel. But I do feel very bad. I'm so, so sorry. I never thought this would happen. None of us wanted this. We tried our best and it wasn't enough." The mommy was not angry at the doctor. She trusted the doctor with her life, and her babies' lives. She knew that if he was not able to save Becky, she could not be saved. And she knew that he was telling her the truth. Though she still felt like a bad mommy for waiting so long, for that one extra day of not worrying enough, she knew, in her heart, that the doctor would not lie just to make her feel better. He was not hedging. He told her straight out that Becky was already gone by the time anyone could know something was wrong, and that nothing would have made a difference.

The doctor left, telling the mommy and daddy that he knew they would have more questions the next day, and that he would make extra time to talk to them as much as they needed. Then the mommy and daddy were alone in the room.

The mommy began to say sad and angry things. She said a lot that she didn't remember later, though she knew she probably said some things that hurt the daddy some. She mostly cried. And she said over and over that she was sorry. She knew it wasn't her fault but she was still sorry. She felt like she had failed to protect her baby.

After a while a nurse came in. She gave the mommy more pain medicine. The mommy's body was still very tense, and as her uterus contracted she stiffened all over and it hurt. But she couldn't focus on the pain in her body, because the pain in her heart hurt too much. The mommy and daddy cried together. The nurse came back, and asked gently if they wanted the baby in the room. They were not ready yet to meet Becky.

The mommy got her phone. The daddy had already called the relatives to let them know. The mommy called a friend. Her friend cried. The mommy was sorry but she couldn't talk much. She posted on Facebook. It was hard but she knew people would want to know. She knew people were worried for her and Becky and they deserved the truth.

The grandma came by with Becky's sisters. When they walked in they wanted to know where the baby was. The mommy explained that Becky's body had stopped working and that she was dead. The sisters had a lot of questions. Well, the older two did. The mommy answered them. The littlest sister just looked at the mommy. She was scared to see the mommy lying in the bed crying. The mommy's heart hurt for Becky, and it hurt because she had to tell the sisters news that was going to make them sad.

After a while the mommy and daddy asked for Becky to be brought in. They asked if the sisters wanted to stay or go. Two of them decided to go in the hall. The oldest sister stayed. The baby was brought in. Becky looked like she was asleep. The sister did not want to touch her. That was okay. The mommy asked to hold the baby. Then the daddy held her. Then the mommy held her some more. The next sister walked in and wondered why the baby was asleep. The mommy had to explain again. The two oldest sisters left. The daddy went out to be with them and the grandma came in. She held the baby too for a while. After a while the littlest sister came in with the daddy. She looked at the baby. She wanted to kiss the mommy but didn't like leaning over to do it. The daddy asked the sisters to say goodbye to Becky. The middle sister didn't understand why Becky couldn't come home, and the mommy explained again. The biggest two sisters said goodbye, and the grandma and daddy took the sisters home. The grandpa came by. He held the baby too. He talked to her, and to the mommy. The mommy told him all the most horrible thoughts she had had, and why she felt so bad. He told her that it was okay. We all think and say things when we are scared, that we don't mean. She knew that he meant it. She was comforted.

The daddy slept on the chair that folded out in the room that night. The mommy didn't sleep much. Most of the night she held Becky. She sang songs in the long, long rainy night. She sang all the favorite songs that she had looked forward to singing to Becky once she was born. She had wondered which would be Becky's favorite and now she would never know. But she sang the songs anyway, to get through the painful, rainy, sad night. She was in a lot of pain. She kept getting the daddy up to help her. She felt bad doing so, and apologized each time. But she needed help and tonight, she needed him. She could not ask a nurse, a stranger, to come in and help with little things. She only wanted the daddy to help.

The next day people started asking to help. The mommy accepted their help. A very nice photographer came from the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation. The night before a friend had contacted them and the daddy had called. He couldn't call again, he was too upset, so the friend kindly made the hard phone calls for the mommy and daddy. The daddy left and the grandma came, and helped wash and dress the baby, and the pictures were taken. The great-grandma was there too. The mommy dressed Becky in the Christmas dress and bow she had bought for her, that matched her sisters' dresses. The mommy and grandma cried. The photographs done, the photographer left. The great-grandma left. The grandma stayed with the mommy until the nurse came to take the baby down to the morgue so that she could stay the way she was, until the daddy was ready to come say goodbye.

That night the daddy and mommy said goodbye to Becky. They signed some release papers to let Becky go to the people who would take care of her for her burial preparations. They told her they loved her. They told her everything they needed to tell her. They kissed her, and they called the nurse in. The nurse tucked her in lovingly and gently. Then she wheeled her away, and the daddy and mommy held hands and cried together. It was probably the hardest thing they had ever done, to let her go out that door. The daddy went home to be with the sisters, and the grandma came to sit with the mommy.

The story isn't over. There is another day, and another, and another. Next week the mommy and daddy will go to a cemetary with their Stake President, whom they have known for a long time (he knew them before they married; he witnessed their wedding certificate in the Temple and he performed their ring ceremony; he has known each of their girls as a baby, and he was looking forward to meeting Becky.) He will consecrate her grave and they will put her body in the ground. There will be a place where people can go, and know that Rebecca Irene, whom everyone always called Becky, existed. There will be no way for them to know her, and they will not be able to see, looking at her grave marker, how joyful her very short time with her family was. They will probably never even know that she never took a breath or had a heartbeat outside of the womb. But they will know that she had a name, and a family who love her, and who wrote her name down so that people can see that she was here, and part of their family.

Becky will always be a part of the family. She may not be seen, but she will be present in their lives. The mommy and daddy and sisters were brought joy by her life. They always have and always will love her. And they believe that they will see her one day. The wait will be hard, but it will be worth it. And they will know her when they get there. They don't know how that will happen, but they know it will happen. They will know Becky, and Becky will know them. And once again, there will be joy.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

This is the first photograph we have. There are many more but the photographer rush edited it so we would have it right away.

Rebecca Irene
Born still on Dec. 21, 2010 at 5:32 PM
7 lbs., 0 oz.
20 inches long

We will love her forever.

Tarring babywearing with a broad brush?

2010-10-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

It's recently come to my attention that the CPSC may be using scare tactics and bullying to go after a reputable manufacturer of baby slings.

There was a VALID recall of a certain type of padded "bag" sling, which is NOT safe. I completely agree with this recall; the slings in question did not allow proper positioning of the infant's head (chin should not hit chest), proper airflow, or freedom of movement for the infant to reposition to a safer position if necessary, nor did they allow parents to easily check on baby.

This does not mean that babywearing by other methods-- front or back carriers such as Mei Tais and Ergos, wraps such as Moby Wraps, ring slings (such as Maya Wraps) or pouch slings such as Hotslings, and many others (when properly fitted for the mother/caregiver and properly used with baby) are not safe. It means they should be used properly, and any incidents investigated. The CPSC stepping in to bully without logic or science on their side is tarring all these products with the same brush as one unsafe product-- which could be a detriment to the health of many a baby.

Not only does babywearing promote bonding, help soothe refluxers (when worn upright), allow mom to get work done, it also helps prevent SIDS and positional plagiocephaly. Babies who are left to sleep in a car seat or swing or EVEN A CRIB are at much higher risk for SIDS and other methods of death than babies who are worn in a properly used and fitted carrier, wrap, or sling. Wearing baby allows parent or caregiver to constantly be aware of baby's breathing, sleep pattern, etc. Positional plagiocephaly (flattening of the head due to lying in one position for too long) has been on the rise since the "Back to Sleep" came in, coinciding with the use of multiple baby "devices" in most homes. Babies should be out of "devices" such as swings, infant seats, and bouncers as much as possible; time in them should be limited, and one way to keep baby happy while limiting time in these devices is to wear baby! I modeled a while back for a "do's and don't's" slide presentation for my mom's colleague (she works in craniofacial)-- and one of the "do's" was showing me wearing baby in a sling! Wearing baby can also promote emotional and language development, as babies worn close to mom (or dad, or caregiver) are more likely to be talked and sung to, and feel comfortable and safe.

I urge those of you who would like to read more on what's going on to check out the thread here with more information on what's going on, and what you can do about it.

Babywearing is important, for the health and well-being of babies, and the sanity of parents. The CPSC is not following their own protocols if they are bullying and harassing companies rather than following their mandate to look simply into injuries and prevent more by investigating them and potentially dangerous products. BABY WEARING IS NOT DANGEROUS when done properly. Let's stand up for it!

Things I love about Hypnobabies so far

2010-09-29T14:20:00.000-07:00

So, this pregnancy, instead of opting for an epidural, I've decided to try Hypnobabies. There are several reasons but the most important one is the lasting side effects I've had from my 3 epidurals, and my desire to prevent that from worsening. (I have scarring in the epidural space. The anesthesiologist was actually unable to give me an epidural in the standard place last time and had to go up quite a ways to not cause me excrutiating pain. I have throbbing pain at the sites of the scarring when I get a migraine.)

I've been doing the program (we're doing the Home Study course) for over a week now. Yes, just my second week! (It's a 6 week course.) Already, I have found so many benefits to it. I can't believe I never discovered this sooner.

I had pubis symphasis disfunction my last pregnancy. This time the aching pain in the hips and pelvis had started up, the hips popping every time I moved, etc. Within ONE NIGHT of listening to my Pregnancy Affirmations cd-- just one night! One listen!-- I woke up the next morning, heard my hips pop-- and felt no pain. Instead, I had the thought, "This is normal for the stage of pregnancy I am in. My body is preparing for my birthing time." So the physical state I was in remained the same-- but my Pregnancy Affirmations (one of which is "my bodily functions remain normal for the stage of pregnancy that I am in) re-programmed my brain after ONE listen to re-interpret that as a wonderful normal sign of getting ready to birth my baby, not pain. Wow!

Another affirmation is "My blood pressure remains normal every day and every night." I'd been having low blood pressure dizzy spells pretty frequently (I get those a lot when pregnant.) I haven't had one in over a week (they were every day, sometimes twice a day, for the last month before that.)

This week I have learned the "Finger Drop Technique" to put myself into a state of deep hypnotic relaxation instantly for as long as I want, tune out everything but emergency-type input, and experience anesthesia all through my body (by turning my "light switch" off to shut down all non-essential-for-life muscles etc.) It is incredible! So relaxing, comfortable, and takes away all the discomforts, aches, etc. I am feeling. It cured my migraine the other day!

I also am healing emotionally from what I went through after Maggie's birth (now believed to be PTSD. I meet all the criteria...) I have not had nightmares at all, or anxious thoughts or panic attacks about my birth or being separated from my baby, in the last week. This is incredible and wonderful. I can't wait until later on in the program when I get to do the "Fear Clearing" sessions and hopefully let go and heal even more. I have been thinking only positively and with joy and loving anticipation of what a wonderful birth I am going to have, instead!

So, um, yeah, by the time I'm ready for my birth I am going to sound like a walking Hypnobabies infomercial, I'm sure. But really, this is GOOD stuff! If you're interested you can learn more on their website, and they have wonderful birth stories on there too. I will be thrilled to be able to write mine! I'm sure I'm going to have a beautiful, comfortable birth with the help of the self-hypnosis techniques I'm learning and the relaxing, wonderful scripts from Hypnobabies.

I'm weird.

2010-09-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

This comes home to me several times a day right now.

I don't "nest" like most women do at the end of my pregnancy, typically; I do it now, at the end of the second/beginning of the third trimester, and it takes the form of buying lots of baby clothes and an urge to scrub the bathtubs and sinks out frequently.

I don't consider essential many things many parents do for their babies; we registered at Babies R Us and we won't have a crib, won't have an infant seat, won't have baby gates (well I suppose we might put up the one we got for the top of the stairs, and never put up), won't have plug covers, won't have a nursing cover (HATE), won't have a baby bathtub, won't have sooo many things (though I do have a breast pump and will have bottles this time, but not by choice; so that baby can be supplemented with colostrum during her too-jaundiced-to-nurse-effectively period, not formula)... On the other hand, I could NOT live without a ring sling with a newborn! And we did buy a cover for our mattress, since baby will be sleeping on it with us. (Yes, we're co-sleeping-- without a co-sleeper. Again.)

I know many women who have problems with high blood pressure while pregnant. I, on the other hand, have problems with LOW blood pressure.

In all, some of these things are out of my control; some are choices I make. Some I am proud of, some I don't care, some I would change if I could. In the end, I'm glad my family loves me as I am, and I think that the world would be a better place if there was sometimes less expectation of "normality..."

(Ask me sometime about the Naked School of Socialism if you want a laugh, though. ;) )

At least she cares about her little sister.

2010-08-06T00:29:00.000-07:00

Last night Emma had a HORRIBLE nightmare. The kind where she was shouting and yelling but not awake.

What was she shouting?

"NO! MAGGIE NO! IT HAS SOY! MOMMY MAGGIE IS IN THE FOOD AND IT HAS SOY!!!" Over and over. Apparently in her dream someone had left food with soy in it on the table and Maggie was trying to get into it. I had to reassure her, "I'm right here! It's okay! Maggie doesn't have the food with soy, I will make sure she doesn't get into any! She's not going to get sick, don't worry!"

It was rather sweet, in a way. Eventually she calmed down, without waking, laid back down and resumed peaceful sleep.

If the kids are ever separated from us at least I know Emma will make sure no one gives Maggie anything with soy in it! She really worries when Maggie gets a reaction and has to take an antihistimine, or when people offer them food. Even though she grumbles about the fact that we can't have certain foods in the house or go out to eat certain places because of her sister's allergy, I know she really understands that that's not as important as Maggie not getting sick. I love her caring, nurturing little spirit.

And it's a...

2010-07-28T13:47:00.000-07:00

...GIRL!

Yep, we'll be having a fourth girl join us probably in late December (maybe early January if she wants to annoy her Abba. ;) ) She is healthy and whole and developing well. I'm very excited. :D

I have a notch on my placenta, which apparently puts me at higher risk for high blood pressure later in the pregnancy. Normally Dr. Devore would recommend a regimen of daily baby asprin, but I have asthma so it's contraindicated. So, just have to live healthy, I guess. Since I'm trying to do that anyway (and losing weight so far!) it hopefully won't be a problem.

Fireworks

2010-07-06T13:59:00.000-07:00

Fireworks on the 4th of July, or close to it, in a professional show= beautiful.

Fireworks set off at the same time set off by people down the street= illegal and kind of stupid, but whatever.

Fireworks set off by same people, every few hours through the night= make me super angry, especially when they scare my kids into wetting the bed, falling out of bed, nightmares, etc.

Idiots.

Reno, due date, and heat wave

2010-06-15T10:55:00.001-07:00

Yes, it's a dumb title. No, I don't feel like coming up with something else. :p

We went to Reno for Jeff's "Super Seminar" CE conference. He didn't take afternoon classes, so he was "home" at the hotel every day by 3:30. It was nice! We went swimming while there, went to their Planetarium (where we saw a pretty decent film about Saturn, and then Emma and I watched a truly EXCELLENT film called "Mysteries of the Nile" about white-water rafting from the source of the Nile all the way to the Mediterranian (Jeff was with Bridey and Maggie who were not up for another hour in the theater, though later Bridey wanted to come in-- oops, too bad. But maybe we can find it on Netflix or something because it was really good, I'd watch it again and I think Jeff would enjoy it!) Before we left we visited the Reno 1st Ward's Sacrament Meeting, and the Bishop there (whom Jeff had called earlier in the week) was so kind as to hunt out soy-free bread for the Sacrament so Maggie and I could take it. It was really wonderful how happy he was to help us!

The drive there and back, however, was NOT fun. It was hot. Our A/C didn't work at full capacity. And we passed through much stinky farm land, not fun at the best of times but abominable with my pregnancy-heightened super-smell and nausea. Also, on the way there I discovered that sitting in the same position in the car for 10 hours makes me swell up really badly right now. I moved around as much as possible, but it took 24 hours of lying around with my feet up to drain all that fluid from my legs! While in Reno, we found a maternity store where I could buy compression stockings. I wore them on the way back and they did help. Of course by the end of the drive back since my legs and feet couldn't swell, my HANDS started to instead! Ick.

This past Saturday I had an ultrasound to determine my due date (since my last period was in November...) I am a bit further along than I thought! My EDD is December 23! That means today, I am 12 weeks 4 days. Wow! We got a great shot, you can see facial features already! Hopefully I'll be able to get coverage and go to see my doctor SOON.

We had a nice cool overcast Saturday, but Sunday it burned off and yesterday was HOT. Today is shaping up to be the same. I have to say I prefer heat to cold-- but I am glad we have central air in the house we're in now, when things get bad! Last night I put some clothes on the line at 5:30. When Jeff brought them in at 8, they were all bone-dry already, even the jeans! Wow! Thankfully we're approaching the longest day of the year (also our wedding anniversary :) ) so soon it will start to get dark a wee bit earlier again (though that always seems to happen slower than the sudden way it seems to stay light so long!)

Things that irritate me when I'm pregnant (a vent)

2010-05-28T12:16:00.000-07:00

1. The cat keeps pooping in the corner of the bathroom instead of the litter box. It is bad enough when it is in the litter box but without any absorption whatsoever it STINKS. I am super smell sensitive when pregnant, moreso even than usual, and that's just not nice.

2. The kids keep changing clothes just for the heck of it. I am so tired I'm not even keeping up with NORMAL amounts of laundry, much less that generated by 3 girls changing clothes 4 times a day.

3. It's awful hard to make dinner when you have severe food aversions all over the place.

4. It is SO HARD to get health coverage for the pregnancy. Especially when you didn't have a period and you don't therefore have an easy-to-calculate due date. They REQUIRE a due date to get coverage. If we don't figure something out I'm just gonna have to make up a "last period" date based on how far along I think I am. I don't like having to do stuff like that.

5. I hate that my migraines get worse when I'm pregnant. Isn't it bad enough being pregnant, without adding migraines into the mix? When not pregnant I get maybe 2-4 a year. When pregnant, I get at least 2 a month. Often more. Gah.

6. Women who tell me, "Oh, I've had 3 kids, and I was never sick more than a day with any of them!" Good for you. Go jump in a lake.

7. People who assume I want a boy. (I actually want a girl. Jeff wants a boy. Of course we'll be happy either way.) We were not "trying for that boy." We were trying for a BABY. So shut up. Along the same lines, "So if it's a girl, are you done, or are you going to KEEP trying for a boy?"

8. People who ask if I'm going to have my tubes tied after this. (This hasn't happened yet. Just wait until I get big and have 3 little kids out with me. It will. It happened last time, and that was only my third! I do get a kick out of asking those rude people if they've heard of the Duggars, though... They usually go into shock and I walk away laughing.)

9. People who find out what I have an aversion to, and keep talking about it on purpose. It's really not funny to make me puke. It hurts.

10. People who touch my tummy. If you're not my husband, and you're not my child, please don't.

It's a darned good thing that I get a baby at the end of this. That's what makes it worth it. But in the mean time some things really suck.

So, um, need to make a small correction...

2010-05-24T13:25:00.000-07:00

In my birthday post I mentioned that I wasn't pregnant yet. Well, on the morning of the 22nd I took a pregnancy test for kicks and giggles and because I'd been throwing up a bit, tired, cranky, forgetful.

This was the result:

So, um, yeah. It was positive as soon as the pee crossed the test window (and it said "read at 3 minutes!")

I think I'm not too far along, but I haven't really got a clue, since I wasn't keeping track of ovulation, and I'm so irregular in my cycles (my last actual period was in November. The one before that in May of last year.) So I'll have to have that dated when I make it in to the doctor's. But I'm guessing late Jan. to early Feb.-ish would be right, possibly? We'll see. :)

Anyway, I'm thrilled, even though I'm sick. So, yeah, I was totally wrong.

Getting older, maybe wiser?

2010-05-20T18:22:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is my 27th birthday. It's been a good year in many ways. Since last year, I've done a lot of volunteering as a CPST (I was barely certified my last birthday), Emma has gotten much better (we were still worried about her health this time last year), we've moved to a big house with a back yard and a washer/dryer, Maggie has grown into a little talkative PERSON instead of a baby, I've pretty much recovered (mostly) from the PTSD or whatever I had after having her (at least it seems so, I hope so), we've figured out how to eat almost anything we want to soy-free, which makes her much healthier, I've made some new friends, Jeff has gotten a new job at which he is very happy, I got released from the calling I hated and got a new one, Emma learned to ride in a booster and to read, my uncle's book was published which is very awesome for him, and we've been able to do many other fun things.

There have been a few disappointments. I'm still not pregnant (at least as of last time I tested, last month); I was hoping to have had another baby by now, this time last year. In a way that's been a good thing too. We STILL don't have a bigger car, and much as the kids are content most of the time, sometimes when they're fighting it sure would be nice. ;) And we're not unpacked yet, and of course the house is always a constant struggle between clean and messy. That never ends, I don't think! Maggie isn't quite weaned which is a good thing in many ways, but also means I can't sneak the odd soy-containing treat here or there when I want to without sickening her. And there always seem to be small disappointments and setbacks to go with the joys and triumphs, of course.

But overall, a good year. And what's the point if we don't have things to work toward and look forward to, anyway?

I remember as a little kid being amazed that you could be a WHOLE YEAR older and not feel any older at all. Now as a "grown up" I realize that getting older, growing up, takes place so slowly we don't even notice it. It happens through the day to day, the making choices, the things you learn and do. And darned if one day you don't realize you've matured in a way you never thought you would-- and yet at heart you're still the same person you were when you were a kid. Amazing. And kind of cool. But it almost seems like it does when you see kids you don't see every month after a few months and they've grown two inches, while you hardly notice your own getting taller at all-- maybe someone from the outside notices growth more than you do yourself. To God we must all be like little kids that he watches growing slowly, rejoices in our small milestones and big ones, but I wonder is there someone with Him that points out to Him how much we've grown because they don't see us as often? Maybe. Maybe not. In any case, the growth does happen, whether we notice or not. I'm glad I've been given another year here to learn, and grow, and enjoy my kids doing the same. I hope I can do even better in the year to come. I hope we all can. :)

Happy Mother's Day

2010-05-09T14:15:00.000-07:00

Hope everyone is enjoying theirs.

I woke up with a killer sore back, and missed church. But other than that it's been a good day (especially since pain relief from the Advil and heating pad finally kicked in.)

The kids made me cards. All hand-drawn. I especially love one Emma made me (I love them all but the message in this one, written all by herself, is what is so special.) It says, "Thank you for being a good mom. Luv, Emma"

I'm saving that one for ten years from now, when she tells me that I've always been a horrible mother. I'll have proof. ;)

To all my online friends who are recently pregnant (even though you probably don't read my blog)

2010-04-28T15:19:00.000-07:00

I'm very happy for you. I really am. I wish you a healthy pregnancy and birth and baby, and as little discomfort and pain as possible.

I'm also kind of sad for myself. You see, I've been not preventing and/or trying actively to concieve for a year and a half now. This is the longest I've ever gone without being pregnant since I was married, and it's hard. Even though I relish the extra time babying Maggie, especially after what I went through her first year (now suspected to be PTSD), I'd really like another baby soon; I think we're ready.

So that's why I haven't posted on your threads to congratulate you yet, I'll try to get over myself and do it soon. Or at least by the time you have your babies be able to go in THOSE threads to congratulate you.

I do love all of you and your babies. Good luck! It's my problem, not yours.

And so I begin to regret the $3 toy from Target.

2010-04-22T13:07:00.000-07:00

Bridget had a birthday yesterday. Her present from her sisters was a toy microphone from Target (that amplifies the voice a bit.) All I've heard since is, "She has my microphone! Give me back my microphone! Mommy, she took it!"

Aaaagh. You'd think after 4 years they'd have learned to share, but no...

I am counting the days...

2010-04-07T02:48:00.001-07:00

...until tax season is over.

It's been much easier this year than last but still, I'm about ready for it to be done! Jeff has started working "real tax season hours" the past few weeks, and it's getting to all of us. Maggie asks for him all the time, wants to hear his voice on the phone (even if he's not talking to her, but to a client, she'll just walk around listening to him for half an hour.) Emma and Bridget are cranky and restless. I am short-tempered (well, more than usual...) Jeff is exhausted and even his infinite patience begins to wear a bit thinner.

Luckily, next week it's over for the year. Yay!

Then, we're going to Disneyland. Because, we're not tired enough. :p

A very sad cat song, by Bridget

2010-03-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Bridget likes to sing very long, storytelling ballad type songs that she makes up on the spot. She sang one tonight that was particularly sad. It even had a sad melody-- kind of minor, ending each verse with a note that didn't resolve the tension. Kind of like "Fair and Tender Ladies," if you know that one. And it just got sadder and sadder.

It went like this, as best as I can remember it:

There was a cat, she was hungry,
She went looking for her food.
There was no food in her bowl,
So she couldn't eat and she was hungry.

She tried to open her food,
But she didn't know how,
So her food stayed closed,
And she couldn't eat it.

Then the man came,
He said her food was outside,
He said to come get her food.
She slipped going out of the house.

She slipped going out of the house,
And she fell in the mud.
The little girl kitten was covered in mud,
So the man wouldn't feed her.

Then the policeman came,
He was taking kittens in a firefighter truck,
He took the cat into the truck,
And he took her to jail.

The little girl cat cried in jail,
Because she was locked up,
She was in jail,
And they didn't give her any food either.

Then the cat cried and cried,
She cried for her daddy,
But he wasn't there.
Only her mommy was there.

Her mommy was mad that she was in jail,
So she wouldn't let the little girl cat out,
And she wouldn't give her any food,
And the little cat sat and cried. Meow! Meow!

Depressing, huh? After each verse I'd say "How sad!" And Bridget would say, "Yeah, it's a sad song!" Then she'd burst out laughing, then continue. Silly child. Now she's running around pretending to be Thomas the Tank Engine with Maggie.

Gosh, it's been a long time...

2010-03-27T03:28:00.000-07:00

...since I posted. About 1/3 of a year.

I keep meaning to, and then not...

What's up?

We've moved. To a house. We are loving it. Lost a pool but gained a backyard, extra bedroom (used as playroom/tv room/guestroom) and washer/dryer. Plus clothesline. Totally worth it.

Maggie has started reacting to soy through breastmilk (yes I'm still nursing her) as well as in her regular diet. So she and I are both 100% soy-free. Thankfully I've found more soy-free foods-- even tater tots, and fast food, when we want junk. ;) Also graham crackers, saltines, etc.

Jeff's work is going GREAT. He even gets home before 10 most nights even though it's tax season. And he gets along SO WELL with his boss. He's realized that his boss being from the South makes a difference-- he "gets" Jeff's attitude (which is kind of more laid-back and externally calm than most people out here are used to.)

I'm doing a lot more CPST work. USA Baby in Burbank has my cards and I get a lot of calls and occasional e-mails. I also do the occasional presentation/lecture/Q&A session there. Loving it. Sometimes since we're in tax season I do checks in our garage (oh yes, we also have a 2 car garage, though currently 1 car's worth is full of, um, stuff we haven't unpacked and my car seat collection) and that is great for me, adult interaction is wonderful.

We keep getting sick but I think we're finally on the upswing. Dratted colds.

I got a new stroller, Mountain Buggy Urban Double. After a period of panic even though I got it at a great price because it wasn't love at first push, I've begun to really appreciate it. We can still walk to the park and store when we want to and even down to Arnie's Cafe or my dad's. It's great to have a really easy-to-push stroller for that kind of stuff. I do recommend it if you're in the market for an all-terrain stroller; it has it's downfalls but it really does push like a dream. Definitely one to consider.

Emma has booster-trained, though she sometimes still wants to ride in a harness. She and Bridey have both passed 40 lbs. now and we still haven't had the money to get a Radian 80SL or XTSL so they have to forward-face. Maggie is 36 lbs. and rear-facing. As she approaches 40 we WILL find the money for a higher-weight rear-facing seat, because I will NOT turn her so young!

Emma got 3 teeth extracted. Her permanent teeth are coming in behind instead of below, and so won't push the baby teeth out, but the baby teeth get in the way. So they have to be pulled. Jeff had the same thing. She also lost a front tooth naturally. So now she's all gappy and impish-looking. It's cute and strange at the same time. Definitely makes her look older.

I've been on the compy a lot less because there is so much more to keep up with! But, the house is staying in reasonable condition. So much so in fact, that we are hosting Easter dinner and egg hunt this year, for my mom's family and some of our friends. Lots to plan, followed by 2 birthday parties (a "Ladybugs' Picnic" and a "Luau." Fun!)

Emma is reading really well. About second-grade level stuff now. We've pulled back on writing for now. Once she's an independent reader at a 2nd or 3rd grade level, we'll focus on writing. Then math. I aim to have no more than 15 minutes of sit-down "work" a day right now, and lots of outside running around and playing. Since we moved here our grocery bill has about tripled because the children EAT ALL THE TIME. They have also grown like weeds. I'm counting this as a good thing.

As you can see I still have a weird sleep schedule. Sometimes I can sleep, sometimes I can't... It's usually better but every once in a while I have one of these weird nights when I'm just not able to sleep no matter how exhausted.

So, that's it. And hopefully I'll come back to blogging in the next few months, I think it's nice to get everything spit out on the screen. Cathartic, kind of. ;)

A Five Year Old Brain and Sound Symbols

2009-11-18T17:57:00.000-08:00

Emma is learning to read using Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons. We've started and stopped several times since she was 4 1/2 or so. This time we haven't had to take a lot of breaks or repeat lessons. We do about 4-5 lessons in a week, one a day (so most days we have one.) (Bridey is allowed to do reading if she wants to but only if she asks, which so far is about once every 2 weeks. She does well when we do them though! I ask Emma if she's ready for reading most days. Most days she says "Yes" but if she says "No" I don't force her. Some days she brings me the book eager to do it at that time, so we do it then.)

She's at the point (lesson 16) where I can see things really beginning to click in her mind. She's starting to really get the concept of "sound it out"-- say the sounds on the page without stopping, and they are strung together into words! Amazing! Her face lights up when she comprehends that she just read a word all on her own. Having seen when her brain wasn't quite ready for it, and seeing how quickly the lights turn on, so to speak, when she is ready, it's amazing to think about the capacity of a human brain to make symbols for language and learn to interpret them.

I mean, language in itself is amazing. We not only have the physical ability to make sounds, but to express complex thought through a series of them strung together and assigned a meaning-- and once we start learning the meaning of these sounds we have an almost unlimited capacity to learn more. Learning a new set of sounds (another language) is more tricky, but the younger we do it the better we are at it.

And we've learned to make written symbols for these sound-symbols. Having worked a bit with adults who did not learn to read as children, and watching a child in the prime learning-to-read age, children have it so much easier! The quickness with which the connections are formed and the interest in forming them seem to come together at this time in a conjunction that is very fruitful-- she learns the lesson and it really changes her whole though pattern, without her consciously re-training it, just by repeating what I say and playing these little "games" with me.

I don't remember learning to read, really. By the time I was 4 I was sounding out words, by kindergarten I was immediately placed in the highest reading group-- the kids who came in already reading, or very close to it. So I don't really remember this wonder, this lighting up of the whole being at being able to read. But it's great to watch it in her. It's marvelous, in fact. It really cements my happiness that I chose to be the one to do this with her, not send her away from me to have someone else do it. I'm loving seeing her make connections and learn things every day. I can't wait until she's a strong enough reader to read books on her own and come to me and discuss what she read in them-- comprehending these little symbols really does open up the whole world of stories, thoughts, and ideas. I am, in fact, thrilled to have front-row tickets to watch her journey.

The Safety 1st Complete Air Convertible Review (or, how I got 3 rear-facing car seats in our Corolla)

2009-10-02T02:19:00.000-07:00

Most of you reading this probably know that I'm a CPST. Most of you have probably also heard that rear-facing is the safest way to ride. If you haven't, check out this video:

Rear Facing is Safer

While EVERYONE is safer rear-facing, evidence (real life statistics as well as crash tests) shows a significant decrease in injuries and deaths when children under the age of 4 are properly secured rear-facing rather than forward-facing. Nor is 4 the limit; the benefit just becomes less and less significant after that-- but it's still there, and still the safest way to ride as long as the child is within the limits of the seat (in the US that means has one inch of shell above the head in most seats, though in some it's even with the shell, and is under the rear-facing weight limit.) The American Academy of Pediatricians has recommended since 2002 that all children should ride rear-facing to the limits of the convertible seat, and also recommended that manufacturers make seats large enough to accomodate the average 4 year old (40-45 lbs.) Seats are just starting to be released that can actually do this in the U.S. (If friends in Europe are reading this, in Sweden seats are available that rear-face even longer by weight, though about the same length of time by height-- since Swedish seats can typically be used rear-facing until the ears are even with the top of the shell. These seats are approved for use anywhere in the EU. If you'd like more information on them, please check out this site: carseat.se.)

Bridget is under 4, so there is a clear benefit to her rear-facing. While the benefit is not as clear for Emma, she really really really wanted to. And it is safer, though not as measurably so (part of that is that we don't have much data on rear-facing past the age of 4, as it's an age when even Swedish seats are often outgrown.) When one of my Radians' rear-facing limits was retroactively raised to 40 lbs. (applies to all Radians manufactured 9/08 or later) I turned Bridget back rear-facing. Emma got very jealous. She said it was "so comfy" (I let her ride in it one day) and "so safe" and she cried every time she had to get in forward facing.

Now, I'm not advocating giving in to a child's tears ( ;) ) but it's safer; we had the means to get a Complete Air (used the 20% trade in deal at Babies R Us to recycle a near-expired, unknown history seat we had been given and Jeff had a big check) and, well, it made my life easier... Emma loves being rear-facing, is "comfy", takes naps in the car again (which she had quit when forward-facing, for the most part), and loves the expanded view she has out the rear as well as the side windows.

The Complete Air is currently a Babies R Us exclusive (though also available at some Toys R Us stores that have a Babies R Us section.) We got the "Harvest" cover, which is an awesome orange and brown (the other cover currently available is a rather meh grey.)

I put the Complete Air behind the driver's seat in our Corolla. It was not very easy to get all three in and independently tight, and they have a slight tilt from the retractor I used to lock the belts (but not enough that it bothers my kids or that I worry about it.) The Complete Air needed a chunk of pool noodle under it in order to get even the maximum upright allowed angle of 30 degrees from vertical. (I didn't mind, I keep pool noodle chunks with me... And I rather expect that of most seats in our Corolla-- an '03, by the way. Be aware that newer models have prohibitions on car seats, or anything else, touching the back of the front seat.) I had to pull the cover up to access the belt path in order to tighten adequately, and it was difficult to get it back down. I scraped my knuckles a bit too (not uncommon with Dorel seats, unfortunately.) But the end result was that it was in, and all seats were independently tight (less than one inch of movement at the belt path if you remove the seats next to them and tug where the belt goes through.)

Emma, at 5 1/2 years old, has tons of room to grow by height (the Complete Air allows use until the head reaches the top of the headwings-- which go two inches higher than the shell!) She is on the third of five sets of harness slots rear-facing (straps come from at or below the shoulders rear-facing, at or above forward-facing.) She is above the stated height "maximum" of 40 inches. However, manufacturers put a height maximum on because they have to, not because there really is one. Every child will fit a seat differently at the same standing height. That is why these "maximums" are really more guidelines than set in stone-- and while the company will, for liability reasons, stand behind them, well, they're not really important, safety-wise. (Weight limits, on the other hand, should be followed exactly.) Where the head and shoulders hit is the important thing, and by those guidelines, she has a ton of room to grow. (Dorel is ALSO well-known for their idiotic height maximums which really have nothing to do with reality of how a child will fit the seat.) As a technician and as a mother, I am very comfortable using her in this seat to the maximum weight limit despite her being over the "maximum" height guideline. She currently has about 2 lbs. to gain before she will outgrow it by weight (well before height.) This is an excellent choice of seat for tall and skinny kids!

Emma loves the colors of the cover. I like that the seat is easy to wipe clean, though the quality could be better (especially for the price tag!) I prefer a seat that allows rear-facing tethering or has an anti-rebound bar-- this one does not. However I would choose it again anyway, because right now it is our only practical available seat to rear-face behind the driver's seat (the Radian installs too reclined to allow the seat back as far as my husband needs it in our car.) The headwings move with the harness, and are easy to adjust when installed. I have not had problems reaching the tightening mechanism. The tightening mechanism is also very smooth (though I don't have to use it much because of the continual loop routing of the harness strap.)

There are a few drawbacks. The straps tend to twist and need to be untangled every time. The crotch buckle falls under Emma's bottom and has to be fished out. There are no strap covers-- not a problem for her but might be for less narrow kids (if so, you can cut the toes off of baby socks and put them on the harness for neck protection and comfort.) Most significantly, it is not the easiest seat to install, and the bottom harness slots are amazingly high. It shouldn't have been too much trouble to put one more, lower set in. As it is I fear we will see many babies in this seat who have just outgrown a 22 lb. infant seat with a shorter shell, and do not yet fit it by height, especially if installed less reclined (as mine is.) That is something I hope to see remedied in future redesigns (as well as a reconsideration of the idiotic 40 inch height "limit" for rear-facing.) Also, the forward-facing harness weight is only 50 lbs.; while this should be more than adequate if Emma still needs harnessing once outgrowing it rear-facing by weight, a heavier child might reach that weight much earlier. It has tall enough top slots that I would love to see a 60 or 65 lb. weight limit on it.

Overall, though, I'm pleased with the seat, would recommend it, and would buy it again.

Here is our three across.

Our long term (okay, in the next few weeks) plan is to get a new Radian XTSL seat, which will rear-face to 45 lbs., and have that over where Bridget's current seat is (and move hers to the middle for Maggie.) The way Bridey and Emma gain weight, I'm thinking that Emma should be able to rear-face at least until 6-- at which point, provided she demonstrates that she can sit properly, I will be comfortable boostering her (if she wants to use a booster, and as I said if she is behaviorally ready. I'm thinking the Britax Parkway Slide Guard...) For now, we are quite happy with this setup, and the safety and comfort it affords our children.

Maggie's latest "accomplishment"

2009-09-20T23:18:00.000-07:00

Maggie, after months and months of me trying to get her to, finally learned to sign "please" in church this morning.

Of course, after doing is several times, she then refused to sign it to Abba. Only when she's alone with Mommy.

Heheheh. Typical.

(Don't you love how they each come out with their own personality?)

When they grow up

2009-09-18T12:57:00.000-07:00

A thread over on car-seat.org got me asking my kids what they want to be when they grow up. Emma has a whole list:

-a magician
-a firefighter
-a mommy
-a "cooker at Souplantation"
-and "I want to take a car seat class like you so I can teach parents how to put in their child's car seat!" (That would be a CPST. ;) )

I asked Bridget and she said, "I'm a Bridget! I want lunch!" *giggle*

Bumbleride Indie Twin Giveaway

2009-09-14T23:13:00.000-07:00

Kate at The Shopping Mama is giving away a Bumbleride Indie Twin stroller. It's a really cool stroller, folks. Head on over to her blog post about the giveaway to check it (and the super-cool stroller) out!

Ugh.

2009-06-17T00:52:00.001-07:00

Maggie's been reacting to something. We're reasonably sure at this point it's soy. The store had ONE kind of soy-free bread today, and it was $3/loaf. For a small loaf. Ugh.

I think I'm going to have to get a breadmaker. (I Don't Do baking in the oven for anything more complicated than baking powder biscuits or a cake now and then. If it takes a rise, I don't bake it. Not from scratch anyway. We don't have room to rise anything!)

Anyone got recommendations for a compact, reasonably priced, well-performing, super-idiot-proof bread machine? I'm talking, "dump dry ingredients in. Dump wet ingredients in. Push no more than 2 buttons. Remove bread and eat it." That's what I need.

Summertime, and the livin' is... rainy?

2009-06-15T15:11:00.001-07:00

We've been having "June Gloom" here. Not every year, but some years, it happens. It happened 6 years ago (wow, that long) on our wedding day. It rained out my little brother's birthday party many a year.

I kind of like it. (Well, when it doesn't drive my ring ceremony/wedding reception indoors in a tiny living room packed full of 80 people!)

It's a nice break before the heat of July and August. I like the grey skies, a change from the blazing sun we expect much of the year here... I actually love the weather when it's like this, as long as it doesn't ruin my plans!

On to other subjects...

We have a new bishop. So funny because I've been feeling for a few weeks we were going to get a new bishop. When they made the announcement I was out in the foyer with Mags. Later Jeff and I both agreed that as soon as we heard he was to be released, we knew who was going to be called as our new bishop! Funny how that works...

I went to a really fun baby shower Saturday night. I love baby showers. I really do. And afterward, I did a car seat check-- always fun! I found out that the woman whose seat I checked, one of my new best friends in the ward (they just moved in) lives literally a 1 1/2 minute walk (if I walk slowly!) from our apartment complex! She has an 11 month old and is due with her second in August... I think we will be over there quite a bit in the Fall! It's a hard adjustment sometimes to go from 1 kid to 2, I know from experience! And she's having them much closer together than I did, that can make for a hard few months as well, I've heard. I'm so glad to have a friend that lives so close. I don't think we'll ever be quite as close as my "BFF" Rayann and I are (we live halfway across the country from each other but we're close nonetheless) but it's nice to have a real friend in the ward, not just a friendly acquaintance you care about but aren't close to and don't "share" with.

Also, someone on car-seat.org found a company that is still writing liability policies for CPSTs, and I called up and found out that as a volunteer (I never take any money for my services) I can be covered at a discount (50% off the employed rate.) Woo-hoo!

A friend from my childhood found me on Facebook. It's so nice to hear from her. She and her parents are still in the area; I'm hoping some time to get together and meet her kids!

Jeff's little brother left for his mission. He'll be serving in the Washington Tacoma Mission. What's really funny is that Jeff guessed he'd be in Spokane! He was closer than anyone else in the family! We know Kevin is going to be a wonderful missionary. He's a great guy and Tacoma is lucky to have him.

Jeff's first day at his new full-time job today. It's going well, from what I hear so far. I'm really happy he's at a place he likes.

We have a new plan. Since Jeff will be getting home relatively early from the new job, every evening when he gets home we'll be doing a 30 minute cleanup. Everyone (well, not Maggie but everyone else) will clean, together, just for 30 minutes a day. We have some cleaning that needs catching up and seeing as Maggie doesn't let me put her down much right now (teething) and the kids can destroy 3 times as fast as we can pick up, I think putting them in charge of helping undo the damage they've done is a good idea. We'll do it 5 or 6 days a week until the entire place is really in order. (I'll also be de-stuffifying during this time, and try to get rid of 2 or 3 bags of stuff a day.) Then we'll scale back to just 10 minutes a day, and keep that up for, well, forever. We're hoping that this will work!

So, things are... going, here. Hope all my readers are well. :) Let me know if you want to hear more about a certain subject... I sometimes have no clue what to blog about. ;)

New Job And Assorted Other Stuff

2009-06-02T23:35:00.000-07:00

Jeff has officially accepted a new job. It's a good one-- good pay, good hours, not too long of a commute, doing something he likes. Yay for Jeff!

He should start next Monday. So we're running around doing anything we need to before he starts!

I have my CPST kit together and have done a few checks (at a safety fair and I also do private checks.) It's a great kit. I'll take pics some time. :D

We've had a crop of babies in our ward, well, will soon is more accurate. So we've had a bunch of baby showers. I love baby showers. There was one a few weeks ago, another in a few weeks, and I've volunteered to throw one for a mom I've made friends with (they're new in the ward.) It's her second boy in rapid succession so we're planning it for the month AFTER the baby is due, as a "meet the baby party." So we can all take her kids and give her a break, and do something nice for her at the same time. (I offered her a shower and she wasn't sure, I brought up that idea and she liked it a lot more.)

So of course I've also been hitting sales and SHOPPING for baby shower gifts. That's my favorite...

Emma is FINALLY getting her dental work done in a few weeks. She is excited-- we found a new dentist that she REALLY REALLY likes (their office is FULL of toys, why would she not?)

I had a good birthday. I guess. Am I really 26?

Anyway, things are pretty good right now. Relatively speaking. I hope they continue to be so.

A Butterfly Song by Emma

2009-06-02T23:26:00.000-07:00

Emma is running around naked, with her towel spread out as "butterfly wings," and singing a song. She runs and hugs and cuddles Maggie and then goes away again, all the while singing:

I am a butterfly
I love you so
I warm you up
Holding you close to my heart.

I am a beautiful butterfly
See my wings open and close
My beautiful wings
See? They are green wings.

I am a butterfly
I cozy you up to warm you up
I kiss you and love you
I am a beautiful butterfly.

I am a beautiful butterfly
I once was a caterpillar
Now I am a butterfly
A beautiful butterfly with wings.

I am a butterfly
I kiss you and cuddle you
I warm you up with my wings
And then I go away.

I fold my wings and hold them close
My green butterfly wings
I am a beautiful butterfly
And I know butterfly songs.

I fly around on my wings
I am a butterfly
A beautiful butterfly
And I make you warm.

Isn't that lovely? I thought it was very sweet.

Then she fell down and started screaming. Oh, well.

Life goes on...

2009-05-01T22:16:00.000-07:00

...and I am a bit overwhelmed by it sometimes.

I know I haven't posted in a long while. The last day of tax season Jeff (and other employees; like maybe a fifth to a quarter of the total employees) got laid off. So I've been proofreading resumes, etc. as he searches for a new job.

We've been doing all the normal stuff, and trying to catch up on what got left behind during tax season. Tomorrow we are going to drop the kids at my mom's while we go to the laundromat and do scads of laundry.

Bridget has been super-cranky the last few days. I have a sore throat and icky nose, I wonder if she does too?

We are still trying to find a dentist who will work on Emma's teeth. We've been trying for a year. This last open enrollment we switched to a different dental plan, we still can't find someone who will see her sooner than six months from now. One tooth is almost gone it's so decayed (she has very soft teeth. We take good care of them but when her adult teeth come in I'm going to have them sealed. She just has like no enamel for some reason.) We did finally get an appointment for the renal imaging she needs done. I don't know how she's going to do with that, it's a shot and then she has to lay still for at least half an hour while they do multiple five minute series of images. Hmmm. I don't know how they expect a five year old to lie still in a strange place while nervous for that long with no sedation... We'll do our best though.

I did some water aerobics in the spa today. The girls (well Emma and Bridey) were in with me and copied. They thought it was fun. The neighbor kids thought we were insane, but I don't care; they're kind of rude kids a lot of the time anyway...

I got an awesome stroller, carrycot, and European infant seat (which will not be used to transport a child, of course, but is fun for the kids to put their dolls in in the house) last week and it's really nice. And it cost very little-- especially compared to the price I looked up for it!

I am super stoked for my class next week. I think I am just going to have a fantastic time!

We had the girls' birthday party. I'll post an account and pics when I get them off the camera; my mom took the box it was in home with her and we haven't got it yet.

So that's life right now... Hope you reading this are all well. :)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!

2009-04-04T13:56:00.000-07:00

Someone stole one of my Radians! Maggie's! :(

They were drying right outside our door (enclosed, hidden area, behind locked doors in a gated entry building...) I just can't believe that one of my NEIGHBORS did this. :(

I hope they at least find out how to use it correctly. *sigh* (The instructions weren't with it.)

The really sad part is that I have an extra Recaro Como sitting in my living room that I would have given away if a neighbor knocked on my door and asked for a car seat. And instead they violated the trust of our community in this way. It was gone when Jeff got home last night, within about a 2 hour window. I didn't hear anything. I checked all over hoping it got moved but nope.

I also put up a sign (even offering a reward, no questions asked-- also letting them know it was thrown up on...) hoping it would be back this morning. But no. It's gone. :(

This is really upsetting. I think what is most upsetting to me is that it's a seat with a definite learning curve and without the instructions, it's almost certain to be misused.

A week of cleaning car seats...

2009-04-03T23:23:00.001-07:00

I feel a song coming on:

Bringing in the seats,
Bringing in the seats,
I shall come rejoicing,
Bringing in the seats;
Bringing in the seats,
Bringing in the seats,
Though washing's not my fav'rite task,
Cleaning the car seats!

Yeah.

Earlier this week (we've all been sick) Bridget threw up in her car seat. And Emma's. And all over the car. So I got to take all 3 seats out (well, Maggie's was dirty too), wash 2 covers (M's just needed a shake-down and a wipe-down with a disinfectant wipe), and while I was at it I did the spare Radian that we'll be putting in my mom's car tomorrow, since the buckle was sticky (again, just a good shake-down and wipe-down.)

Then I also am getting rid of (sold 1, gave away for shipping 2 others) 3 of my "extra" car seats that were just hanging around. (The Scenera, the Cosco HBB, and the SnugRide, if you were wondering...) So I've been wiping/shaking down and washing up those, too.

It's actually kind of cathartic, methodically disassembling, cleaning, drying, reassembling, and checking for errors all these seats...

Plus, I get to put them back in.

I do love a good car seat installation. (And we're having the car detailed in a few weeks so I'll get to do it AGAIN!)

And, it made room for the new ones. Well, I have a Como (actually I have 2; I had 3 but I am trying to get rid of one still, sold one on eBay) and I got one that is not technically a "seat" but a "child restraint." It's a Ride Safer Travel Vest. Emma tried it on and we got it all adjusted today. Tomorrow she gets to ride in Grandma Pam's car in it! She will be in the middle, between Bridey in the Radian and Maggie in the Uptown. I am actually rather stoked because until now if Grandma Pam wanted to take them anywhere we've been switching cars, because she has a Sentra. 3 kids in restraints in the back of a Sentra is REALLY difficult. This is, like, history-making. ;) I think it's really exciting and cool, but now you all probably think I'm really weird...

Hee hee hee, car seat FUN!

2009-03-21T17:27:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited! I am now registered for a CPST Certification Course in San Diego May 4-8! I have been wanting to certify for quite a while and I'm so excited.

We will all go down there and the kids will have a vacation with Jeff while I take MY vacation taking the course. It will end at 5 each evening so we can do fun stuff in the evenings together if desired. And at the end of it I will (assuming all goes well) be a certified Child Passenger Safety Technician! I'm really thrilled because we have a real lack of technicians around here and I hope to be able to help a lot of parents. :)

For once a milestone when we were ALL there!

2009-03-13T03:08:00.001-07:00

Tonight, while the kids were having a late-night before bed snack, and I was making turkey lasagna for Jeff's dinner tomorrow, and Jeff was keeping Maggie away from the rest of us, Jeff yelled, "She took a step!" I looked over and there she was, balancing, standing, one foot in front of the other. I said, "Take a step, Maggie!" She looked at me, rather befuddled, and so I held out my arms to her. She took 2 more steps! Then she fell, and began crawling toward me, and then got mad when Jeff picked her up and kept her from crawling to me (after all, I had put my arms out to her! The nerve!)

It was only 3 steps, but it was the first time she's done more than try to put one foot in front of the other and fall down or zoom along while pushing the turtle push-toy. I think within a few weeks she will be walking all over the place! Wow! I'm really glad we were all there to applaud for her and witness her first steps. :D

Things you don't want to see

2009-02-13T23:59:00.000-08:00

Trust me on these:

-Your four year old suddenly fall down and start seizing
-Your BIG tall four year old looking tiny as she lays, extremely sick, in a PICU bed in a hospital gown with a hep lock in her arm boarded and wrapped in gauze to keep her from pulling it out, her face gaunt with discomfort and pale and flushed with fever.

Emma had a febrile seizure when her fever apparently spiked from 99 to 104-ish. She apparently has a UTI-- not that she complained or anything, and she only had one day of symptoms. It was scary, but she's been released, it probably will never happen again, I'll probably write more on this later. For now I'm just glad she's going to be okay.

Let's Go To The Movies

2009-02-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

(Remember that song? I spent entirely too much time singing along to the Annie soundtrack record-- yes, it was a record-- as a kid.)

I could not stand being home any more with the kids but wasn't feeling well. I hit on the idea of a movie. I was a bit nervous because Emma and Bridget had never been to the theater before (Maggie has. We take her along on our dates, she's so clingy.) We went to see Hotel For Dogs.

The movie was okay. The experience was great though! I have to say, after 9 on a weeknight is a great time to take kids for a first movie, because you get the WHOLE THEATER to yourself (in a PG rated film anyway.) Bridget ran up and down a bit and Emma asked lots of questions, but no one cared because we were the only ones there! We had popcorn and lemonade and the kids loved it all. Bridey got a bit antsy toward the end but I let her out in the aisles as long as she stayed close. She cracked me up, there was one scene where the dogs are all running down the street and Bridget yelled, "Come give me hugs, doggies! Mommy, the doggies not listening! They won't give me hugs!" LOL!

Anyway, it worked so well-- I got out of the house but didn't have to walk around, just sit-- that I have told them we can do it again in a month or two. Now hopefully something else will be out that they can see by then!

It's raining

2009-02-09T02:43:00.000-08:00

and so, I can't sleep.

So here are my assorted thoughts about our weekend.

Maggie stole dairy food AGAIN and ate it. So we gave in and got her some yogurt at the store. She doesn't seem to like it much. Oh well, the other kids will eat it. And she's not reacting so she now has a wider variety of foods she can eat (eggs are the only major allergen she hasn't had yet. Well, eggs and nuts.) Maybe she will like cheese better.

We've all had a nasty cold. (Maggie had a fever for 2 days and refused to do ANYTHING but nurse. Non-stop. First baby I ever knew to get sick and GAIN weight; she put on about a pound in 2 days!) Just as we were starting to get on the upswing of it, Jeff got it. Luckily he's recovering quicker than we did, since it's back to work with him.

We went out to dinner on Friday night (really late-- 24 hour diner) and checked out the hotel next door to the restaurant (also close to Jeff's work.) We decided to go there next weekend for Valentine's Day. Should be fun!

I untangled Emma's hair. It was really bad, since she'd been sick and I'd not had a chance to brush it. Poor kid. She was really good about it for the most part though. Bribery helps. She got a piece of candy afterwards. She has just enough of my curl to get really tangled really easily.

Took framed pics of the girls over to my aunt and uncle's house for my Uncle Bob's birthday. He loves them, they will hang on the wall where he can see them. :)

The Carmax guy called us, we may have found the car we want... We'll see if it works out! *crosses fingers*

Okay, not about this weekend but a week ago I got a SafeGuard Child Seat. Loved it so much I got another. And I don't even have a car they will fit in yet... It's a really awesome seat, I'm so excited to use it, and I got a great price. I may do a full review with pictures some day. But for now, check out their website here. If you want to know where to get it muuuch cheaper than the $420 list price let me know and I'll share...

I made too much ratatouille for Jeff's dinner co-op so we are having some too (if the kids will eat it...) If it stops raining we will go to the store and get rolls to go with it. I have to get rye bread for Tuesday's dinner anyway, the store was out, and I just think rye bread or pumpernickel goes better with cabbage soup, don't you?

Um, I guess that's it. Can't think of much else. Tired but can't sleep. Want tax season over. *yawns*

I would like to know why...

2009-01-28T23:03:00.000-08:00

...Maggie will allow Emma to hand-feed her fruit puff snacks, Cheerios, bread, and other objects of interest, but insists on taking the food from my hand with her fingers and putting it in her mouth herself.

Tired

2009-01-26T16:42:00.000-08:00

Jeff went to Oakland Friday and Saturday. Actually left Thurs. night. Not fun. Went to my mom's and Bridey didn't sleep, so none of us did. Friday night we came home. Kids slept 15 hours. Then we went back to my mom's until Jeff got home. The kids love grandma. She plays Play Doh with them. (I am a jerk and hate Play Doh and won't let them touch it unless someone else is around to play with them and clean up.) Emma wants to go over there and play Play Doh again some time on her day off.

Last night I made the first crockpot meal for Jeff's work-- lasagna. I'm going with fancier stuff first to "wow" them so everyone will want to participate. ;)

I took the girls out today and we went to the post office to mail a package, then the store to pick up a few things I need for tomorrow's dinner, plus milk and tangerines. Then we went to the park, had our snack, and then came home. Bridey screamed and didn't want a nap but she was exhausted and went out. Some movied I bought from someone on a forum came, and Emma is watching Sleeping Beauty. Maggie is out and I'm resting too.

Not much else going on. Bought a new car seat last week, getting another one next week. They're very awesome and 60% off!

I should be doing dishes or laundry but I'm tired and I'm not.

life happens

2009-01-16T14:30:00.000-08:00

So I've not been much in the mood for long blog posts. But I thought I'd do a general update.

-Jeff has started working long hours. The good news is that he doesn't go in until 10 (or doesn't have to anyway.) So if he stays up late because he doesn't get home until after 9 and then Maggie does her not-sleeping routine (which has been happening lately) he has a chance to get at least SOME sleep.

-Bridget has gone to dance class twice now. She likes it, she says, but she needs to work on her listening skills. Or maybe just her following directions skills. ;) A new little girl just joined their class yesterday who is a few weeks younger than her, so she is not just the odd one out being so young.

-I finally gave into Maggie's pathetic face yesterday and let her have some pita bread. I usually don't give wheat until 9 months but she hasn't had a new food in a while and she's almost 9 months, it's only a few days' difference really, so... Yeah. Maggie LIKES bread. I don't give her bread with egg in it of course, or milk, but simple breads like french bread or pita or Arabic bread that are just wheat and/or wheat/barley flour, water, salt, yeast, etc. she can have now.

Other than that, not much else is new. The kids make a mess, they break stuff, they fight; they play nicely, they share, they pray for each other and help with the baby. It's life, what can I say?

New Project

2009-01-13T18:21:00.000-08:00

Not doing much with it yet, but you can check it out if you wish. :)

KY Yours + Mine

2009-01-06T01:20:00.001-08:00

Ranks right up there with KY Warming Gel.

No adverse reactions, even from super-sensitive me.

Heartily recommended.

That is all.

Know I've been MIA...

2008-12-30T23:30:00.001-08:00

...sorry 'bout that.

Lots going on;

Ward Christmas party. Fun. Mostly. Emma was a sheep for the Primary songs. Very cute.

Emma has a UTI. Found out on Tue. right before I was going to finish my Christmas wrapping. Upside: she can now take a capsule.

On the 24th I found out the Baby Center Store is closing and scored a half-price Sunshine Kids Monterey booster for my friend's son (glad I acted fast, they sold out quickly.)

Christmas was fun. Stockings, lots of food, nap, more food... Good times. Pictures, maybe someday. ;) (They're on the camera, just don't know when I'll get them on the 'puter...)

Saturday, went to IKEA, then Carmax to put in an alert on our dream minivan (well mine), and Emma bumped her head, hard. Big goose egg, from the side of the car door she ran into. Had to stop at CVS for an instant cold pack (and another to go in the trunk) and got her calmed somewhat. Then the grocery store for brussels sprouts for the next night, then rented WALL-E (had promised Emma could watch it by that weekend even if it didn't come from Netflix, where we've been in the queue since before it came out. They still have a "very long wait" so we coughed up $6 (!) to rent it for 2 days from Blockbuster. Then returned it and promised she can watch it again when it comes in the mail.

Sunday, went to my aunt's for dinner for our family Christmas with them (my grandma and great aunt Reba were in town too) and Jeff's birthday. Dinner was yummy; prime rib, ham, biscuits, boiled peewee potatoes, broccoli, macaroni and cheese, salad, and the brussels sprouts which I totally made unhealthy. Kids had presents and some granddaughters visiting a neighbor came over and did some Irish step dancing for Ems and Bridey, who loved it. The night went downhill fast from there. Drama with my brother. Happy birthday Jeff. Won't be going anywhere where he is again for a while. *sigh*

Today, called my friend Rayann, whom I haven't spoken to lately with all the craziness in both our lives. Going to try to make it a habit to call once a week or so.

Not much else going on. Looking forward to Jeff having the day off for New Year's and the day after-- another 4 day weekend. But, no big plans. *sigh* I used to have such fun NYE but now even being up at midnight is not a big deal, I'm usually up at midnight tending to a cranky baby. Oh well.

Oh, did I mention my cousin Mark's wife Hope had their second baby a week or 2 ago? Silas James. Very cute, and a name to match. (I love the name Silas!) Healthy and happy, mama too. Big brother doing pretty well with it so far, apparently.

So, like I said, just frantic activity lately but doesn't seem to go anywhere, nothing gets done 'cause we're never home! But soon enough it will be tax season, not really looking forward to that. But I am looking forward to it being over so I guess you can't have one without the other, lol.

Busy busy busy.

2008-12-14T20:26:00.000-08:00

It's been a hectic week. Last Sunday Jeff and Emma went to church; I stayed home with Maggie and Bridget because we couldn't risk Bridget getting sick (she keeps catching stuff at church.) It worked, she stayed healthy enough that on Tuesday she finally had her broken tooth extracted (and a bunch of other work done.) She'll get her prosthetic put in on Jan. 9 (they took the mold Tue.)

Friday we were supposed to go to Jeff's work Christmas dinner, had my dad lined up to watch the older 2 and anything. We'd been told that we could bring Maggie-- but on Wed. they changed their minds and said no. Okay. Their loss-- I hear with all the people that weren't able to get sitters not there it was rather dull. WE on the other hand had fun; we went out to dinner at Outback instead. After dinner we browsed the Linens and Things going-out-of-business sale and picked up a heated matress pad for half off ($40 for a dual-control, king-size pad.) Oooh, that's gonna be nice with it so cold. Now, to get the apartment complex to fix Bridget's window, which the landscaping people broke last summer and they STILL haven't fixed...

We finally got all our stuff finished for the Hatrack gift exchange (we were running late this year.) Finally got it all together and boxed up and out on Saturday (only one day late...) Yesterday we took those to the P.O. and also got other stuff ready for Christmas (stocking stuffers at Big Lots, using up the $10 coupon we got the Sat. after Thanksgiving, thrift store for the rest. Emma and Bridget are each getting a nap pillow/blanket set; Maggie is getting some new bath towels since our old ones are rather trashed; each girl gets one new dress-- well, Emma and Bridget are getting jumpers with a blouse/shirt under it, and Maggie is getting a dress-- hers is Land's End, quite a find, Bridget's is pink, her favorite, and Emma's has Tinkerbell, she's on a Disney kick. They're all getting books from us and picked out some to give to each other.)

Today we all made it to church (though Maggie had to go home after Sacrament because she was exhausted and cranky but wouldn't nap with all the distractions.) When they got home somehow Emma's dress got ripped at the waist. It's a brand new dress. (It matches her sisters'.) I am Not Pleased. I will have to figure out how to fix it-- I think I'll have to gather it and then tuck it under and sew it under the seam. *sigh*

We were going to assemble the gingerbread house kit Jeff's mom sent but we all took a nap instead. We'll try to get the foundation together tomorrow so we can decorate when Jeff gets home.

I did get some presents wrapped up this weekend (most but not all.) Emma kept coming in and then saying, "I'll try not to look!" LOL! I had to chase her out by saying, "You don't want to spoil your surprise, do you?" She answered, "No, I will not spoil it!" And finally found something else to do.

We still have to get all the out-of-state presents boxed up and sent (I guess we'll visit the UPS store soon) and there's some more present-wrapping to do-- but first I have to find the other wrapping paper, none of what I have left is big enough! And some cookie baking, I am planning Forgotten Cookies sometime soon. I already made Gumdrop Cookies. Mmmm. I think I need to go eat another one now...

Winter Driving Safety

2008-12-07T23:08:00.000-08:00

Carol, a Hatrack friend, wrote a great article on winter driving safety. I encourage you all to check it out.

She did it as part of a contest, and so would appreciate your comments, as that's how the contest is judged. But it's just darned good advice, and cleverly written. So whether you live where there is regular snow or, like me, have never driven in snow and hope not to, check it out, because the more you know, the more prepared you can be for any situation.

Hey Mamas!

2008-12-03T14:08:00.000-08:00

(Or soon to be mamas!) Enter to win an Ergo embroidered baby carrier! Very easy entry on this one. I like the black. :)

No, dear, I will NOT cook that for your dinner.

2008-12-01T23:59:00.000-08:00

We went to the aquarium on Saturday and learned about all kinds of sea life and food chains and such. I guess some of it sunk in, because today the following conversation took place:

Me: "Bridey, what do you want to eat?"
Bridget: "Barcles."
Me: "What?"
Bridget: "Barcles."
Me: "Sparkles?"
Bridget: "No. Barcles."
Me: "Buckles?"
Bridget: "No! BARCLES!"
Jeff: "What does she want?"
Me: "I have no idea..."
Bridget (bouncing in frustration): "BARCLES! BARCLES!"
Me: "Barcles?"
Bridget: "Yes! Barcles!"
Me (after a long pause to think about it): "...Barnacles?"
Bridget: "Yes! Barcles!"
Me: "Barnacles. You want barnacles."
Bridget (waving her arms around): "Yes! I saarfiss, I eat barcles!" (Translation: "I [am a] starfish! I eat barnacles!")

Ay. You see, they had this "Exploration Center" with dress-up costumes, and she wore the starfish costume for quite a while Saturday and enjoyed it, while we talked about starfish...

We talked her into a quesadilla.

In other news, Maggie (suddenly, this evening) started babbling. She had not babbled at all (I wasn't worried about her verbal development at all; at 6 months she had 4 or 5 signs, so she was communicating, she responds to her name and imitates tone of voice.) Now she has started, though, she won't stop. "Uh ba ba ba ba ba ba!" I think she will soon be saying "na-na" (both other kids' first word), "Mama," "Abba," and possibly "Emma." (Who knows what she'll come up with for Bridget's name. "Buh-buh?")

Big Lots Saturday Deals

2008-11-29T12:02:00.000-08:00

Just got a couple of great bargains! We got a Graco Video Monitor (normally $199; got it for $50) and an Apex 65 car seat (normally $130-ish; got it for $65.) And got a $10 off coupon for being there early. :D The car seat is to replace the backup Bridget has grown out of; it will harness to 65 lbs. and has higher top slots. Nice. (Of course now that my kids all have backup seats that fit, I think Jeff thinks I should be getting rid of the backups that don't fit...)

The prices are all day though the coupon offer isn't. Of note the Apex, while a nice seat, is a bit wide (we have a Radian to go next to it so I think it will still work for 3 across in many situations but for most people, not so much) and needs a headrest or very tall seat back behind it since the top is not reinforced; it is outgrown when tips of the ears go over the top of the seat back or headrest, not just the seat. But on the other hand it does make a decent booster (it is a combination seat that harnesses and then is a booster.) Again, must have support behind it. But all around I am quite thrilled with it because for the price it's an excellent seat! I mean, when can you usually get a higher-weight harnessing seat for $65?

Now I have to go check out the date of manufacture and stuff. :D

And right now I am thankful...

2008-11-27T21:52:00.001-08:00

...to get out of my clothes and into my nightie and lay down!

We had a great dinner with my mom. The kids actually took to heart my talk in the car about being polite and did it! Even Bridget, who I thought was not listening because she didn't say "Okay" like Emma did, instead asking questions about things we were driving past. She must have been listening because she spent the entire dinner asking people how they were doing, did they like their dinner, and how was their day going? LOL!

We got to see my aunt and uncle, my sister Erin, she brought her friend and her friend's 11 year old son, and my grandma was also there. And of course my mom, since it was at her house. :) And the food was great of course! The girls ate very well, and Maggie had a jar of sweet potatoes and some finely-chopped turkey, as well as some Gerber apple wheel snacks. She was very tired and finally conked out, and I even got her to sleep for a while in the play pen.
I got some pics of the girls in their cute jumpers (they all wore jumpers with white long sleeved blouses this year, a very classic look and allowed them to "coordinate" without matching at all.) And Emma even got one of me! But I do not feel like pulling them off now-- so I will try to post them tomorrow or the next day. My aunt gave them markers (washable of course!) and note pads. They adored them. My sister gave us some Shel Silverstein cds the library was getting rid of. My aunt also gave us a pretty dress for Maggie; it's 24 mos. but I think it will fit in a month or 2 because she is so LONG!

For now I am grateful for a nice evening with my wonderful family, my kids and their wonderful behavior (they made me look good for once ;) ) and the blessings of the bounty of food we have, the shelter we enjoy, and the ability to buy clothes for my kids and even get them new ones for Thanksgiving. I just got a new picture of my sponsored child, with his cleft lip repaired, and it is kind of making me reflect on how much I take for granted in being able to provide for my children. And also, that I can now veg out instead of cleaning up since I didn't host Thanksgiving!

Hope everyone had a good one. Happy Thanksgiving!

Portraits yesterday!

2008-11-22T22:47:00.000-08:00

We (finally, now that Maggie is almost 7 months old) got some family portraits done yesterday. We got family portraits done, and I got some of the three girls together, and a few of just Emma and Bridey. (Maggie was not in the mood to cooperate with solo shots, but the photographer pulled some good ones of her from group shots!) It went better than it has before, but we got no really great grins from Bridey. But we got decent shots, so I was satisfied! I had planned to photograph them in their Christmas dresses, but some new dresses came that I got from that Gagas clearance... They were too cute to pass up for Christmas portraits, came with headbands (made doing hair easy) and also, it was easier for Jeff and I to coordinate with! We had a great coupon and got a portrait collage free. We did all our portrait buying for sending with Christmas gifts, etc. We ended up with a lot of portraits! But it was still a great deal because the coupon also gives 20% off. And, they sent me an identical offer that's good through April in the mail. So, we'll be taking them in at the end of December/beginning of January to get those portraits in the Christmas dresses. (Only we won't be in those pictures, and we'll just get 2 sheets of wallets of one pose-- which will be $30 but with the discount, $24, to make it no session fee (regular $15-ish), 2 sheets of wallet size pictures (that's 16 in total), and a portrait collage (regular price $30-ish) for $24. Not bad! Anyway, enough about the great discount and on to what you really want-- the pictures. :D Here you go!

Now I can change my Blogger image! ;)

Household Tip of the Day

2008-11-18T13:26:00.000-08:00

Do not put an unopened (still quality-sealed) plastic-lidded, plastic jar of mayonnaise in the refrigerator. It is shelf-stable until opened and does not require said refrigeration until after you break the seal, and putting it in the fridge before the seal is broken will only cause it to contract and seal even more tightly, making it impossible to open without super-human strength and necessitating running the lid under warm water to warm it up (not the happiest thing to have to do to a jar of mayo) before you can open it for your two year old who is screeching at the top of her lungs, "May-nays! Want may-nays bread kheese!" and getting underfoot as you try to open it to spread it on her bread and make her a cheese sandwich.

(Hear that, Jeff?)

Well, looks like the deal's dead

2008-11-16T19:38:00.000-08:00

Don't know if any of you managed to get it! It was sweet while it lasted though! (We're betting someone got fired over that. But they're legally required to honor that price so we'll see what happens!)

Britax Marathon for the price of a Cosco Scenera

2008-11-16T19:09:00.000-08:00

If you need a new carseat this is the time!!!

In Granite, $42.99
In Cowmooflage, $59.99

Shipping is free. If you have AAA, go through their website. They have a 10% discount. Don't worry if you don't like the cover. Buy it anyway, covers are available for $70 new or considerably less on eBay or Craigslist. You're not going to get a better price even factoring in the price of a new cover!!! I got 3, one for my niece, two for me (everyone needs extra carseats, right?) I'm going to buy my niece a pink cover. Incredible, incredible deals.

Out of stock but still taking orders. Get them before they change the price!!!

Super Deal Alert!!!

2008-11-11T14:20:00.000-08:00

Okay, you all know I'm huge on buying used, not consuming unnecessarily, thrift store shopping, etc.

You also know that that all goes out the window when I find a good deal on matching clothes for my girls. :D

(Okay, let's be honest, I'd buy used if I could and get matching. Sometimes I do, on eBay-- find a Gymboree line a few years old that I like and buy used in all their sizes, for example. But most of the time it's very hard to get what I want in all 3 girls' sizes unless it's new.)

So for those of you who may be interested in dress up clothes (for boys too, not just girls) at incredible prices, check this out: kids' clothing web-rental store Gaga's is going out of business and they have a ton of NEVER WORN dress-up clothes and accessories for boys and girls for sale. You get them to KEEP for less than what their rental price was in most cases, most of the stuff is now 90% off its original retail price. And shipping over $50 is free, no tax; I just got 6 dresses (2 sets of 3 matching/coordinating dresses) plus 3 headbands (to go with one of the sets of dresses) for less than $70 shipped. And these are FANCY dresses. Incredible deal! Go check it out! Be warned that stuff is selling out fast-- I was going to get one more headband, a different kind, for Maggie, and by the time I went to check out it was out of stock. But they still have a ton of beautiful dresses, babies to big girls (and most of them MODEST), as well as adorable suits, tuxes, shirts, etc. for boys! Great time to buy next year's Easter clothes if you're fairly certain of what will fit next Spring, or to buy Christmas clothes if you haven't yet!

(Okay, I know I used too many exclaimation points. But I am SO STOKED about these deals!)

Checkups

2008-11-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Emma had an audiology appointment this morning. All is well, her hearing is perfect. (Now, on to the speech eval...)

Maggie had a well-baby check, too, and shots. We saw a doc we haven't seen before at the clinic. Nice but said things in a weird way. Had to ask her what percentile Maggie was in because she was trying to tell me she's the "weight of a 7 month old" or some such nonsense. (She's six months, so quite obviously, she's the weight of a six month old. She happens to be in the 80th to 95th percentile for weight, that's all. Of course, since she's above the 97th for length, when you look at the weight-for-length chart, she's actually only in the 50th percentile for weight-for-length. She's not really that chubby, just BIG.)

While we were there, I weighed and measured Emma and Bridey too while Maggie was in getting her shots. Measurements are with shoes and clothes so not as accurate as could be but a good estimation.

Here's everyone's stats:

Emma: 41 inches tall, 36 lbs. (That makes her 75th to 90th percentile for height, a little under 50th for weight, according to the CDC. They have her BMI as being in the 25th to 50th percentile. Are they counting kids in third world countries? She's healthy but thin.)

Bridget: 37 inches tall, 34 lbs. (That puts her in the 97th percentile for height, around the 95th for weight, and the CDC claims she's obese based on her BMI. Um, no... She's not as skinny as Ems but not by any means obese. Talked to my mom; she says BMI is spectacularly inaccurate for a highly muscular child, which she definitely is. And both of them go up and down in weight depending on what time it is, when they last ate and how much, when they've had a bowel movement, etc. So I'm not really worried about that; in fact, to the contrary, I take it as a sign all that activity is building some good muscle. When she's charted on the 0-3 weight-for-length chart she's only in the 70th percentile or so, another good sign.)

Maggie: (get ready for this one!) just under 28 inches long, 18 lbs. 13 oz.! BIG girl! And about 14.5 inches of that is in her torso, she is ALL torso. She is already close to outgrowing the Scenera rear-facing by height, which Bridget did not do until, well, around the time she outgrew it by weight! She's almost to the fourth slots on her Radian. I seriously worry about being able to keep her rear-facing until she hits the weight limit! It may not happen!

Anyway, they're all growing well, all tall as they've ever been. I am starting to buy 12 month clothes for Maggie; Emma is a 5T (in tops and dresses at least) or sometimes 6 and Bridey is a 3T, 4T, or sometimes 5T depending on the brand. Wild! I'm taking advantage of them all being in "infant/toddler" sizes at once to dress them in matching clothes if only for a few months, though!

Been busy...

2008-11-03T15:37:00.000-08:00

Went trick or treating for Halloween. (May have pics at some point, may not.)

Traded beds with my aunt (her king for our full) and all the attendant cleaning, moving of furniture, and hauling of mattresses to make that happen.

Bridget has a snotty nose and cough; think Maggie may be coming down with it.

Trying to keep the kiddos from going crazy with the candy (which is kept out of reach and rationed out); last night Emma said a prayer before her dinner (they were eating before us) that went, "Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day, please bless that I will grow strong and healthy and not eat too much sugar..."

Grumpiness seems to abound anyway. Emma was making upset noises and I asked her what was the matter. She said, "I'm not going to tell you." I asked why not, and she replied, "Because it's JUST MY answer! I'm not going to answer you because it's my answer!" *sigh* Four year olds...

Keep getting annoying political calls. We voted 2 weeks ago (we're permanent absentee voters.) Can't wait for the stupid thing to be done with.

Maggie is crawling (not creeping, up off the ground; crawling, like a Marine.) She also rolls very precisely in the direction she wants to go. This is quite a leap from a few days ago. She seems to enjoy it. Likes to play with anything she can get her hand on, and shred paper like the cats do. Has destroyed 2 books so far ("We READ the books, we don't EAT the books" has become a common refrain.)

Went to the library two or 3 weeks in a row now. Getting to be a tradition now, after dance class on Thursdays. I think I like it. It seems good for me. Just found out that you can now pay your library fines online (for a long time you could view them and pay by phone, but they've added a credit card interface, apparently.) Coolness.

Finally decided what to make for Christmas gifts. Can't wait for Thanksgiving. Jeff is taking time off that week. Not sure if we'll get out of town or not. Hoping so, really want a change of pace.

Feeling very good some days, weepy and frustrated others. Some days I'm upset with myself and disappointed in how little self-control I seem to have, how I sometimes snap too readily at my kids. I think I need to remember that this is a partnership, not just between me and my husband, but between us and Heavenly Father. They're His kids, too, and I can ask Him for help in parenting them the way He wants it done. But it's hard to remember that when you have a migraine and they WON'T stop jumping on you and they're making messes in the room they've been told not to enter and breaking things and life just makes you want to cry and scream in frustration. Other days they are a joy, helpful and kind and loving with each other, and that makes me ashamed I don't treat them all the time the way I want them to treat each other.

I think the election is adding a lot of stress to our household, on top of the rest of it. I'll be REALLY glad when it's over. Did I say that already? Also dealing with multiple insurance companies and agencies trying to get Bridget's tooth covered. We're about ready to pay for it ourselves. Why do we have insurance if we have to pay for it out of pocket or wait eight months to get a potentially life-threatening condition treated? So annoying.

But then the weather is changing and that makes me happy. I try to find happiness in the small things around me that I enjoy. I try to do things that make me happy and help the kids do them too. Bridget likes to be read to and get to sit in a lap. Maggie likes just about any one-on-one playtime. Emma loves to help me cook. I try to let her as much as possible because that is a GOOD habit to develop. Personally, I would love to get away to a little cafe/bookstore, sip a cup of cocoa, eat a yummy sandwich, and read some good secondhand mystery. Very unlikely that will happen, though... Oh, well, at least I can go to the library and snatch a few words here and there from a good old Mary Higgins Clark (whom I have just discovered, after years of rather unintentional avoidance, that I really like.)

Primary Program

2008-10-19T22:52:00.000-07:00

Today was the Primary Program. Emma behaved so well! She sang, she spoke when told to (though when her teacher whispered her part to her she said, "No, you have to say it louder!" LOL, guess we stressed that a little too much...) She needed me to sit with her so I sat with the Sunbeams in the first row. They were SO reverent during the Sacrament! I was impressed. They all sat and folded their arms and bowed their heads, took the Sacrament reverently and did not chatter or play, and even the counselor who was conducting noticed and thanked them for their example and reverence.

Toward the end of the program they got a little restless (they were up and down but didn't go up for some of the songs-- including Emma's favorites); the little boys were drawing and one of the girls was on the floor, and when they went up Emma kept leaning forward trying to monopolize the microphone (thanks for teaching her that, Dad! LOL!) But they got through without major misbehavior and the rest of the Primary (almost all of them were there-- about 22 kids in all) were great too. It was very sweet (and of course we made the bishop cry, I love our bishop.)

Anyway, it was Emma's first time in the Primary Program and I was very proud; she's getting better about things like when she's "moved" by the counselor who never seems to remember that she doesn't like to be touched, and speaking or singing on cue (instead of when SHE wants to.)

It's so hard being apart from each other!

2008-10-17T00:47:00.000-07:00

That's what Maggie and I think.

Tonight we left the girls at my aunt's while we went to visit my uncle in the hospital. (After being told he probably was going to die, he is now on his third day off the ventilator and may make it home by Halloween!) The hospital does not allow ANY children under 12 through the doors, period (it's a respitory hospital with patients very susceptible to disease; hand-washing is also enforced. Maggie is eating real food now and will take a little water from a cup so I fed her before we left and hoped for the best.) I had a bit of a panic attack as we drove away without her. I'm still feeling the effects of those first few nights away from her. :( This was my first time away from her (well, I've been in the other room, but not much further than that) for more than half an hour, and that was when she was with Jeff.

I cut his hair for him, and cleaned his nails too. We called on our way out (after a little less than an hour away total) and heard that Maggie had been crying and had just stopped. My aunt had fed the girls but we had not eaten so we drove through In-N-Out. We had considered going someplace a bit nicer but I could not be away from the baby any longer, especially knowing she had been crying. :(

I think the crying was mostly gas. But now she is all fussy again. She doesn't seem to want anything but to be with me (which is hard on my stomach because she also wants to kick me in the gut.) But her crying is better than not being able to hear it.

I REALLY need to tell my doctor next time about all this and that I do NOT want to go through it again. :/

(The fires are mostly contained today, thanks for all your thoughts and prayers!)

Thoughts and prayers appreciated:nearby fire, ward members evac'd

2008-10-13T05:05:00.000-07:00

So we went to church yesterday and the chapel looked really empty. In Relief Society I heard why: half the ward had been evacuating their homes because of a wildfire in the Angeles Crest National Forest and nearby Lakeview Terrace.

The fire is only 20% contained and we're having Santa Anas. (Santa Anas are a particular kind of strong, dry wind; they're usually warm but right now they're accompanying colder weather.) The wind is bad enough it's keeping me up tonight and my toddler keeps waking and crying because the winds are howling and rattling so hard.

Apparently yesterday smoke and ash was being blown all the way to Malibu (which, strangely, meant we got no smoke only a few miles away because it was all being blown the other direction.) But anyway, the forest is really beautiful, my friends (and their animals-- the area is zoned for horses as well as chickens, goats, and house pets) have been evacuated, and the Wildlife WayStation animals are caged and ready to be evac'd if necessary. It's scary to me to hear the winds howl, knowing they're fueling and spreading the fire and putting people's homes and firefighters' lives at risk (the lives, of course, being more important than the homes, but the homes not being negligable.)

If you've got a moment, please send good thoughts/vibes/prayers for the brave men and women who are battling this fire, and those who have been displaced, as well as the animals and the forest if you are so inclined. It would mean a lot to me to know that other folks are thinking of our area and our firefighters.

Emma's first dinner guest

2008-10-09T21:46:00.000-07:00

Today we went to the store after Emma's dance class and she wanted to buy all kinds of veggies. So I asked if she wanted to make vegetable soup. She said yes so I let her choose what went in it (cannelini, potatoes, barley, carrots, celery, green beans, etc.) I chopped and she stood on a stool and sauted and stirred (she also helped wash the veggies.) She wanted someone to come eat it with us! So Grandpa came over and had some veggetable-barley soup and biscuits (she helped put them in the pan to bake them) with some green plums we'd got and I sliced and Dove Ice Cream Mini-Bars for dessert. We all liked it and she was very proud! (Of course she and Bridey spent as much time running around-- we ate outside 'cause it was hot in here and gorgeous outside-- and telling knock-knock jokes as eating...)

She really loves her Abba.

2008-10-07T19:02:00.000-07:00

Maggie was laughing and playing with me, nice full tummy, happy baby. We heard Jeff get home; she stopped playing and looked around. We heard him in the other room. She started to pout. He talked to Emma. She started screaming. Not pain or hunger screaming, upset screaming.

He walked in. She stopped screaming and smiled, went to him and laughed.

I guess she's gotten used to him coming in to say hi to her and hold her as soon as he gets home, and she was upset that she was not getting her attention and games and kisses from Abba!

I think this makes him feel wanted. I think it's awfully sweet.

The Christmas Shopping Rules

2008-10-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Since TX Mommy asked, I thought I'd post them here.

I love Christmas, but we try very hard to not bust our anti-consumerism stance or our budget at Christmas. As such I've developed some rules.

Our Christmas shopping rules are that:

-I buy things dirt cheap on clearance throughout the year for the Gift Closet. These include things suitable for baby gifts, adult gifts, and kids' gifts. They're usually things that would cost $10 to $30 that I get for $1 to $5 on clearance/sale/couponing. Also may include things that we recieve and wish to "re-gift" (we put a post-it note on saying who we got it from so we don't re-gift inappropriately.) Occasionally something smaller than $10 like a nice candle that I get on clearance with a coupon. These are also used for baby showers, birthday gifts, etc., and mean I always have something on hand for an "emergency gift" too. After-Christmas sales and the Sears, JCP, and Gymboree clearance-on-clearance are heavy contributors!

-"Santa" brings one new toy or game or etc. per kid. One. Period. If it's really large, it's a joint gift. Budget is about $20 to $30 per kid for this gift and if we can we get it cheaper; that means we need to know who wants what from "Santa" well in advance, and Santa stops listening after about early November most years. ;)

-"Santa" also fills the stockings. Stockings are re-used from year to year and each person has their own, of course. Stockings will contain a tangerine each (it's not Christmas without the tangerine! Like I used to, Ems and Bridey will go for the tangerine before anything else! When we were in Richardson they were Clementines because nothing else could be found but out here they HAVE to be Satsumas!); some candy (including at least one piece of See's chocolate; another tradition), mostly bought on sale with coupons; one or two beauty or hygeine item each (examples from past stockings include dollar store hair bow sets, fuzzy socks, toothbrushes, Disney "magic towel" bath mitts, etc.), and occasionally some stickers or a small $1 toy. This is rooted in what was in stockings when I was young and is very tradition-oriented. Stockings are always opened before presents! Babies of course have special stocking stuffers-- they get a small toy or a paci, maybe a hat or some cute socks or a hair bow, possibly a bib or onesie (thrift store or $1 bin at Target), and a baby food dessert (like Gerber's Dutch Apple Dessert, for instance), which we usually do not buy. Budget is about $5-$7 per stocking per kid, less for adults.

-Kids' gifts from us will consist of some clothes, some books, and a few small toys or some videos. These are all purchased at the thrift store, used, with the occasional exception of a heavily clearanced outfit. We very much do not want to buy new for the bulk of these gifts.

-Kids' gifts to each other may be chosen from the thrift store once they are old enough to shop (Emma started at around 3) or may be picked out from the Gift Closet (with guidance from me) before then. Babies do not "give" gifts to their sibs, this is only for kids old enough to want to give a gift to the others.

-If a situation arises in which kids are giving gifts to friends, they need to earn the money and spend their own money toward it, if it's their own idea. They may choose one from the Gift Closet if it is a socially mandated gift (going to a church party and have a Secret Santa partner, or something like that, would be an example.)

-With the exception of children, all relatives (grandparents, aunts, etc.-- meaning our parents, my sisters, etc.) and close friends get a home-made (or home-assembled, at least) gift of some sort, often consumable. These are mass-assembled as a family project.

-Nieces, nephews, and second cousins' gifts are bought on clearance or chosen from the Gift Closet; on my husband's side the cousins each give to one randomly selected cousin so instead of each kid recieving 2 gifts (since there are 3 sibs with families) they each only get one from the cousins; cuts down on "stuff." We send cards to each other but do not give gifts to each other.

-My darling husband and I don't give formal gifts to each other. Instead, we discuss something we really want, often something the whole family will use, and buy it together, on sale or, preferably, used. Likewise, we don't conspire to have the kids buy gifts for each spouse in secret (unless we happen on something perfect at the thrift store.) We have too much stuff already. (If they wanted to do it in secret and made it or spent their own money we'd let them, of course, but we don't instigate it.) Some years we may choose to save our money and later put it toward a vacation or a date instead.

-As much shopping and planning as possible should be done early! If I can be done with all things that are to be bought and have the materials for our project by November, I'm happy. Usually at least something is done last-minute but it does at least cut down on the haste and stress, and makes for better deals!

We do participate in the Hatrack gift exchange each year, but the limit on that is $10 and make-it-yourself is strongly encouraged, so we never break the bank. Following our Christmas shopping rules for family and close friends of the family means that we have more time and money to spend on something fun like that! We usually go out and do all our Hatrack shopping in one day, box everything up, and mail it. I like to get it done well before the deadline. :)

So in re-reading some of the rules I think some of the wording is not as clear as it could be... If you need clarification just ask! Of course the rules get "bent" here and there-- but we try to stick to them when possible! I really like keeping things as simple as possible. We have found that we all really appreciate the thought behind gifts more than anything, so do our families, and that the kids could not care less if their stuff is used when they get it. In cutting back on the Christmas budget and stress, we are able to appreciate Christmas itself more.

Yep, she's four.

2008-10-03T03:47:00.000-07:00

Emma's current favorite joke (which of course, we hear ALL THE TIME):

"Why was Tigger in the bathroom?"
"Because he was looking for POOH!"

Dinner tonight...

2008-09-29T19:53:00.000-07:00

...was a hit, and was easy and cheap, so I thought I'd share!

It is HOT today and we didn't feel like doing much. But boiling a pot of water isn't too hard and doesn't heat up the house too much.

Last time I was at Trader Joe's, I spied (and picked up) some dried three cheese tortellini. Jeff boiled those up and we tossed in a jar of garlic basil pasta sauce. We had that with Private Selection organic baby spring mix, croutons, and dressing of our choice.

The tortellini were tempting even before we added the sauce! They fill the house with a delectable cheesy smell. The tortellini are $1.79 for a bag; a bag makes about 5 servings. The jar of sauce, with coupon, was $0.90 or so. So, main dish for all of us for $2.80-ish. Emma, who grumped when we told her what was for dinner and said she did not WANT pasta, ate a large-ish serving and asked for more. Bridey asked for seconds and thirds.

We've been really into the Private Selection organic baby spring mix lately. PS is a Kroger brand (around here that means Ralph's.) If you buy the small container it's a bit more expensive, but if you buy the large container it works out to about the same price per ounce as the regular bagged salads-- and they're not organic, or usually as fresh! Once I open it I stick a paper towel in the top to absorb condensation and change it every few days, which helps keep it un-wilted. A large (recyclable) bin will last us for about a week, sometimes more, depending how many days we have salad. Even the kids adore the baby spring mix (which is a tad less bitter than mature) if they get to choose their dressing. And let's face it, around here, salad is more likely to be eaten if it comes in pre-prepped.

So all in all, we ate about $0.60 worth of salad and "fixin's." Grand total: $3.40 for all of us. Not bad at all for a "convenience foods" meal!

Did I mention Maggie REALLY likes sweet potatoes and turkey?

2008-09-28T21:58:00.001-07:00

So much that she tried to feed herself.

This, of course, necessitated a bath. But she has outgrown the sink now. So, we got out the duckie tub that we used with Emma, since she doesn't sit up yet so is not quite big enough for the regular tub.
She seemed comfortable enough once she figured out what it was about.

She liked playing with the rubber duckie we gave her.

Until she saw her feet, that is.

She was not so sure about being shampooed and rinsed off.

But she was very cute once she was all clean!

Gobble Gobble

2008-09-25T23:22:00.000-07:00

Maggie woke up hungry and I realized she hadn't had her "real food" today. So I suggested, since we haven't tried her on a new food for a while, we try a jar of "turkey and sweet potatoes." (She'd had sweet potatoes before but this was her first meat.) She loved it! She ate half a jar (minus what ended up on her face, chest, hands, Exersaucer-- where we feed her-- and in the folds between rolls of fat on her neck, lol!)

All my girls have been quite fond of turkey and sweet potatoes both, so I'm not really surprised... It makes me a little sad and proud at the same time to see her getting so big, though! I just can't wait to see her get as big as her sisters, and at the same time I wish that day would hold off forever and she could always be my baby. It's one of the paradoxes of motherhood (or I suppose I should say, parenthood); you simultaneously are excited for every milestone, and wish they could stay little forever. I think it is probably because we know that things only get more complicated; we want to protect them and keep them from harm forever, because we love them so much. But at the same time we know that it's right and good and necessary for them to grow and develop. *sigh*

I guess that's why I'm starting to hanker for another one...

It seems to run in the family...

2008-09-25T22:02:00.000-07:00

Emma and I were watching some Irish Dance videos on YouTube. Emma has been asking to take Irish Dance since she was about 20 months old. (I think she'll probably get to next year, maybe the year after that. Depends when we get a second car!)

Bridey climbed up and watched, enthralled, then pointed her little finger at the screen and yelled, "I want do that!!!"

Maybe next year I should take them to the Irish Fair so they can watch some live. They would ADORE that!

200 Things

2008-09-24T00:19:00.000-07:00

Got this meme from TXMommy.

You can do it too!

Copy the list, bold the ones you have done, leave the ones you haven't un-bolded (did I just make that word up?)

Things I have done are bold.

1. Touched an iceberg
2. Slept under the stars
3. Been a part of a hockey fight
4. Changed a baby's diaper
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Swam with wild dolphins
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a tarantula
10. Said "I love you" and meant it
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long and watched the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
20. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Bet on a winning horse
23. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping
27. Taken an ice cold bath
28. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Ridden a roller coaster
31. Hit a home run
32. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
33. Adopted an accent for fun
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Felt very happy about your life, even for just a moment
36. Loved your job 90% of the time
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Watched wild whales
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Gone on a midnight walk on the beach
41. Gone sky diving
42. Visited Ireland
43. Ever bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
44. Visited India
45. Bench-pressed your own weight
46. Milked a cow
47. Alphabetized your personal files
48. Ever worn a superhero costume
49. Sung karaoke
50. Lounged around in bed all day
51. Gone scuba diving
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater
55. Done something you should regret, but don't
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Been in a movie
60. Gone without food for 3 days
61. Made cookies from scratch
62. Won first prize in a costume contest
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Been in a combat zone
65. Spoken more than one language fluently
66. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone - verbal not physical
67. Bounced a check
68. Read - and understood - your credit report
69. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
70. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
71. Called or written your Congress person
72. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
73. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
74. Helped an animal give birth
75. Been fired or laid off from a job
76. Won money
77. Broken a bone
78. Ridden a motorcycle
79. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
80. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
81. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
82. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
83. Eaten sushi
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Read The Bible cover to cover
86. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
87. Gotten someone fired for their actions
88. Gone back to school
89. Changed your name
90. Caught a fly in the air with your bare hands
91. Eaten fried green tomatoes
92. Read The Iliad
93. Taught yourself an art from scratch
94. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
95. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
96. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
97. Been elected to public office
98. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
99. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
100. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
101. Had a booth at a street fair
102. Dyed your hair
103. Been a DJ
104. Rocked a baby to sleep
105. Ever dropped a cat from a high place to see if it really lands on all four
106. Raked your carpet
107. Brought out the best in people
108. Brought out the worst in people
109. Worn a mood ring
110. Ridden a horse
111. Carved an animal from a piece of wood or bar of soap
112. Cooked a dish where four people asked for the recipe.
113. Buried a child
114. Gone to a Broadway (or equivalent to your country) play
115. Been inside the pyramids
116. Shot a basketball into a basket
117. Danced at a disco
118. Played in a band
119. Shot a bird
120. Gone to an arboretum
121. Tutored someone
122. Ridden a train
123. Brought an old fad back into style
124. Eaten caviar
125. Let a salesman talk you into something you didn’t need
126. Ridden a giraffe or elephant
127. Published a book
128. Pieced a quilt
129. Lived in an historic place
130. Acted in a play or performed on a stage
131. Asked for a raise
132. Made a hole-in-one
133. Gone deep sea fishing
134. Gone roller skating
135. Run a marathon
136. Learned to surf
137. Invented something
138. Flown first class
139. Spent the night in a 5-star luxury suite
140. Flown in a helicopter
141. Visited Africa
142. Sang a solo
143. Gone spelunking
144. Learned how to take a compliment
145. Written a love-story
146. Seen Michelangelo’s David
147. Had your portrait painted
148. Written a fan letter
149. Spent the night in something haunted
150. Owned a St. Bernard or Great Dane
151. Ran away
152. Learned to juggle
153. Been a boss
154. Sat on a jury
155. Lied about your weight
156. Gone on a diet
157. Found an arrowhead or a gold nugget
158. Written a poem
159. Carried your lunch in a lunch box
160. Gotten food poisoning
161. Gone on a service, humanitarian or religious mission
162. Hiked the Grand Canyon
163. Sat on a park bench and fed the ducks
164. Gone to the opera
165. Gotten a letter from someone famous
166. Worn knickers
167. Ridden in a limousine
168. Attended the Olympics
169. Can hula or waltz
170. Read a half dozen Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys books
171. Been stuck in an elevator
172. Had a revelatory dream
173. Thought you might crash in an airplane
174. Had a song dedicated to you on the radio or at a concert
175. Saved someone’s life
176. Eaten raw whale
177. Know how to tat, smock or do needlepoint
178. Laughed till your side hurt
179. Straddled the equator
180. Taken a photograph of something other than people that is worth framing
181. Gone to a Shakespeare Festival
182. Sent a message in a bottle
183. Spent the night in a hostel
184. Been a cashier
185. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
186. Joined a union
187. Donated blood or plasma
188. Built a camp fire
189. Kept a blog
190. Had hives
191. Worn custom made shoes or boots
192. Made a PowerPoint presentation
193. Taken a Hunter’s Safety Course
194. Served at a soup kitchen
195. Conquered the Rubik’s cube
196. Know CPR
197. Ridden in or owned a convertible
198. Found a long lost friend
199. Helped solve a crime
200. Responded to a NJP newsletter

If you copy this, leave me a link in the comments so I can read yours!

Jaden got her new carseat!

2008-09-23T13:41:00.001-07:00

She got her Regent yesterday. (I bought it during the recent Britax sale. It was her birthday present.)

She loves it!

The Regent harnesses to 80 lbs. with a top harness height of 20 inches. Jaden is 4 years old, 43 lbs.-ish with about a 16 inch torso. She has years to grow in it!

I'm ecstatic that she likes it. By Texas law (where she lives) she could have been in a seatbelt only when she turned 5 OR was 36 inches tall (which she was at 3!) even though it is not safe to put children in an adult seatbelt only until they pass the five-step test. And if there aren't enough seatbelts, by Texas law children can ride held in a lap! :0 That blows my mind, and makes me really sad, that the Texas legislature cares so little about the safety of children. Luckily, her mother and father know better, and want her to be as safe as possible! Hopefully Jaden will be a good example for the other children around her and tell them how safe she is riding in her big-girl seat! (Hey, I've already got my four year old saying, "That boy needs a carseat" and "that baby has a belly clip!" LOL!)

That child is STRANGE...

2008-09-15T23:02:00.001-07:00

Jeff is chasing Bridey around trying to get her ready for bed. She's running around, talking to herself. She asks, "What you doing?" and answers, in a high, thin voice, "I freaking out!!!" She does this over and over again. She is so odd sometimes...

(Just a minute ago Emma mentioned Grandma Pam's house and Bridget heard. She said, "Grandma Pam, house? I LOVE Grandma Pam, house!" So cute.)

Britax Fall Sale is here!

2008-09-15T18:43:00.000-07:00

This is a twice a year event; if you're looking for a higher weight harnessing seat or just want a really stylish one, this is a great opportunity to get a good bargain! See my sidebar full of information if you want to know why it's a good idea to keep your children rear-facing and harnessed longer than the minimums!

I won't try to list all the deals here; Baby Cheapskate is tracking the deals, check it out!

Jaden's Regent was bought today and should get there next week or so!

An emotional weekend

2008-09-14T21:38:00.000-07:00

Friday was Jeff's day off. We got calls all day about Uncle Bob's status, and finally went to see him in the evening. We only went in for a few minutes. Since he's in the critical care unit overflow, the girls couldn't go in at all... (I had been asking my dad that and it would have been nice if he would have just read the sign and told me that. All he would say was he didn't know if it was a good idea, he never said it was a rule.) At that point they were not thinking he was going to pull through. Today he is given a 90% chance of survival.

Let me backtrack a little. Thursday we found out that he was going to the hospital. He has ALS, as I've mentioned before; he had pneumonia, a really bad case that had progressed to sepsis. And of course because of the ALS it's harder for him to fight things off, especially things that involve breathing.

It was really hard to see him in the hospital. While we were waiting to hear if he'd even be awake for us to go see him and such, we ended up going to the thrift store. I did find some awesome books. I listed them on eBay but if they don't sell I think I'm keeping them!!!

Then Saturday we got up early and I headed to choir practice. After I got done with that we went to my mom's house but on the way hit a yard sale. I got a Pack and Play for $3, and a whole bunch of clothes for the girls (mostly winter clothes for Bridey; Emma skipped from a 2T to a 4T and Bridey is firmly a 3T, we don't have a lot of clothes that fit her, but a few for Emma and Maggie, too) for 25 cents a piece. Then we went to my mom's; her former boss (retired) was there, and they took pictures of Maggie doing different things for a presentation they're making for parents on what to do and not to do to ensure a nice round head in your baby (preventing positional plagiocephaly, which has spiked really high since the "Back to Sleep" campaign started, with proper positioning techniques, tummy time, etc.) She made us spaghetti for lunch. We all enjoyed that.

We didn't make the evening session of Stake Conference Saturday night because it is "adults only" and there's no way we could keep the kids under control and not disturb people, and we didn't have a babysitter.

This morning we were at the Stake Center at 8:30 for choir practice again. When we finished the last song, Bridget was ready to go, poor thing! (It did not make sense for them to go home and come back because they'd only end up with 15 minutes at home or so before it was time to come back-- and they'd lose the sweet parking spot we scored, actually in the SC parking lot instead of in the school parking lot backing up to the SC, so 10 minutes less of walking, and even in the shade!)

Stake Conference was good. I heard a lot of things I needed to hear. In particular I loved the Primary President's talk. I really needed that one, though she directed it to the children it was for the parents just as much. And I was interested to hear the big focus on getting out of consumer debt; our stake has been challenged by our Stake President (who used to be my bishop and I love him and his family so much) to be consumer debt free by 2010 (this is not inculding houses and school loans but is including cars, credit cards, and everything else.) Luckily we are in a position where we have already been able to start paying this debt off. We may have another car payment by then, but are hoping to have it mostly paid off. (We will have to get another car if we have another child, because we're using all the seats in our Corolla right now!) And there was also emphasis on teaching our children and those around us good spending/saving habits. The Primary children are going to be provided with savings banks from the Stake Presidency that have 3 parts; one for tithing, one for saving for a mission or education, and one for spending.

The choir was so big we overflowed the rather poorly designed loft, and three or four of us had to be down on the pews and walk up. However we had less than we had thought so there were 3 empty rows that had been reserved for us; I volunteered to sit down there and got to have my family with me. A very nice lady held Maggie through much of the meeting so I could get up and down with the choir. Emma fell asleep on the pew; Jeff took Bridey and later Maggie too to the Nursery room (where they had toys out and also had a video feed from the chapel so the adults could hear the talks.)

I had an asthma attack near the end. It was pretty bad; it took 6 hits from my inhaler to even start breathing properly and 2 more before I was completely breathing. I was shaking so badly from the albuterol when we got up to sing the closing number that I forgot I was supposed to sing second soprano until halfway through the verse... Oops... I did manage to hit the high note at the end, though. (One of the first sopranos couldn't hit the note so she switched parts with me just for the last line.) We sang my favorite arrangement of "The Spirit of God." I really love this one because it's so powerful, especially if you think of it the way I do, as a metaphor. See, it starts out with a solo tenor voice. Then the tenor is joined by a baritone. Then they are joined by a small group of men, then all the men, then the women, and in our case we added the congregation on the last verse. I think of it like a metaphor for the growth of the church and it has always added a lot to my appreciation of the piece.

So anyway... It was a weekend of ups and downs. I don't really know how much longer Uncle Bob is going to last. As much as for his sake I hope he does not have to suffer too long in a body that doesn't work while he retains full consciousness of what is going on, I hope for our sake to have him a little longer. It's confusing and it hurts and... Well, I guess I will just have to try to appreciate whatever time we are given to be with him. There are some things I want to do with him. I want him to hear Emma do her reading lessons before he goes, that would make him so proud (he's one I really talked things out with before deciding to homeschool, before his diagnosis and before he went downhill so fast, physically speaking.) And I want him to see Emma dance. And I want him to see Maggie grow and Bridget mature. But I don't know how much of that will even be possible (well, in this world. I'm sure he'll care for them after he is gone. But you know what I mean.)

This dying stuff is hard. :(

Laughing baby

2008-09-10T01:57:00.002-07:00

Maggie's been "half-laughing," just a little "heh," for a couple of months. Tonight (while I was in the tub, of course) Emma got her first "real laugh" out of her. Emma's first laugh was when Jeff had a cold and was coughing. Bridey's was at being tickled. Maggie's was at her sister playing with her. Emma was clapping her hands in Maggie's face and saying, "Be happy! Be happy! Not sad! Be happy!" in a silly voice, trying to keep her from fussing. I'm not sure if it was the clapping (Jeff says she kind of flinched and laughed every time she was clapped at) or the silly voice, but something did it, and she laughed! I love their little laughs when they first start. Maggie's is a surprisingly low (for her), full-throated chortle. It's adorable. :D

My helper

2008-09-09T22:16:00.000-07:00

Somehow I haven't been in the mood to blog much... I did do some interesting things done this weekend, but didn't feel like writing them up. We went for Korean food Saturday with Jeff's Korean-American co-worker and his girlfriend (who he's been dating, like, longer than Jeff and I have known each other!) They ordered. As a result I'm not sure what all I ate but I know it was delicious!!!

Anyway, today Emma has been my helper. I had a bad migraine, it started out atypical with just a lot of vertigo and some light sensitivity, but progressed to headache and auras and even short blackouts quickly enough. Jeff came home at lunch and got the kids food and Bridey down in the crib for a nap before he left (which she eventually took) but in the meantime Emma brought me a diaper, water and lemonade mix to make them drinks, even washed out the cup Bridey wanted to use (with soap and everything!) Then she was very good all day. She got herself snacks when she needed them, poured her own drinks, brought me diapers and such when I needed them. She was very good. And she fed Maggie her cereal tonight (that has been her job lately since we found out that Maggie eats better for her than for either of us!) I'm just very proud to see how she can really help out when I really need her. With ALMOST no complaining...

Tonight we had pizza and salad for dinner. Jeff at first neglected to give the kids their salad (which is nothing but organic baby spring mix with dressing.) They both DEMANDED IT! You do not know how funny it is to hear a little two year old voice saying, "Gimme sah-lat! Sah-lat! Pweese!" and then chomping down on spinach and red leaf and green leaf lettuce and all other kinds of raw greens until you've experienced it... Then Emma had to have some too, of course! Oh, Bridey also stole her Easy-Up when Jeff wasn't looking and tried to put it on herself, too! And she has been BEGGING, "I want go dance class! Dance class please!" *sigh* They grow up so fast...

First day of dance class

2008-09-04T22:21:00.000-07:00

Emma had her first day of dance class today. There were only 2 students in her class today (including her.) One more is signed up but wasn't there today. Her teacher is very sweet. She didn't listen as well as she could have during the first part of the class (ballet), except when they got to wave ribbons around, but she really seemed to enjoy the second part of the class (tap.) She is way more into tap than ballet, well, I already knew that... She really wants to do Irish dance still, we'll see if she gets better at following directions! Here are some pictures from today:

This is Emma ready to go, dressed and hair carefully pulled up and clipped out of her face. (Bridey ran in as I was taking the picture.) Note the little backpack; she used to carry her clothes and Pull-Ups to preschool (and papers and used clothes home) in that, now it holds her dance shoes (and during the week her dance clothes, which she is wearing in this pic. The t-shirt comes with the yearly registration fee, and the pants she picked out herself, at Target.)

Here she is waiting for the teacher. There's a little area outside her classroom (the little ones are in the smallest classroom.) They have water dispensers which were a BIG hit with both girls. Here you can see her ballet shoes (kind of.)

This picture (and the others that look like it) are poorer quality because they're shots of the tv monitor that parents can view the class on CCTV on. Here you can see Emma not quite cooperating with the stretching...

Here's Bridey, she wanted her picture taken while Emma was in class. She played with Maggie, ran around, and later I got her a coloring book and crayons (which they keep in the main waiting area) and she colored Cookie Monster blue, all on her own, with no prompting and very carefully.

Here Emma is starting to get into it a little more, and is at least attempting the arms over the head. The other little girl who was in her class is a few months older than her, but has been taking ballet at The Little Gym for a year so was more experienced with the ballet they did.

This was the only part of the ballet portion of the class Em really seemed to like a lot, you can see her getting into waving the ribbons:

...and not listening when told it's time to go put them away, and going running off to the side and keeping on dancing with them instead!

After a water break and changing shoes, they started tap, which Emma enjoyed more. Unfortunately Maggie was fussing at that point and I don't have as many pictures. But here is Emma watching intently what to do with her feet...

...and enthusiastically copying it!

Here is Emma and her classmate, it was a bit of a trick to get them both smiling at the same time, as the little girl's one year old brother had spilled water on Emma and so she was having a sensory fit, and the girl did not know me and was a bit hesitant to smile for a stranger's camera.

So that was the dance class, it went as well as I had expected and I think as Emma gets more used to the teacher and the setting, she will do better and will be more willing to try things and follow directions. I'm really glad we enrolled her. Now, Bridey kept trying to run in and dance, too... She even tried to put on a pair of tap shoes someone had left in the cubbies in the waiting area! They have one class a week for kiddoes her age, I suppose we will have to consider enrolling her. (But it's in the morning. When she's usually asleep. Not that she wouldn't leap out of her crib joyfully to go dance...) Anyway, we're considering it!

All of our homeschool stuff is getting into swing... Emma's writing stuff is on the way and our reading book has arrived (though I decided not to start it until we can do writing and reading together, that should be next week, after we tried one lesson.) This is our important social event of the week as well as P.E. So I guess you could say we have officially started homeschooling even though so far it's just dance class! Yippee!

Labor Day Weekend

2008-09-01T22:27:00.000-07:00

Just thought I'd catch everyone up on what we've been up to this weekend...

Thursday night Emma got home from her last day at preschool (both happy and sad) and we signed her up for dance classes. She was excited!

Friday we just kind of hung around, then went to Target. We got some socks and pants for her dance class (turns out they don't have to have leos yet; just comfy shirts and pants or shorts, and appropriate shoes. That's a relief because I did NOT want to pay full price for a white leotard, which is the beginning ballet uniform at her school! But turns out she's not in beginning dance, technically, she's in the "tots" class instead. Well, that saves us some money!!!)

Friday night we went to dinner at Souplantation. I love Souplantation. And it's cheap; Bridey is free, Emma is less than $2, we always have coupons and save a dollar or so on our meals, and the kids' drinks are free because we purchased kids' cups for them a while back, which you can bring back and reuse without charge.

Saturday morning we went to Grandpa and Grandma Sheri's house; Grandma Sheri had picked up some not-used-looking tap shoes (they weren't worn in the bottom at all, so Emma will actually wear them) and we tried them on, and figured out that one pair will fit. Then on to the shoe store, and got some nice dress shoes for me and Jeff, ballet shoes for Emma, and new tennies for Bridey, who had outgrown hers (again!) Then on to Maggie's checkup. She is now 25 inches long (and half of that is in her torso! Literally, 12 1/2 inches...) and weighed 14 lbs. 7 ounces at her check (right after throwing up, hadn't eaten for a while, and with a bone-dry diaper!) That's the 75th %tile for height, 50th for weight. The doctor was very pleased. She slurped down her Tylenol, more evidence of her readiness for solids (she's been just CRAVING them for a while now... The doctor okayed her to eat them because she has good head control, is 4 months, has just about doubled her birth weight, and is SO wanting them!) She got 3 shots, the same ones she got last time (everything recommended except for the rotavirus vaccine, which we are not comfortable giving her at this time.) She was pretty good the whole time but did not like the shots. I took Ems and Bridey out while she got the shots, and while we waited I weighed them, too. They've gained some weight (after holding steady for 1/2 a year for Bridget and almost 2 years for Emma!) Emma weighed 37 1/2 lbs. fully clothed and shoed and Bridey weighed 35 lbs. They were running around too much to get them measured or I would have measured them too, I know Bridey especially has been shooting up!

Sunday morning we ALL made it to church for the first time in, well, a while. Sunday evening I thought I had a meeting but I had put it down for the wrong day... Ooops. Oh, well, it was the same time as stake choir practice so at least I made that. I'll miss part of it next week but that's okay. I'm not overly fond of the first piece we're doing or the hymn, but we're doing what I think is my ABSOLUTE FAVORITE (even though the women don't sing until the end) arrangement of "The Spirit of God." Love it! Bridey and Emsie played at Grandma Pam's house during practice. Maggie was good and slept most of the time.

Today we went to Target again (we'd forgotten some things; Jeff also wanted a new vaccum. Got a nice one on sale for $75.) Went to the grocery store and picked up some yogurt and ice cream and other treats and such. Came home and I made falafel; my dad came by and picked some up, I like to share when I make falafel because Sheri, who does not usually like falafel, loves mine. After dinner I fed Maggie; after she nursed on both sides she ate some mashed bananas. It was her first "real" food. I think she liked it. Even accounting for what she lost down the bib, I think she got down about 1 1/2 Tbsp. of bananas, and that was AFTER nursing on both sides, remember! Hungry girl!

So that was our weekend, pretty much. (I did list some stuff on eBay, too, but that's boring. ;) ) Here are some pictures from this week:

Maggie trying mashed bananas-- "Hmmm, this is a new taste..."

...and deciding, "Hmmm, I think I like it!"

I detangled (ouch) and braided Em's hair earlier this week, she was so proud of her braids she wanted pictures. Here's the back:

From the front:

And the sides:

So that's what's up with us. :) All still kicking, just haven't had much energy to blog!

Sooooo hoooot...

2008-08-26T04:52:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep. Emma is fitful. Maggie is restless. Bridey took a looong time to conk out. Even Jeff didn't go to sleep as easily as he usually does.

It is just way too hot. We ended up turning off the air because the a/c was so hot it wasn't cooling the way it should, and opening the windows (which is just marginally better, heat-wise, but at least doesn't cost us any money on the electric bill.

I just cannot wait for cooler weather tonight. Usually I have no problem with heat; usually I could handle heat better than cold. But for some reason this hot weather seems different. Maybe it's the stillness and heaviness in the air. In any case, I can't sleep, the heat is contributing, and it's bugging the life out of me because I'm tired-- but not sleepy.

Uuuugh.

Firsts

2008-08-22T01:10:00.000-07:00

Since our fridge is out, we ordered pizza and pasta and salad and garlic bread from the local Guido's. Since it was a really nice evening, the sun just setting and not too cool or too hot (and bath night) we ate out by the pool, in our suits, then hopped in the hot tub (a bit too cold for the big pool; I pre-heated the hot tub while we were eating and then turned it off so the kids wouldn't overheat.) It was about as warm as a warm bath, really nice.

For the first time, I took Maggie in with me (in the Solarveil sling, so no chance of dropping her.) She seemed to like it. We all had fun and when she started to fuss a bit and sweat we got out and went in to shower. It was Maggie's first shower, too. She stayed in the sling and didn't seem to mind at all as I rinsed her off and soaped her little arms and legs and rinsed again. Then she got handed off to Jeff (who was already out, having used the other shower to wash up and wash Bridey) while I washed Emma's hair and body (she likes to pretend it's rain) and then I got the shower to myself once she got out. (That's why we almost always swim only on bath nights; that way we just shower after we're done and baths are done for the night. Because they have sensitive skin and eczema, Ems and Bridey only get baths on Tues., Thurs., and Sat. Maggie generally only gets one if she smells or if she wants to come in the bath with me. Her hair gets washed a little more often but not much.)

Anyway, it was a first, and it was fun, and we all felt better after dinner, a soak, and a shower, I think.

When life gives you lemons, go to IKEA.

2008-08-21T00:09:00.000-07:00

We got a lemon. A lemon of a fridge, that is. We bought it, new (floor model but unused, just out for demonstration) two years ago, and Wed. it broke for the THIRD time since we've had it. The freezer is working but the fridge is not (and our milk is bad.) Each time it's broken before, we have spent around $200 or $250 getting it fixed. This time we said, "Enough."

We don't have it in our budget to buy a really nice fridge just yet; we looked at the Recycler and Craigslist, but we really don't feel like renting a truck, driving a distance, hauling it up to our apartment...

So we shopped around a bit online and decided to get a fridge from IKEA. Their fridges are made by Whirlpool, so a decent brand. We thought before going we'd probably get their $350 model, but when we got there, they're having a promotion; spend $499 or more on a fridge and get a $100 gas card. So we ended up getting the $499 model because for what amounts to $50 more after the value of the gas card, we get a nicer model with better shelves, an ice maker, and better resale value if we decide to sell it and trade up next year (which we probably will. I do want a bigger fridge eventually; this is just a tiny bit smaller than our current fridge, which we got because it fit in the ridiculously small fridge space in our first apartment.) And because we paid for it with a debit card (thank heavens Jeff got his big EA bonus this month) we got a $17 discount toward our next purchase.

All in all I'm quite pleased with the value, this is basically the same fridge that sells for $150 to $300 more at other stores, and it will get here on Saturday, and someone else gets to haul it up the elevator and lug it into our apartment. Now to figure out what we're doing with our old fridge... Freecycle or something, I suppose. I'm just overall pleased with our decision to get a new one instead of pump money into one that I'm afraid would break again in six months.

Updates

2008-08-20T02:40:00.001-07:00

Thanks so much for all your comments and support on my last post. It was more than I expected. :)

After I posted that I talked to my husband and we agreed on some things. First of all, it's hard for me to remember/find time or energy to eat during the day, and allowing my blood sugar to get low affects my mood, always has. It exacerbates the problems I'm having. He has started asking what I've had to eat or drink and encouraging me to at least drink some juice throughout the day.

Second, after praying for some help and comfort, Monday evening we were at Trader Joe's and though I wasn't planning on getting it, I walked past the soy milk, and stopped. I remembered that when I had really bad PMS when I was in my teens, soy milk and other soy products helped. (Soy contains compounds that mimic estrogen and in some women can affect hormone levels and the way we feel. I've always been very responsive.) I don't like most soy stuff but Trader Joe's chocolate soy milk is the only kind I'll drink. I felt an urge to try it. I drank two cups that day and by the morning was feeling somewhat better. Not completely better but life was more bearable. And it corrected another post-partum problem I've been having (which I won't go into right now because that WOULD be TMI. ;) ) I continued drinking it today. Tonight we dropped by and picked up more soy milk and I'm going to make a real effort to consume at least 2 servings of soy a day.

So things are looking up a little bit. Thanks for your love. Continued prayers would be wonderful. :)

In a very happy update, Emma has continued to both pee AND poop in the potty exclusively. We have had no more accidents and I'm ready to call her trained! Yay! Even if she has an accident here and there it's looking like that will be an anomaly, not the norm. I am so glad that after two and a half years of trying to get her to go, she is finally done!!! She now doesn't even use her potty seat except when we're out in public in places with filthy toilets, in which case she uses the folding one (because I make her.) She does everything herself and flushes (except the loud public ones, she has me flush those) and washes her hands by herself. She is very proud that she can "do it like a grownup." AND, Bridey is following her lead!!! Bridey has, in the past three or four days, pulled off her training pants, put on the potty seat, climbed up, and peed in the potty, then called, "I did it! I potty!" until we come and find that she did, indeed, pee in the potty and wipe (and praise) her. We are going through reward stickers like crazy and I could care less! (I got a book of 1,250 small reward stickers for $1; they didn't like the chart but they like to be given a sticker or two and wear them on their hands, and can be bribed into all sorts of good behavior with them.)

Oh, and Jaden has asked that we wait until the Britax sale and get her the Madison Regent because she'd rather wait a few weeks and get the pink one right away. Okay. :) Further update on that when I buy it.

We went to Once Upon a Child today to check out their summer clearance. The clearance was picked over but I did end up with a pair of leggings each for Ems and Bridey, a t-shirt for Maggie ("Got Milk?"), and a pretty church dress for Ems. Oh, and a new kind of sippy cup for Maggie. :) (She's been occasionally having a sippy of expressed milk when I want to take a bath or something. We're hoping to get her nice and used to it so by the time she's six months she can take some watered-down juice and be left for short periods with my aunt or mom while we go on a date. If I'm up to leaving her by then, that is. I do still have nightmares about her being taken from me and start to panic if she's out of my earshot/sight for too long. But hopefully that will be better by then.)

I guess I don't talk about this much.

2008-08-18T00:22:00.000-07:00

But I know you will not mind. (No TMI, I promise!)

I think I may have some PPD.

I've had a great weekend. The music was fun, mostly (don't get me started on my altercation with the lady who works there-- okay, not altercation, that's too strong a word, but I was not happy with our interaction), despite the hotel experience (they told us they'd have a crib and then they didn't; we hadn't brought the port-a-crib after being told they'd have one; Bridey didn't sleep until almost 5 AM-- it was La Quinta Costa Mesa, if you want to know), we had fun at IKEA and a good time at the wedding (though Emma freaked out at the sparklers-- which are illegal, BTW, which I was rather surprised no one seemed to know about, and we were RIGHT across the street from a state park, during fire season), a new nursing dress I bought on eBay was waiting for me when we got home, it was all around a fun few days. But I've been snappish, sad, yelling, crying, when we were driving home I had this crazy urge in the tunnel to just open the door and roll out into traffic. It was kind of scary. Jeff took Maggie to burp her while I was asleep and I woke up in a panic because she was gone. I am extremely anxious when separated from her (though I'm getting better about letting others hold her and not holding her ALL the time.)

Please don't suggest drugs. I'm not going to take them. Please don't suggest counselling either. I don't trust therapists. Both these issues stem from my experience with medication and therapists as a teen, which I don't want to talk about, but I may share privately if you ever really have to know. Suffice it to say, it's not going to happen. It's like my thing with female doctors. Just not going to happen. (Not that I could afford it if I wanted it, with no insurance. But since I don't, it's moot.)

I was like this when I was pregnant with Emma. I got over it as the hormones changed. It never happened with Bridey, at least not that I remember; okay, maybe a few days when she was a few months old. That was it. But this started when I was separated from Maggie and has persisted since then. It doesn't help that my hormones aren't back to normal yet. I've got a good few months to go, judging by past experience.

If you are a praying person, I'd love your prayers. I feel detatched and isolated even as I'm more involved than I've ever been in a host of things. Life goes by so fast and I sometimes just feel like it's passing me by. I hate this. I hope it passes soon.

And I don't know why I'm even writing this. I just am. And it doesn't help. Prayer helps while I'm praying, and for a little while afterward, but not all day. And I feel so tired I don't even want to pray. Ditto everything else that usually makes me feel better. I'm stress eating, which just makes things worse. I should probably watch that. But I don't even care.

I want to escape. I just want to go watch the waves roll into nothing and then sleep and not listen to any whining and screaming and just sleep.

I guess I sound pretty depressed, huh? Sorry. Didn't mean to bring you all down...

I really do have fun. This weekend was fun, lots of it. Next Saturday we're having a poop party because Emma finally pooped in the toilet three times in a row with no accidents. (Who's coming? My mom. Who else? No one, because all she wants is my mom and a pinata, go figure. Well, that's fine, makes things easy...) Everything is fun. But the fun never lasts, and in between I'm just... bleh.

I want to sleep now. I'm tired. But I can't sleep and probably won't. Again. Oh, well. That's okay. It's not like I have anything to do tomorrow...

Ridiculously musical children

2008-08-14T02:48:00.000-07:00

Wow. This is getting a bit crazy! I knew my babies were all musical-- but have you ever known a three month old to sing a song (well, gurgle it wordlessly) on tune and in key???

All my children have kicked in time to at least some songs while still in utero. (I'm told they get this from me.) Ems and Bridey are prodigious in their tone and pitch; they have very good tone and pitch for their ages, and although they sometimes mishear (and -sing) or skip a word here and there, they also have remarkable heads for lyrics. (They get that from me too.) When Emma was nine months old, she had a "piano" toy that played songs, always in the same order. After about a month of playing with it she learned the order-- and liked to look at me, gurgle the first few bars of the tune that was coming up next, and then hit the toy and laugh when it played. Bridey regularly sings songs she has only heard once, note-for-note perfectly. And of course, Maggie danced through several songs during Mamma Mia! (I mean, she actually moved her hands and legs while swaying side-to-side-- in perfect time.) But I think this one is a bit more... unusual...

My dad called; he's doing a show at Arnie's Cafe Friday night. He's doing a lot of his originals as well as songs by the songwriters that he considers his major influences (Kate Wolf, The Beatles, Stephen Foster, Hank Williams.) He asked if I'd like to sing a couple with him. We discussed it and settled on "Hard Times Come Again No More" and "Across the Great Divide." I'm stoked, it's been a long while since I've been able to sing in public (other than ward and stake choir.) Anyway.

Tonight I finally got over my headache; I listened to "Across the Great Divide" to get the key fresh in my head, sang it through a couple times up and down finding my key, and then started with "Hard Times." I was experimenting with tempo there as well as key, so I sang through the chorus especially many times. Maggie grinned happily through the singing, nursing much of the time and just smiling the rest.

When I finished, though, she looked at me expectantly. I asked her what she wanted, did she want more na-nas? She grinned at me again and then blew me away by gurgling the exact tune of the chorus of "Hard Times", in the key I had settled on as best for me.

I am now unable to sleep for my amazement. You just wait, in a couple of years I'm going to teach these girls to sing harmony and they'll give the Peasall Sisters a run for their money!

(If anyone's in the L.A. area and would like a fun Friday night outing, BTW, Arnie's is a lot of fun. The set will run from 8-11, though my little family is leaving by 9:30 or 10 at the latest, since we want to get to Costa Mesa, where we're spending the night, in time for Jeff to get some sleep before his seminar on Saturday. And we need to rest up for IKEA, too! Anyway, there's no cover and Arnie's has yummy wraps, delicious smoothies (non-tea, unlike some other places around here-- except the green tea smoothie, of course), and a scrumptious assortment of waistband-expanding desserts. They even have fresh fruit! Something for everyone, and sure to be fun. Okay, so I'm biased-- but I think my dad's a good musician.)

Tangles and Headache

2008-08-13T15:57:00.001-07:00

I have a headache. I've had it since last night. It's a migraine. I am dizzy, in pain, and it's worse with noise (yeah, good luck having quiet in a house with three kids), movement (and Emma keeps kicking the bed), and sitting up (so the kids are fending for themselves, and each other, as much as possible while I lay here.) I am also nauseated. Ick. So low blood sugar is probably a contributing factor since I can't eat anything (and threw up whatever was in my stomach from last night this morning.)

I think this headache has been exacerbated by the hour I spent untangling Emma's hair last night. It was tangled to begin with and swimming just made the tangles worse. It seems that Jeff doesn't understand how to properly comb hair; I've been leaving it to him too much and he just doesn't get the tangles out. I guess that's probably because he's always had short hair, and also his is stick-straight (while the girls have waves, a product of his straight hair and my uber-curly hair.) Emma didn't like it but was remarkably well behaved. She even let me brush it out and braid it when I was done combing out the tangles. This may be because I bribed her (I told her she would get five reward stickers-- she likes to put them on her hand-- and a treat if she sat still and was brave until all the tangles were out. There was a little whining but not too much.) Anyway, hunching over left me with a sore back, which seems to be making my headache much worse.

I guess that's pretty much it; this was just a gripe post. I hope none of my readers feel as cruddy as I do right now!

Artichokes, mmm mmm...

2008-08-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

(In case you don't know, that's from a song by Malvina Reynolds)

We just had a yummy dinner; we started it with artichokes my dad picked up for us earlier in the week. We all love artichokes. These were giant ones, but fresh and still tender. Mmmmmm. The kids each finished a whole one off, too!

Then we had salmon and steamed rice. We've had the salmon a while, it's been sitting in the freezer. They were salmon patties, actually (like round steaks, the size and shape of a hamburger patty), from Trader Joe's; I think my aunt gave them to us. I threw them in a simple marinade I often use:

-1 part soy sauce
-1 part apple cider vinegar
-2 parts honey
-1 part water or apple or orange juice to dilute
-handful of dried onions or a few cloves minced garlic

You just dump it in a ziplock bag, seal, mix it all up by shaking or squishing, and put the meat in, re-seal, and squish around to cover, then pop it in the fridge to marinate. It's kind of teriyaki-ish, and goes great with fish or chicken, though turkey and some cuts of beef can be good, too! Then Jeff grilled it (we have a very nice communal gas grill out by the pool. Makes grilling really pleasant!) It is hot but clear, a perfect day for grilling!

It was so delicious with just plain steamed rice. Really yummy, easy dinner!

Oh, and I've done two things on my list (below.) I went swimming Thursday night and tried out my swimsuit (which is GREAT! The high neck keeps me covered even when I have, ahem, buoyancy issues. And the slenderizing really holds me in, even when I'm "really" swimming, not just towing and chasing Emma! As usual, Land's End has more than just satisfactory quality. The color, rich and attractive when dry, gets richer as it gets wet instead of just looking sodden. And did I mention it STAYS PUT? I highly recommend this suit!) And yesterday we went to the Watermelon Festival. We picked up dinner on the way and ate it there, then had all the watermelon we wanted for dessert! The kids rode the carousel and Emma rode a kiddie ride; she seemed scared at first but warmed up to it by the end. She insisted she REALLY REALLY wanted to go on it even though she had to ride it alone... It was a bit nerve-wracking for me, since it's the first time she's ever gone on a ride alone, even a little one! I was proud of her for giving it a try and even smiling by the end. :)

Fun plans

2008-08-07T00:38:00.001-07:00

We have many things coming up that look to be lots of fun (if we ever get over these colds...)

So not so much a real blog post as a list of stuff we'll be doing that I'm looking forward to.

-the Watermelon Festival is this weekend. That's always a blast!

-the weekend after, we're staying Friday night in a hotel in Costa Mesa. Jeff has a seminar he has to attend for work that Sat. at the Huntington Beach Hyatt Regency, and while that's too rich for our taste, we'll be close so he won't have to get up at 5:30 to get there. The place we're staying at is literally across the street from an IKEA, so we'll have a late checkout, and just sleep in our clothes, get up, and go spend about 3 or 4 hours at IKEA while Jeff goes to a boring seminar! We do so love IKEA. And sleeping away will kind of be like a mini-vacation, so fun! Jeff has that Friday off so we can do stuff that afternoon, too.

-when he gets out, we're going to his cousin's wedding reception in Pacific Palisades. Not only do we get to go to a wedding reception and see his cousin; that happens to be the building I was baptized in! It should be fun for me to go back, see if there's anyone still in the ward who remembers me! (Long shot-- it's been 7 years, and I've changed a lot!) Maybe I'll get a chance to show the family the font where I was baptized. That would be cool. Also, it's just plain beautiful there. :) Emma will love looking at the ocean. Hopefully Bridey will sleep in the car there. Now, I get to decide what we're all going to wear... (Well, what we're going to change into. Jeff will probably be the only one to wear what he's going to wear to the reception all day.)

-I get to buy a super-cool carseat! Jaden, our niece, just had her birthday. She turned 4, and she's outgrowing her carseat. So for her present, we're buying her a Britax Regent, which is just an incredibly awesome seat (we'll probably be buying one when we get a bigger car, for Emma, and when she's outgrown it Maggie will probably be ready for it, my long-torsoed girl... Do you know she has a TWELVE INCH torso already? :o ) Anyway, there's going to be a Britax sale soon, so we're getting this ASAP (when Jeff gets his bonus for getting his EA next paycheck-- oh, did I mention that came???) from Amazon, which has a 30 day price guarantee. Then when the price drops for the sale, I'll just call and get my refund. Simple! I even found a website that will track your Amazon items and notify you when the price drops. Awesome!

-I got a new swimsuit (from Land's End-- via On The Counter), and I get to try it out. I love having a pool. :) And I just ADORE their swimsuits. This is a "High-Neck Slender Swimsuit." Which is just how it sounds! Has a high neck, and slenderizes you. :D

And I'm sure there's more fun stuff that will happen too! But that's my top-five excitement list right as of this second. :)

I may be crazy...

2008-08-05T23:07:00.000-07:00

...but even when it's hot I like a good rice pudding. Our favorite is really low mantainance, adapted from a recipe I found on Recipezaar (I do so love the 'zaar!)

Tonight I bit the bullet and baked it even in the heat. We had bought whole milk to make peach ice cream and, since we pay about $1.20 more to buy two gallons than one, I went ahead and bought 2 even though the girls and I pretty much only drink skim milk. (Jeff is quite happy to drink whole or 2%. I was not raised that way, lol.) I planned to use the extra for rice pudding so... Rice pudding it is. :D Plus, we all have colds; rice pudding goes down well on sore throats! (And it's almost nutritious!)

Here's my recipe, which you might want to save for cooler weather (unless you're in the Southern Hemisphere where it is winter right now.) Another thing I love is this recipe has no eggs. Lower cholesterol! (Plus no eggy taste! I'm really not usually a big egg fan.)

Simply Delicious Baked Rice Pudding

Note: the original recipe calls for short grain rice. I don't usually keep that around and, food prices being what they are, am not going to buy it when I'm not making something else that would use it (like risotto.) If you have it, it will give you a more creamy texture. We usualy use long-grain, which gives a texture more like Mexican arroz con leche, which I actually prefer, since I grew up on arroz con leche; my mom never made traditional rice pudding. This recipe doubles well; I make 2 batches since they're no more work than one; I can bake my two round Corningwares at once to make a double batch. Just rotate them when you do the second stirring and move the one that's more forward to the back and vice versa. Good hot or cold; also freezes well!

4 cups milk (not skim; whole is best but I've successfully used 2%)
1/4 cup brown sugar, packed
1 Tbsp. butter
1 tsp. vanilla
pinch salt
1/3 cup white rice (see note)
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
1/4 cup seedless raisins (optional)

Preheat oven to 300 deg. F. Spray a ceramic or glass oven-safe casserole (I like my round Corningware, as I've said) with an 8 cup capacity with non-stick cooking spray (or otherwise lightly grease.) In a saucepan, heat milk (covered) until it heats up and just begins to bubble around the edge. Turn off heat and add butter, sugar, vanilla, and salt. Mix well. Put rice in bottom of baking dish; add cinnamon and stir. Pour liquid ingredients on top and stir again. Add raisins, if desired. Place in oven and bake for 2 hours. Stir after first and second half hour; do not disturb for the last hour. Tempting as it is, let cool a bit before eating or you'll burn your mouth! 6-8 servings (depending on how much you like rice pudding!)

Enjoy!

Maggie's First Earthquake

2008-07-29T11:48:00.000-07:00

Actually, it might be Bridey's, too. I can't remember. I think Ems slept through hers... If Bridget's had one before, she did too.

It was just a little one. But you never know when it starts if it's going to be big or little. We were watching tv, and our tv is not bolted down, so I unplugged the laptop from the cord (which was in the wall), just in case, scooped up the baby, and got Bridey to follow me. (She wanted to watch tv, and wasn't sure what was going on. We have had drills, but she had never felt it, so she didn't know it was an earthquake! I had to say "Emergency!", which is our "obey right now because this is serious" trigger word, before she followed me to a clear spot, where we sat down and practiced "duck and cover" even though I was sure by then that it wasn't a big one (it never hurts to practice!)

Nothing even fell off the shelf, but outgoing calls weren't working on the home phone and the cell service was too busy to get a call through. (We got texts through, very slowly.) Same story with Jeff's work phone, only incoming worked. He kept trying on the cell and eventually got through to Emma's preschool (they were fine-- they thought it was a drill!) and then to me to tell me Emma wasn't scared. We're glad that it wasn't any worse! It was a scary time for me having Emma at preschool and not knowing whether she was scared or okay (I was sure she wasn't hurt but, you know, emotionally.) I was really glad Jeff was able to get through, in case she had needed the comfort of hearing a parent's voice.

Update: we went to Grandma Pam's house in the evening to pick peaches, and she had lost a picture frame, but that was the extent of the local damage we've heard of. We're lucky enough to live on solid bedrock, which really dulls the damages when we have quakes!